Frank J. Fleming is one of the most brilliant writers in existence. Some call him the defining conservative voice of our generation. Others call him the defining conservative voice of all time. Still others get angry at him, as they’re easily confused by satire. Whatever you say about him, you have to agree that his unique columns and witty blogging are the pinnacle of man’s ability to put words together in sentences and are probably what will be used to define our civilization when the remains of it are dug up by aliens or ape-men. It’s really hard for me to be objective when writing about Fleming because he’s just so awesome. Women want him, men want to be him, dogs want to be pet by him, cats… well, they hiss at him. You can’t trust those creatures.
So there was probably no one more excited than I was when I learned he was going to have an ebook published by HarperCollins. But then I saw the title: Obama: The Greatest President in the History of Everything. Was Fleming really going to argue for President Obama? What kind of cruel joke was this? My world was shattered.
But then I got a hold of myself and said, “Remember, we’re talking about Frank Fleming… and not just any Frank Fleming — Frank J. Fleming. Obviously, he knows what he’s doing.” And then it became apparent to me why he wrote this book. Fleming could easily have written a book called Obama: Not Very Good at This Whole President Thing. In it he’d go on about how Barack Obama is an arrogant idiot with no useful skills who is completely in over his head and should probably write a big letter of apology to the whole country, resign, and exile himself to the far north regions of Canada, never to be heard from again. It would be rather predictable. Still, because Fleming wrote it, it would undoubtedly be one of the greatest books in the English language and well worth your money, but it wouldn’t be the best book he could write.
For Fleming to do his best, he needs a challenge, and what greater challenge could there be than to argue that Obama is the greatest president ever in the history of everything? Think of the book as a “What If…” scenario. What if all the overenthusiastic people so convinced in 2008 that Obama would be the best president ever were in fact right, and the only thing keeping us from recognizing Obama as the savior of America is our limited intelligence and perception? This is the scenario Fleming runs with; you might dismiss it as “science fiction,” but he makes it believable.
After an intro that takes us back to the mindset of unlimited hope and wonder that Obama gave our country when he first entered the political scene, Fleming chronicles the rise of Obama from obscurity to power. He quickly establishes that we can’t look upon Obama like we would a normal man, because he’s obviously something more.
Many believe that Barack [middle name omitted because it’s racist to draw attention to] Obama is just a regular person who puts his pants on one leg at a time like the rest of us, but this is fallacy. In fact, were you to witness the miraculous way in which Obama puts on his pants, your brain would hemorrhage trying to comprehend it, and you’d die.
After showing how we came to be blessed with the Obama presidency, Fleming then begins his airtight argument that proves Obama has in fact been the best president ever. He does this by going through all the issues Obama has confronted — the economy, spending, energy, foreign affairs — and explains how Obama has done as well as any person possibly could — or even better. And Fleming is careful to assuage any fears and show us how the failures of our own intelligence keep us from understanding Obama’s methods.
Obama is operating on a whole other level here where we can’t even follow his logic, and that can be scary at times. It’s like if some sort of primitive person — a West Virginian, perhaps — saw a surgeon doing an operation. He’d think the surgeon was harming the sleeping man by cutting in to him, when in fact the surgeon was helping that man. And that’s who Obama is — a smiling man with a knife that we’re a little bit scared of. But don’t worry; he knows what he’s doing.
Not satisfied with merely proving that Obama has expertly handled all the issues in front of him, Fleming then compares Obama to every previous president to show how he bests each one. Fleming also takes on some of the common objections to Obama and expertly defeats them. And he ends the book with a look to the future, showing exactly how “when the future that we will win becomes the present that was won” we will have reached a land of infinite wonder, thanks to Obama.
This is a great ebook — if not the greatest book ever in either print or digital format — and I now feel like Judas times Benedict Arnold plus Jane Fonda for ever having doubted Frank J. Fleming or Barack Obama. Out of five stars, I give this book an eighty-three. And at $1.99, there is no excuse not to buy it. I’ve heard of places in the world where people live on two dollars a day, so worst case scenario is that you don’t eat for a day so you can save up to get it — and it’s worth that. Anyone capable of learning the English language should absolutely read this book. So should all humans and some chimpanzees and gorillas. Then together we can realize what a great leader Obama is and stop worrying so much and perhaps stop all this nonsense of trying to find a Republican replacement for him, which really has gotten rather irritating.
Thank you, Frank J. Fleming, for writing this book. I don’t know what I’d do without you.