If Life Hands You Lemons, Don't Make Lemonade without a Permit

If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. At least that's what anarchists say. And sociopathic capitalists.

In a civilized society, if you somehow legally obtain lemons, that in no way gives you a right to make lemonade. And it certainly doesn't allow you to sell it.

I would think that's obvious, but look at the brouhaha over a county health inspector in Oregon quite properly shutting down a seven-year-old girl's lemonade stand. Everyone is like, "Look at the poor little girl! Why did the government make her cry? Why are those mindless bureaucrats so mean?"


I know you all grew up watching movies about the Wild West and think everybody can just strap a shootin' iron to his hip and sell unlicensed lemonade willy-nilly, but this is reality. In a society facing threats like bird flu, obesity, and Glenn Beck, we can't let people just run around doing whatever they want. This is a society of constitutional law, not ape law. And the only relevant part of the Constitution remaining clearly mentions something or other about commerce, which clearly means the government has unlimited power to regulate everything that has to do with selling goods. And for good reason.

Do you know what kinds of diseases can lurk inside improperly handled lemonade? No, you don't. And neither do I. So obviously, that threat is so severe that medical scientists won't even tell us about it so as not to create a panic. And do you know how many people died from contaminated lemonade before stringent health regulations were enforced? I'll give you a number: 52,143,000. Well, the number of people who died from improperly handled lemonade involves one or more digits from that number.

Scary, isn't it? That stupid little girl could have killed half of Oregon. Luckily the government was there to protect you. But the damage isn't just limited to people's health; there's also the economic impact. She goes out there with her non-union labor selling lemonade for 50 cents, and who knows how many proper businesses that paid all their licensing fees and taxes she was undercutting? She was effectively stealing money from Oregon and the federal government. Thus while President Obama is working very carefully to revive our economy, she is working directly against him. That probably also makes her a racist.

Yet there is still that sympathy for the little girl's destructive selfishness. I really don't know how to frame this sort of thing so you people understand. This isn't some Sarah Palin gibberish about "mama grizzlies"; these are important facts about the function of the government thought up by smart people that you must accept. It's your inability to accept simple things like government control that makes enlightened liberals want to put you through plate glass windows (if they only had the upper body strength).