How to Make Obama Like Us
The Barack Obama presidency has been disastrous. The economy is in shambles, and Obama's only response has been to try and waste as much of our money as he can. Jobs are a scarce commodity, and yet Obama is trying to raise taxes. And his Department of Justice is apparently selling guns to Mexican drug cartels. All of this raises the obvious question: What did we do to make Obama hate us and want to destroy us?
Obama was elected on the promise of hope and change; he was going to make everything better by fixing the economy, ending all wars, and making every rainbow a double rainbow. As smart and capable as we all knew he was, he should have succeeded beyond our wildest imaginations. But instead, we're even worse off than before -- I don't remember the last time I even saw a single rainbow. The only explanation is that somehow we've angered Obama and caused him to turn against us. It's just that I'm not sure how.
Now, we could go to a town hall and ask Obama, "What have we done to make you want to destroy this country?" I think that is a horrible idea, though, as Obama will only glare at us and become even angrier. Obviously what we've done is extremely bad based on the way Obama is treating us, and it would only be worse if he knew we were ignorant of our exact slight against him.
We just need to accept the fact that we're a bad country, and that's why Obama is not following through on the hope and change he promised. So now what we need to do is try to figure out how to become a better country so Obama will like us and decide that he doesn't need to destroy us. So I've done my best to study Obama and figure out some ideas to make us a country he considers worth saving.
THINGS TO TRY TO MAKE OBAMA LIKE US
Stop asking what's in the bills he wants to pass. We elected Obama to help us, yet when he tries to help by coming up with bills to pass, suddenly we want all the details.
"Where is all this stimulus money getting spent?"
"What exactly does this health care law do?"
"Are you sure half a billion dollars for this solar panel company is a good idea?"
That's a lot of questions, and Obama obviously doesn't like any of them. If he's very important and smart and quite unconcerned about the contents of his bills, then why should unimportant people like us worry our heads about it? It's like we don't trust his judgment. Next time he has a bill, we should just approach it with an attitude like, "Won't this be exciting! Who knows what wonders passing this bill will unleash?!"
Stop sending Republicans to Congress. Obama really doesn't like Republicans and doesn't want to work with them. He barely even liked working with his Democratic majorities and having to convince them to pass his bills, so he absolutely hates trying to work with Republicans. They do all the things that make him mad, such as not doing whatever he tells them. As long as we keep inflicting Republicans on Obama, he's really not going to like us.
Accept global warming. I think Obama is very disappointed in how anti-science we all are. We're always analyzing and trying to understand things, which is the opposite of being pro-science. When scientists tell you something is true, you're just supposed to repeat it with certainty even if you don't understand it or it doesn't make sense to you. Obama understands this, which is why he is very concerned about global warming and the problems it causes, such as excessive warmness. And he doesn't question it because he knows it's scientific fact since globes have been warmed in a lab. So we need to accept global warming, too. Again don't worry about understanding it; just next time he proposes a bill to fight global warming, look all grateful and say, "Yay! This will help fight that... bad science stuff." That will let Obama know we're smart like him.
Stop worrying about math so much. People are always wondering why the budget doesn't add up and why we're spending more than we take in, and Obama obviously really doesn't like us focusing on that. Maybe we thought we were helping him by pointing out that the math doesn't work, but I don't think he wants the math to work. I think he just doesn't like math at all and isn't willing to appease it. And if Obama hates math, we should hate it, too. It's really inflexible -- not a living thing like the Constitution. Maybe if we trust in Obama, he'll come up with something better than math.
Keep fat kids away from him. A happy man needs a happy wife, and every day Michelle Obama looks out the White House window and gets enraged at how fat kids are. She just hates them so much and is probably always yelling at Obama to do something about them. And I’ll bet that just makes him angry at us. So we need to be extra careful to make sure he and Michelle are not exposed to fat children. Any time there is an event he is attending, have a big sign out front, saying, "Fat kids not allowed." Especially make sure they never get near the White House. And if you hear the Obamas are coming through your neighborhood, make sure any fat kids are locked in the basement or something. Just give them a box of Twinkies; they'll be fine.
Accept gay marriage... I think. This is a confusing one. Obama says he is against gay marriage, yet I get this feeling that he gets mad at us when we're against gay marriage too. So I think we're supposed to be for it, but that seems wrong because then we're contradicting him. Maybe he's trying to teach us a lesson that even he can be wrong about some things... but definitely don't go too far with that lesson, or that will make him super mad.
Reelect him. I think the ultimate way to get Obama to like us is to reelect him. Maybe this first term is just a test, and if we pass it and reelect him, then he'll finally be nice to us and try to help the country. That's why it's super important that we all vote for him, because what if he just barely gets reelected? He'll be humiliated and will be even meaner to us in his second term -- he'll start giving Mexican drug cartels huge discounts on guns, and we'll never see another rainbow. You don't even want to know what he'll do to the economy. And it will be all our fault for making Obama not like us... though I'll mainly blame the fat kids.