Drunkblogging the Final Obama State of the Union Address

Our long national nightmare is nearly over.



We've got tonight's State of the Union, presumably a keynote address during the Democratic National Convention this summer, and knowing Barack Obama, some kind of self-inflated self-valedictory when his second term is merciful over.



And then? A quiet retirement of globetrotting to give six-figure speeches and butting his nose into the next President's business.



But we're getting ahead of ourselves, aren't we?



This is the final Obama Era SOTU Drunkblog, as this lamest of ducks entertains himself and his dwindling fanbase with the sound of his own quacks.



Join me now, won't you?



And raise one. And then raise another. And a third if this thing goes on as long as I fear.

I can sum this one up quickly.

This was Obama's Al Bundy speech, the lowly shoe salesman desperately trying to get everyone to remember that time he scored four touchdowns in one game.

Er, that is President Obama wanted us to forget most of the last seven years he's actually been President, and instead remember that time Candidate Obama gave those big speeches everybody loved.

I'd say even by that modest measure, tonight's speech was worthy of an Al Bundy nap.

"I believe in change because I believe in you."

What does that even mean?

Dorothy Parker once quipped, "I can't write five words but that I change seven."

Let's change that to, "I can't script five words but that I speak seven."

"I'm dressing the American people now."

Good thing, because the live audience seems to have mostly checked out about 15 minutes ago.

"It will only happen if we have rational, constructive debates."

-Barack Obama, 2016.

"I won."

-Barak Obama, 2009.

Don't piss in the well and tell me the water tastes funny, bub.

"This brings me to the fourth and maybe most important thing I want to say tonight..."

We're only at four?

We're gonna beat malaria!

Um... we did beat malaria, right up until the environmentalists got DDT banned.

"We're partnering with local forces in Syria."

So I guess at least two of those dozen guys we finally got trained are still in the fight.

This foreign policy stuff is bordering on delusional.

The President who went to war against Libya without consulting Congress just blamed Congress for not giving approval (which he never asked for) to his phony war against ISIS.

Unbelievable.

Al Franken looks sullen -- and he's a guy who knows how to command a room's attention.

"We have to take them out," Obama says of the Islamic State he's waged phony war against for 18 months or so.

Give the order, Mr. President. Our military can do it -- and in remarkably short order.

Of course we're the most powerful nation on earth. Is that position relatively weaker or relatively stronger than it was seven years ago?

"No nation attacks us directly," Obama says on the night Iran seized two of our boats and ten of our sailors.

Man who spent the last seven years as the Most Powerful Man in the World has spent the last half hour telling us all the things he didn't get done, to round after round of applause from elected members of his own party.

I need another scotch or another Mucinex.

Virtually unlimited crude oil is going for about 30 bucks a barrel, and he's selling us on wind power and solar.

I'm an "all of the above" kinda guy when it comes to energy, but the "energy of the future" is going to stay just that until it no longer needs a subsidy.

"Tonight I'm announcing a new national effort to Get It Done."

And Joe Biden is in charge of it.

Joe is going to cure cancer.

Now the question is what role the government should play to make sure the system isn't rigged in favor of the rich and powerful.

Goldman-Sachs could not be reached for comment.

Obama also says he believes there is red tape that needs to be cut. After seven years of regulatory expansion unmatched even by the second Bush administration.

So... don't hold your breath.

It's fun listening to Obama define ♡bamaCare!!! down, that it's just supposed to "fill in the gaps" of employer coverage.

The fierce moral urgency of "full coverage for every American" seems a long time ago.

"All these trends have squeezed workers."

That's a fair summation of the last 15 years, as productivity gains have been shrinking -- along with the percentage of Americans in the labor force, and wage growth.

Years of massive government intervention in everything don't seem to have ameliorated those trends. Maybe we could try something else?

The fourth question is, "How can we make politics reflect what's best in us?"

We might begin to learn the answer to that one on January 20, 2017.

Obama has "four big questions" he "believes this country has to answer."

The tension is impalpable.

He's now bragging about providing more care for our troops.

Feel free to feel as sick as I do right now.

This is shaping up to be the longest short speech in history.

I'm not kidding about that.

Obama said he wasn't going to go into a bunch of policy proposals, before listing a bunch of policy proposals he couldn't get through when his own party ran Congress.

And now he's trying to give us a rehash of the old Hope & Change from 2007-08, and I swear I just saw Steny Hoyer drooling on himself as he sleeps with his eyes half open.

We're five minutes in!

Looking around that room, I'm reminded of why the Founders wanted to keep the Federal government small, strictured, and accountable.

Because they knew what kind of people seek office.

Cokie Roberts explaining how Obama can't get anything done because America is all divided and stuff.

"Reaganesque" isn't a word we've heard much of since about February, 2009.

On the record and sarcasm-free: That's a damn good tie, Mr. President.

ABC News is running a sort of Greatest Hits collection of Obama SOTU stemwinders, and yet no stems feel particularly wound.

How did he ever get a reputation as a great speaker?

Five bucks to the first Congressman who shouts "It's not a tax!" at the Chief Justice.

On a personal note, tonight's drunkblog is something of an experiment now that I finally caught my wife's vicious head cold. I'll be on half rations of cocktails (Scotch, this evening) but on a full dose of Mucinex and a small sip of codeine cough syrup.

With luck, the results will be only slightly less disturbingly surreal than the last seven years.

ABC News is going on about how the President tweeted a picture of himself (how new!) putting the finishing touches on his speech.

Ten US sailors in Iran eagerly await those tweaks.