Have a Merry Government-Regulated Christmas

The following is the transcript of the speech President Barack Obama gave for this holiday season.

My fellow Americans, as you spend time with your family this holiday season, I have an important proposal for you all to consider. Many of you like to celebrate Christmas. Children love to wake up Christmas morning and go see all the presents waiting under the tree. But what about the children who don't get any presents? What happens with them? The United States Marines have their Toys for Tots program, but that just attacks the symptom. We need a real solution, and that means tackling what is at the heart of the problem: Santa Claus.

For too long, present-giving has been held hostage by the whims of this single man who is accountable to no one. Bearded, obese, and probably mentally unstable, Santa is someone we obviously don't want near our children. He's even somehow associated with known malcontent Jesus Christ (I'm not quite sure who he is, but I remember Jeremiah Wright mentioning him once or twice so I assume he has something to do with the creation of the AIDS virus).

Every year, Santa engages in some sort of domestic spying program, watching our children like a pedophile in wait, and he determines which children are "naughty" or "nice." His methods for determining this are unknown; we also can’t know whether there is a racial disparity in these lists. He then makes his presents for the select few using non-union elf labor and comes to our neighborhoods in an unregistered sleigh pulled by disease-bearing caribou. Then Santa breaks into our houses and engages in his personal form of justice, leaving presents for the children he arbitrarily deems "good" and coal for the children he labels "bad." This is the worst form of vigilante justice -- even worse than anything Batman would do -- as it targets children.

Some would say we are helpless to fight the tyranny of Santa and must do nothing, lest he harms our kids; others say we must end Christmas and abolish all gift-giving. This is a false choice. We can have Christmas and presents, and we can be free of the judgmental madman known as Santa. What we need is a government takeover of the Christmas business.