Here We Go: Romney Has Millions of Dollars Parked Offshore

Let me stipulate, for the record and posterity, that I have no problem with this. I literally could not care less about it. But I'm a weirdo who thinks records in office should count for or against candidates for the presidency. I'm clearly an outlier and am not the kind of voter who might be swayed by this sort of thing at all.

Although it is not apparent on his financial disclosure form, Mitt Romney has millions of dollars of his personal wealth in investment funds set up in the Cayman Islands, a notorious Caribbean tax haven.

That's quite a lead-in. He must be a crook. Or, not. Or, it's easy to imply that he is, even when he is not.

"I can tell you we follow the tax laws," he said recently while on the campaign trail in New Hampshire. "And if there's an opportunity to save taxes, we like anybody else in this country will follow that opportunity."

And...he likes firing people! Boo-yah!

But tax experts tell ABC News there are other reasons Romney may not want the public viewing his returns. As one of the wealthiest candidates to run for president in recent times, Romney has used a variety of techniques to help minimize the taxes on his estimated $250 million fortune. In addition to paying the lower tax rate on his investment income, Romney has as much as $8 million invested in at least 12 funds listed on a Cayman Islands registry. Another investment, which Romney reports as being worth between $5 million and $25 million, shows up on securities records as having been domiciled in the Caymans.

Official documents reviewed by ABC News show that Bain Capital, the private equity partnership Romney once ran, has set up some 138 secretive offshore funds in the Caymans.

"Secretive offshore funds in the Caymans?" Why, he just might be funding a secret apocalyptic Mormon colony with that kind of dough! Or planning on funding a clone army to take over the US Virgin Islands! Will no one stop this madman?!?