How To Kill Americans: A Guide to the Really Effective Ways

The new al-Qaeda magazine called Inspire has created quite a stir with its articles explaining various ways to kill Americans. Yet despite the presence of no less than three American citizens on the terrorist publication’s staff this is pure amateurish stuff.

For example, the magazine advises would-be terrorists to use pick-up trucks to mow down American pedestrians. This shows ignorance of the fact that pick-up trucks are too proletarian for elite American areas unless they are from lawn services and are carrying actual mowers. Elsewhere, any privately owned pick-up truck probably has anti-terrorist, pro-American bumper stickers, so unless the terrorists engaged in such camouflage they would probably fail.

Such a strategy, then, would only succeed in killing or injuring ordinary Americans. If these clueless terrorists knew anything about the United States they would understand that elite policy makers, decision makers, and opinion makers wouldn’t care about that. Instead, an SUV with an Obama bumper sticker would probably be far more effective at luring elite Americans into a state of complacency after which they can be run over with ease. Another al-Qaeda idea is to bomb restaurants in Washington, D.C., with the hope of dismembering a few government officials. This, too, is a questionable technique. The Obama administration, as part of its counterterrorist policy, has pledged to hire ten new bureaucrats for each one slain by terrorists.

Moreover, with the first lady’s food campaigns, government officials will soon only be permitted to eat at  restaurants that serve carrots instead of potatoes, don’t use salt, and don’t serve soft drinks. All those restaurants will quickly go bankrupt, so that’s out, too.

Given the constant injunctions to understand what drives people to terrorism, to feel sorry for terrorists, and to engage them in dialogue, however, I have decided to give al-Qaeda some help. Here, then, are my top suggestions of how to kill Americans:

Deny them liberty. Americans thrive on high levels of freedom. For them, the ability to make decisions for themselves is akin to oxygen. Reduce this ability to make their own choices and you have deployed the equivalent of krypton to weaken Superman.

Spend them into oblivion. Increasing deficits will saddle future generations with impossible debt. Government spending and unfunded pension funds, among other methods, will so demoralize Americans that they will fall over like bowling pins. Increase government regulation. America has thrived on free enterprise, initiative, and entrepreneurship. It’s no accident that people speak of the economy being strangled, one of the most effective and popular ways of murdering people.