How to Get Our Country Back? Punch Your Inner Hippie

What is the second greatest country in the world?

That's not an easy question. The United States of America is, of course, the obvious greatest country ever, and everything else is just this pile of crap far beneath it, which makes you wonder why other countries even bother existing. One of America's defining characteristics is that it is not just the greatest country on Earth but is also so far ahead of any other country that it's like we're the only team in the NFL, and all the rest are pee wee teams. Actually, "pee wee teams" oversells them. They're more like those vibrating boards with the little plastic football players on them.

But here's a scary thought: What if the U.S. were no longer immeasurably better than all other countries? What if it were no longer completely insane to mention America and another country in the same sentence?

It's a sobering thought. But it is not as ridiculous as it sounds, considering that our country has been declining for some time. We used to be a mountain towering over all other nations, but now we're more like a towering skyscraper. If we continue waning, one day we may just be more like a really tall guy.

How do we prevent this? We need to get to the root cause of failure. The central cause of the decline of all civilizations, from the Romans to the Galactic Empire. And it all comes down to one thing.

Hippies.

I have spent a long time studying what makes countries be awesome and what makes others fail, and it always boils down to the influence of whiny, smelly hippies who do nothing to contribute to society and only drag others down. And when the hippies become too great in number, a nation collapses upon itself.

So how do we stop this? Did you say "punch the hippies"? Yes, very astute.

But also not sufficient.

Usually the influence of hippies is quite vulnerable to punching, as a punch -- and science is still not sure why -- tends to make a hippie shut up. And a quiet hippie is only a minor nuisance. But the problem is, hippies have gone unpunched for so long in this country that the hippies have prospered and multiplied to the point that their influence has spread -- spread to each and every one of us.

Yes, you heard that right. There is now a hippie inside all of us. And if we want to turn this country around, it's not the external hippie that needs to be punched but the hippie each of us has inside.