Get Ready for a Real 'Chicago Way' Olympics (Updated)

The economy is floundering. Terrorists still threaten us, and Iran continues on its path toward obtaining nuclear weapons. Afghanistan stands on the brink, and the war could be lost if we lose our resolve. Thus, we know what is foremost on President Obama's mind: the Olympics!

That's right. Obama is determined to help get the Olympics for Chicago. We Chicagoans got him to be senator and then president, so he pretty much owes us. And with Obama's influence -- foreigners love the guy -- Chicago should be a lock, so we might as well start planning now. I'm excited; Chicago is a great place for the Olympics, as the city is known for fair play. In fact, under the city's influence, this should be the fairest Olympics ever, where it won't just be open to an elite set of athletes who trained all their lives. Instead, it will be open to anyone of any physical ability who happens to have the right connections and enough money.

I already talked to Tony Rezko, and he has some great deals lined up for us on properties where we could build the stadium. All he wants is for his son to win a silver medal in one of the events; he doesn't even care which. It's a steal, really. So as soon as we have the go-ahead, we'll talk to the unions and get things started.

Now, Chicago could be a bit of a culture shock for some of you from foreign countries. If you're from some violent, third-world dictatorship that holds show elections where the result is predetermined, then it will actually be pretty similar. Anyway, we will set everyone up with some pamphlets on how to avoid getting stabbed and whom not to make eye contact with. We're all friends here, though, so if you see a crime being committed in the city, keep it to yourself. We don't like squealers. That's one of the ways you get stabbed.

Unfortunately, we're going to have to get rid of all the target shooting competitions. Guns aren't allowed in Chicago. I know the Supreme Court has ruled that you can't ban guns, but I'm pretty sure most of the Constitution doesn't actually apply to Chicago. At least we all operate under that assumption. Plus we keep guns out of here for a good reason: When people start bringing them in, it makes the criminal element nervous. They're a constituency, too, and we look out for them here. In fact, we have perhaps the highest percentage of legislators who are convicted felons.