Francisco Silva: A Real Clown for President

Perhaps ironically, President Obama paved the way for Grumpy's presidency by tearing down all former constitutional barriers to enlightened governance. Under his leadership, the former Constitution has also been preempted by numerous United Nations resolutions, federal agency regulations, court decisions, and media articles and has finally been replaced with a politically correct, screaming, sneering, and crying "Living Constitution."

Accordingly, trivial and no longer relevant concerns simply don't matter in our new multicultural age of politically correct globalism. That is necessary and proper (and therefore acceptable even under the old, worn out Constitution), because we now have new and truly important concerns. Just think, for example, about our deteriorating relations with Brazil and other South and even Central American countries (Brazil's economy outweighs that of all other South American countries). A slow motion Chinese economic earthquake has struck Brazil and major aftershocks continue. China is already Brazil's biggest investor and trade partner. China's exports to Brazil increased from $1.2 billion in 2000 to $25.5 billion in 2010 while Brazilian exports to China climbed more than thirty-fold from $1 billion to $30.7 billion -- giving Brazil an estimated $5.2 billion annual trade surplus with China. The election of President Grumpy could not make our relations with either country any worse.

There are also signs that formerly staunch United States ally Colombia -- already snuggling in bed with China due to China's massive investments there and getting great trade concessions in the bargain -- may be going down the spiral drain as an ally; Colombia is also begging Venezuela for subsidized gasoline, and on April 10 Colombian President Santos and Venezuelan President Chávez signed "16 agreements of cooperation and integration and agreed to seek ways to help Honduras to return to the Organization of American States (OAS)." Ecuador expelled the United States ambassador on April 5 and the United States expelled the Ecuadorian ambassador two days later. With few exceptions, the United States is persona non grata throughout the region.

Problems comparable to these were often avoided in Europe years ago by interbreeding members of the royal families of many different and often hostile nations. Rather than simply meddle immaculately and therefore ineffectively in the internal affairs of such places as Libya, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Londonstan, Paristan, and others, we must now do the functional equivalent of what the old monarchies did by inviting wise foreign statist leaders statespersons to commingle with our own in our domestic political affairs -- to play equal and suitably acknowledged roles in the internal political intercourse of the United States. Gaddafi, Karzai, Ahmadinejad, Chávez, Castro and many other great world statespersons or their designees should be welcomed as honored members of the United States Congress or even as far more important and prestigious administration czars.

To ensure reciprocity, we must encourage our leaders to play comparable roles in the affairs of foreign countries. This will elevate world opinion about the United States no less than did President Obama's worldwide apology tours. Beyond advancing these goals, electing Grumpy will also go far toward making many segments of our growing population of undocumented voters and their lightly documented cousins happy that we have finally agreed to assimilate. Grumpy's Hispanic surname, Silva, will help.

Appreciate clowns or hate them, Grumpy is probably the only viable presidential candidate. Bishop Homer Tomlinson (October 25, 1892 - December 5, 1968) is no longer available to assume the presidency. Although neither self-depreciating nor intentionally funny, he would nevertheless have been qualified. He was the bishop of the Homer Tomlinson Branch of the Church of God and a perennial candidate of the Theocratic Party for the presidency of the United States:

His campaign promises included: substituting tithing for taxes, creating cabinet posts for "Secretary of Righteousness" and "Secretary of the Holy Bible," unifying church and state, and establishing Bible reading and prayer in all schools.

Tomlinson never won an election, though he did receive 24 votes in 1964. But that didn't matter, because in 1965 he declared himself "King of the World." He ruled the world from a hotel room in Jerusalem, wearing a gold-painted crown and sitting on a folding chair.