A Short History of Guns and Sexual Inadequacy

Some intrepid writers are finally getting to the bottom of the gun-violence problem: white males! For instance, Charlotte and Harriet Childress recently wrote a column in the Washington Post calling on white males to stop mass-shooting everyone. Now, it was easy to dismiss that column because, you know, it was written by women, but then Mark Karlin of BuzzFlash wrote an article that got down to the true reason guns are popular: white males' sexual insecurity. Quote the progressive sage: "You can feel at least temporarily reassured when a long-barreled assault weapon compensates for just another average manhood; it's an irresistable[sic] testosterone high to the beleaguered white male."

Some may dismiss such articles as the last gasp of frustrated gun-control proponents who see their views destined for the dustbin of history, to which I say, don’t do amateur psychoanalyzation of people you barely know just because their political opinions differ from yours -- that's a cheap, desperate trick. Others may wonder whether Karlin's obsession with race and phallic symbols means he's actually the one who is some sort of sexually frustrated bigot, but no -- he only obsesses over things like that so he can spot all the other bigots. Karlin is not sexually insecure; while he does have a small penis and has never satisfied a woman, he is very open about that and doesn't feel the need to compensate by owning a firearm. In fact, he's the president of the Sexually Inadequate Appreciation Society, which helps men like him feel happy with their condition. You’ve probably seen their logo around; it's a bit pornographic, but it's also very small.

But the Childresses are right: Where guns are concerned, we have a white-male problem. And Karlin is correct that the root of that problem is sexual insecurity. To really understand this, we have to look at the history of sexual insecurity. Throughout most of history, men lived in harmony, hugging each other, playing in drum circles, eating organically grown food. But then several hundred years ago, sexual insecurity arose among white men. At first, all the white men did was kind of be quiet and curt with each other, but then finally one of them invented a solution to his insecurity: a gun. I believe the inventor's name was Bob Gun -- he named it after himself. And white males, upon seeing the new invention, said, "Well, this shall compensate for my lack of manhood. And now I will find people with darker skin than me and shoot them, because I am racist." And then white males unleashed on the world massacres, genocide, arrhythmic dancing, mayo -- you know, white people stuff. And all because white people tried to handle their sexual insecurity by owning guns.

And incidentally, that was a huge success. Throughout history, gun owners have been known to have legendary sexual prowess, as reported by their wives and concubines. And as guns have become more powerful, the men who possess them have become more powerful in bed. In fact, today sometimes an AR-15 is prescribed as a marital aid.