Hillary's Secret Diary: "The Whispering Tour"
In my last entry of September 8th, I was about to call Dick Cheney at 3am (a time for which I am famous) because I finally admitted to myself that my life’s ambition is to be President -- and Cheney had said on ABC News that I should run in 2012.
Knowing Dick Cheney, aka Darth Vader was a master of the power grab, I wanted to pick his brain about how to run, even possibly as a Republican, since that party is still in search of someone who could defeat Obama and obviously I fit that bill.
Boy, was I surprised how chipper he sounded at 3am when he joked that I must be waiting up for my husband. (Funny, Dick, funny!)
So we chatted and he reiterated that I should indeed run in 2012 but definitely not as a Republican. I told him I did not want a primary fight against Obama for all the reasons I wrote in my last entry and he agreed. But then he suggested a wise course of action that I will follow right into the White House.
Remember my infamous "listening tours" when I ran for the Senate in 2000 and started running for president in 2007? Well, ol’ Darth Vader told me to engage my friends in a “whispering tour” in the power centers of Washington, New York and Hollywood.
“Pssttt…did you hear the rumor? Obama might not run for re-election.”
Cheney says once my inner circle embraces and spreads this “whispering tour” concept, he assures me a soft silent coup will occur and Obama will not seek re-election.
We discussed how “the people who matter” have buyer’s remorse about Obama and are sure the last 14 months of his presidency will be spent re-arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. Whereas, Democrat operatives think of me as an experienced captain steering a reliable old ship with a (somewhat) trusty first mate. It’s not a glamorous description but I’ll take it as a compliment.
Cheney suggested my people start whispering first to Senator Chuck Schumer quickly followed by loud mouth James Carville, who will be a leader on the front lines of the “whispering tour” and the subsequent silent coup.
Diary, this strategy will work and I will be headed for that coronation at the Democratic National Convention I described in my last entry.
Besides, recently I have received boxes of designer pant suits from Armani, Calvin, Ralph, and Valentino. I took that as the strong signal they intended it to be.
Of course, my trusty first mate and future First Dude, (who now secretly refers to himself as “President of the Planet”, because the Clinton Global Initiative is more powerful with a bigger budget than half the countries of the world) will be let loose to whisper all around Hollywood, “Hey Spielberg, did ya hear the rumor that Obama is seriously thinking about not running for re-election?”
Meanwhile Bill would assure Streisand and all her peace-loving friends that this is only a rumor. (Because we don’t want those fruity-nutty Hollywood types getting all worked up about a potential little coup knowing our good friend Leon is Secretary of Defense.)
Note to self: Watch that old movie Seven Days in May again just for fun.
But here is where Cheney really earned my respect as a master power grabber. He suggested that in exchange for Obama not running for re-election, Bill would arrange for Obama to replace him as CEO of the Clinton Global Initiative, renamed the Obama/Clinton Global Initiative. Cheney thinks Obama is better suited for that job anyway and the name change will appeal to his bruised ego.
As the “whispering tour” decibels increase to loud roars, the plan is to have Obama announce he is not running for re-election at the Super Bowl pre-game show on February 5th. Genius timing!
Since the pieces are all nicely fitting together, I’m going to see if I can fit into one of my new designer pant suits. Which one should I wear for the press conference after the Super Bowl? I know, Armani’s battleship grey with the ever so subtle gold military trim, symbolizing all the battle ground states I will be conquering. Hah! I’d better keep that thought to myself.
So let the “whispering tour” begin! But, can I really trust Dick Cheney’s advice? Why would he want me to be the Democrat nominee? And rest assured Bill’s going to ask me “what’s in it for Cheney?” Now I am more confused than ever and the Super Bowl is only 4 months away!
But, first, before speaking with Bill, I called Putin and asked that scheming Ruskie about Cheney’s plan.
Predictably, Putin asked me why I am even bothering with all this “whispering tour” crap when I could just call my friend Panetta at Defense and start some real action. He said, “Obama is the man who robbed you of the office that was rightfully yours; you must get revenge.” Ohhh, I love the way that Russian thinks! So hard, tough and calculating, just like me! Just like our leaders should be!
Perhaps wearing that serious grey pantsuit with the gold military trim reveals too much planning, and I should just go with Calvin’s less threatening soft peach pastel. Wearing that suit no one would ever suspect I was involved with forcing Obama out of office. For when Obama said "America has gone soft", we all know he was really only describing himself.