A Short History of Guns and Sexual Inadequacy

Some intrepid writers are finally getting to the bottom of the gun-violence problem: white males! For instance, Charlotte and Harriet Childress recently wrote a column in the Washington Post calling on white males to stop mass-shooting everyone. Now, it was easy to dismiss that column because, you know, it was written by women, but then Mark Karlin of BuzzFlash wrote an article that got down to the true reason guns are popular: white males' sexual insecurity. Quote the progressive sage: "You can feel at least temporarily reassured when a long-barreled assault weapon compensates for just another average manhood; it's an irresistable[sic] testosterone high to the beleaguered white male."

Some may dismiss such articles as the last gasp of frustrated gun-control proponents who see their views destined for the dustbin of history, to which I say, don’t do amateur psychoanalyzation of people you barely know just because their political opinions differ from yours -- that's a cheap, desperate trick. Others may wonder whether Karlin's obsession with race and phallic symbols means he's actually the one who is some sort of sexually frustrated bigot, but no -- he only obsesses over things like that so he can spot all the other bigots. Karlin is not sexually insecure; while he does have a small penis and has never satisfied a woman, he is very open about that and doesn't feel the need to compensate by owning a firearm. In fact, he's the president of the Sexually Inadequate Appreciation Society, which helps men like him feel happy with their condition. You’ve probably seen their logo around; it's a bit pornographic, but it's also very small.

But the Childresses are right: Where guns are concerned, we have a white-male problem. And Karlin is correct that the root of that problem is sexual insecurity. To really understand this, we have to look at the history of sexual insecurity. Throughout most of history, men lived in harmony, hugging each other, playing in drum circles, eating organically grown food. But then several hundred years ago, sexual insecurity arose among white men. At first, all the white men did was kind of be quiet and curt with each other, but then finally one of them invented a solution to his insecurity: a gun. I believe the inventor's name was Bob Gun -- he named it after himself. And white males, upon seeing the new invention, said, "Well, this shall compensate for my lack of manhood. And now I will find people with darker skin than me and shoot them, because I am racist." And then white males unleashed on the world massacres, genocide, arrhythmic dancing, mayo -- you know, white people stuff. And all because white people tried to handle their sexual insecurity by owning guns.

And incidentally, that was a huge success. Throughout history, gun owners have been known to have legendary sexual prowess, as reported by their wives and concubines. And as guns have become more powerful, the men who possess them have become more powerful in bed. In fact, today sometimes an AR-15 is prescribed as a marital aid.

But we're getting off topic. The point is, white males own guns to try to deal with their sexual insecurity. But that's not the only way those dastardly whitey-white people have dealt with their frustrations. Another way they compensate is with their other obsession: freedom. When a white male goes on and on about how big his freedom is, it doesn't take many guesses to know what is small. When people are like, "I am self-reliant and don't need the government to tell me how to do everything," that's just more compensation for poor performance in the bedroom.

In fact, the United States of America was basically founded because of sexual insecurity. King George drew a ribald cartoon mocking the manhood of the people who would eventually be known as the Founding Fathers. They then overcompensated and were all like, "We'll show you! Look how free we are! Yeah! We have muskets, too! We're real men!" People refer to the Battles of Lexington and Concord as the "shot heard round the world," but that isn't because people were impressed by it. Instead, everyone shook their heads knowingly, saying, "Oh, we know what that's about; those colonists just aren't pleasing their wives."

So, minorities, let this be a lesson to you: Don't be sexually insecure. Stay away from these guns and freedom that white males are trying to peddle. If you ever feel the need to own a gun to protect your family, or if you want to shed the shackles of government, that's just your member saying, "I'm small! Compensate for me!" Don't listen to it! And while white males may act like they'll be happy if you join them in gun ownership and their love of freedom, as soon as your back is turned, they'll say racist things like, "Hey, see that guy over there? I'm racist against him!"

Be secure in your manhood, and trust government to provide your protection and all your other needs. Right now, progressives have a bunch of plans which, if implemented, might possibly make things safer in inner cities in twenty to thirty years or so. But if you minorities ever have doubts, go to a good white male like the progressive Mark Karlin, and he'll tell you what to do. And there is no reason to be scared of him, because he has very small genitalia.

And everyone is okay with that.