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How Whining Grows Government

Having politicians fix problems is like having a three-year-old fix your computer with a hammer. It’s best to not get them involved at all. Like when people complained to Obama about jobs, he spent $800 billion on a "stimulus" package, and no one has any idea where that money went. People still don't have jobs, and also the amount of debt we now have has ruined our children's future so much that we might as well go ahead and get them face tattoos now.

Of course, people think it’s important to complain now since it’s an election year and many don't like the incumbent, but it's still not worth it. Because what if Romney wins and, hearing all our complaints, tries to use the government to help solve them? Maybe he'll be smarter about it, like a really bright three-year-old who's used hammers before. Your laptop will be in good hands.

No, we just need to never complain when a politician is in earshot -- it's too risky. And really, what do we have to complain about? Think of all the advantages we have over people in olden times. Like they used to have this thing called a "rotary phone" where you had to turn a big dial to select a number. Think of trying to text on that thing. And to look stuff up, they had to use a library. It's like they took Wikipedia, put all of its entries into books that were spread throughout a large building, and made a big cabinet of cards for you to look through to find the location of the book you need. If you suddenly wondered who did the voice of Bumblebee in the original Transformers cartoon, it would take you hours to find the answer there. Things are way easier now, and with all that we have today, we should each be achieving things that make the moon landing look like a baking-soda-volcano science fair project. But that's never going to happen if we're standing around whining, waiting for someone else to fix our problems.

That's why one of the most important American values that should be ingrained in us is that we solve things ourselves and never, ever complain when government can hear us -- that's the equivalent of feeding a Mogwai after midnight. The only way we'll get a smaller government and get out of debt is by convincing the government that we don't need its constant help. If you lose your job, your house burns down, and you're surrounded by angry bears, and the government asks, "Do you need help?" you should answer, "Oh no. Minor setback. I'm fine. I saw some airports that need renaming, though. Why don't you get on that?" Because when we solve our own problems, somewhere far away, our frontiersmen ancestors and Vanilla Ice nod in approval.