Jacksonville Debate Is All In The Family

Campaigning is a draining business, and maybe the candidates are tired, or maybe they’re just getting cranky, but the debate in Jacksonville, sponsored by the Republican Party of Florida and the Hispanic Leadership Network, was one, big, fat dysfunctional Christmas dinner with the relatives: you know the kind: the one you swear every year you’re going to skip but you go because you feel obligated and by the end you just feel tired and bloated and wish everyone would shut the hell up.

Just like an old married couple, Mama Newt and Papa Mitt spent the night quarreling over the same old, tired issues they always have and whining about hurt feelings:

Papa Mitt: You think I’m ‘anti-immigrant?’ ME? How can you say I’m anti-immigrant? My FATHER was an immigrant…blah blah blah…that’s repulsive; I’m offended!

Mama Newt: Oh yeah? Well quite frankly your language deeply offends me and is repulsive, so there!

Papa Mitt: Ha, sooooo typical! You know, you’re just a Fannie Mae lobbyist, that’s what YOU are! ‘Always have been!

Mama Newt: How DARE you! I voted ‘no’ on giving them any money and you know it! My contract specifically said, “No lobbying! No lobbying!” How many times do I have to say it, geez! You NEVER listen!

Papa Mitt: Oh don’t play coy with ME…you were CLEARLY promoting Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac to the tune of 1.6 million dollars!


The shock sinks in as the old couple continues to quarrel about who was offended and hurt the most, as Little Ricky, their wide-eyed son caught in the middle, spends the night wishing everyone could for once just get along:

Little Ricky: Can we pleeeeassse forget that Newt was a member of congress who used his skills to advise businesses? That’s not the worst thing in the world…and that Mitt is a very wealthy guy because he worked hard and made a lot of money and can we pleeeeaaasssee PLEASE focus on the issues finally, GOSH!

Just then, wacky Uncle Ron looked up from his latest edition of Kumbaya Foreign Policy Weekly long enough to poke his own stick at the hornet’s nest:

Wacky Uncle Ron: What do YOU know, kid, huh? Who asked you about South America anyway? Are you old enough to be up this late?

But before Little Ricky could respond, In-law Blitzer had to get his two cents in. Blitzer was one of those typical meddling In-law types who just couldn’t let sleeping dogs lie – there always had to be something juicy going on:

In-Law Blitzer: Oh Uncle Ron wants to speak, (yawn) – so tell us, Uncle Ron, do you think Mama Newt and Papa Mitt should pay back all that money they earned with their investments in Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac?

By this time, Uncle Ron was getting pretty annoyed at all the attention on Mama Newt and Papa Mitt and their infernal fighting about the same things over and over and over….