There has been a problem plaguing Republicans for some time, and that problem is conservatives. Perhaps you’ve seen some, screaming about taxes or whatever Rush Limbaugh — the fat drug user they listen to on the radio — tells them to be angry about. Or maybe you’ve seen them going on about things written in that book they’re always thumping — Tales of the Invisible Sky Fairy, or whatever it’s called. It’s harmless if they can be rounded up and convinced to vote how we tell them to, like when we got them to support McCain. But the problems arise when they demand to be heard and have their concerns addressed. This can never be done, because to ever do anything that conservatives ask risks the GOP its most precious resource: the moderate.
The moderate is the lifeblood of any viable political party. There is no winning without attracting their capricious support. The moderate, though, is a delicate flower that must be cultivated carefully. Its one goal in life is to appear reasonable, but there is no reasonableness that accompanies the adamant demands of conservatives. The conservatives keep asking that the Republican Party abide by its own ideals, but nothing — nothing — scares away moderates like steadfast principles.
Luckily, the Republicans have a friend like Colin Powell to prevent the destructive influence of conservatives and their beliefs. Powell is the ultimate moderate. When his party nominated a squishy moderate for president last year that the base had to hold its nose to vote for, he still voted for the other party. Now that is a moderate we can all learn from. He knows exactly what the American people want: two parties virtually indistinguishable from each other. That way if people ever begin to dislike one party, they can just vote for the other as a protest without having to worry about it differing from their values.
Eventually, people are going to dislike the Democrats — maybe thinking they’re going too far on spending (or not far enough) — and then Powell’s Republican Party will be waiting there as a completely innocuous alternative.
Conservatives could not see this simple wisdom, though. Rush Limbaugh (or “Fatty Fat Fat Stupid Druggy Fat Fat,” as I like to call him) had to pick a fight with Powell. His firm stances on issues scare away moderates like light startles cockroaches (cockroaches who often vote, mind you). All Rush did was point out the differences conservatives have with Powell — like how he supported Obama, is pro-choice, and is for bigger government. If Rush (who is fat and does drugs) had any actual concern for the party, he’d focus on what Powell and conservatives have in common like … uh … um … how they both don’t wear pants on their heads. Can’t we build a party around commonalities like that?
At times it seems like the conservatives just can’t be quelled. They’ve already scared off Arlen Specter, who, if not the heart of the Republican Party, was at least some internal organ like the appendix. Perhaps we can try and get some moderate version of Rush (but not fat and on drugs) on the air who would sound very reasonable but never take a firm stance on anything. We at least need someone to calm down those crazed conservatives and knock some sense into their thick skulls. They just need to stop acting like children who vote based on the issues. Instead, they need to be adults and support whoever has the right letter next to his name. If the Republican Party could just be indistinguishable, policy-wise, from the Democrats but get the idiot conservatives to vote for it anyway, you’d have to admit it would be unstoppable.
Perhaps it’s just a pipe dream, though. Conservatives don’t understand logic or reason. They’ll do all they can to chase away people like Colin Powell, and the Democratic Party will continue to grow in power. It may soon become so cocky that it will begin to radicalize, and then there will be no place for the moderates. With no one left to listen to their concerns they will only have one place to turn: extremism. That’s right, we’ll have the advent of moderate extremists with vacillating, half-hearted acts of terror. Like they might target a politician, but instead of assassinating him, they’d just wound him. And maybe also buy him a present to cover all bases. And we would be powerless to stop them as there would be no way to meet their incoherent and often contradictory demands.
We can’t let that happen. Moderates have always been extremely unstable — mentally unbalanced, even. That’s just part of being politically active while having no central philosophy. We don’t want them against us; the Republican Party and the country itself can’t take it. To keep the moderates from freaking out, we need to take this party back from the scary, nitwit conservatives and put their principled stands high up on a shelf where they can’t reach them. And, whatever we do, no more listening to Rush Limbaugh about the future of the Republican Party. He’s fat and on drugs.