The Leer Heard Round the World

There is a photo of President Obama with French President Nicolas Sarkozy staring at a girl’s backside, and as a Christian conservative, I am outraged.

What is Obama doing so near a Frenchman? Does he even know where he’s been? I hear they’re disease-ridden. Does Obama have no sense at all?

And then there is the ogling of random females. It’s a huge scandal. Absolutely horrible. In fact, it’s indicative of everything that’s wrong with everything. And I’m not just saying this because I don’t like Obama; I’d be just as angry about this if George W. Bush were caught doing it and he were a Democrat.

First of all, President Obama has brought shame and dishonor on our country. Now everyone is going to look at America as a bunch of skeezy pervs. The Saudis will be like, “Now you see why we dress up our women like frumpy ninjas: We don’t want your weirdo president drooling all over them!” And I heard something about her being underage. So now he’s like a pedophile too. Other countries aren’t going to let their kids hang out here anymore. There goes all that “other countries love him.” Now he’s the lecherous weirdo president.

Furthermore, he just looks like such a dork compared to Sarkozy. Sarkozy is standing there so calm and reserved with a smarmy expression you just want to punch. He looks like he’s used to checking out women all the time. With Barack Obama, though, once again his inexperience is clearly on display. He looks like he’s never even seen a woman before and is ready to fall over in surprise. And then his mouth is agape like he’s just barely holding back exclaiming, “Damn, that’s some fine booty!”

Wait, is that racist? White people say “booty” too, right? I wouldn’t know because I don’t know any white people. This is why it’s hard to write about Obama. I already nixed using the phrase “cheeky monkey” from that old Mike Meyers SNL sketch because I know someone would take that the wrong way.

Anyway, I know some of you immoral types who don’t have problems with disgusting pervert stuff are probably saying this isn’t a big deal, but if it’s not like the super biggest deal ever then why is the MSM rushing to defend their chosen one? ABC did a segment analyzing film of the moment and concluded he was just making sure she was okay taking the step, and the butt contains the muscles used for walking up stairs so that’s why he was looking there. And they cast doubt on the notion that Obama would ever look at another woman because if he ever read a newspaper, he’d know his wife is like the most beautiful woman ever. So why would he stare at some other woman’s butt when he could look at Michelle’s arms?

The point is, if the liberal media is trying to dispel the notion that Obama was looking at a woman’s butt, that only proves they know it is a scandal that could sink the presidency. Too bad for them there is another photo of him and Sarkozy checking out a woman as she bends over. He’s a serial bum-looker! Do you know of anything Obama actually accomplished while overseas? Me neither. Far as we know now, he just travels to other countries and ogles women. He’s like Governor Sanford with a bigger travel budget. And I think that Sarkozy is bad influence on him. I wouldn’t let Obama hang out with him anymore. At the very least, we should send Dick Cheney as a chaperon next time; everyone is scared of him.

If we let this go on, Obama is going to end up being another Bill Clinton. We couldn’t even control him when he was sent overseas. We’d just give the foreign dignitaries spray bottles to squirt Clinton in the face with if he started humping their legs. And remember how things were when that horndog was in charge? Terrorist attacks, six different nuclear attacks, a couple of alien invasions, and one zombie attack … though I may be getting things confused because I played a lot of video games and watched a lot of movies during the nineties. And I’ve been having a lot of blackouts lately so it’s getting harder to remember if I’ve taken my medication.

Regardless, we don’t want a weirdo perv president. Our enemies could use it to their advantage.

“We need to strike quickly against North Korea’s nuclear capabilities before … Ooh! Look at that booty! …What was I talking about?”

So write a letter to Barack Obum-looker telling him that this is not acceptable. Keep it civil though — only use two swear words at most. We have to have some moral standards in this country if we don’t want to collapse into anarchy and be completely unprepared for the next zombie attack. Also, I’m pretty sure checking out women’s behinds is against the Bible. I’m not sure where, though. Might be one of those coveting amendments God passed.