Don't Worry: Osama Was Shot in Accordance with Islamic Tradition

Still, I know some of you are concerned about when the Navy SEALs raided Osama's compound, whether he was then shot in the face in accordance with Islamic tradition. Well, don't worry; he absolutely was. The very last thing anyone wanted was for Osama to think while he was being killed, "They're doing this to me because I'm Muslim!" Because, again, that would definitely not be true. So great care was taken, and he was shot in the face in a religiously respectful way.

For instance, none of the Navy SEALs in the raid were eating a pork sandwich as they did it. And none of them had on them any depictions of Muhammad (PBUH). Also, the raid was done between prayer times -- not during! And when Osama was shot in the face, he was facing westward. I'm not sure that's actually religiously important, but if it is, then, yes, he was doing that. And when he was shot, the traditional Muslim expression of "Allahu Akbar!" was shouted -- except it was an English translation, so it was something like, "Thank you, Jesus!"

Of course, not everyone interprets the Qur'an the same way, so Osama was also shot in accordance with a few other traditions to make sure all bases were covered. So he was shot eleven times total. But there was a little hitch -- he didn't actually die from the gunshots. It kind of caught everyone off guard, and they were a bit stumped on what religiously respectful thing to do next. But then a quick thinking SEAL grabbed a Qur'an and beat Osama to death with it.

Okay, maybe that wasn't the best idea in the history of respecting religions, but you can understand the sentiment. How comforting for Osama was it that the last thing he saw was his own holy book? Still, it's understandable how some would see that as the opposite of being respectful, so the U.S. government would like to say to the friends and family of Osama -- those who haven't been killed or captured -- a heartfelt "Oopsie." And we assure you, the Qur'an was cleaned off, and an imam looked it over to make sure it was not permanently harmed. So no worries there.

Still, it's a great time for America, and it was was nice to see all those people cheering in the streets Sunday night when they heard the news that Osama had been treated in a way that respected his religion. Because that's what is important in this modern world, and we work very hard on respecting the culture of those we have to kill for pragmatic reasons. And it's hard, because people can really take it the wrong way when you storm their compounds and start shooting them. They may think, "Are Americans doing this because they look down on our religion and culture?" And no one wants that; we want to hurt people, not feelings. That's why all hellfire missiles now have written on the front of them, "This shouldn't be construed as a negative view of your religion." And the battle cry of the United States Marines has been changed to "THIS IS WITH THE UTMOST RESPECT!" It's terrifying when men armed with assault rifles yell it while firing at you ... but at the same time, it's a little comforting.

Again, I have to emphasize that America has no problem with Islam -- just with terrorists -- many of whom happen to be Muslim ... and we think it's great they've chosen such a lovely religion with such a storied culture. That's not a problem for us... It's just the murdering. That's our only beef.

And that's why everyone involved in hunting terrorists these days is well-trained in being respectful to those they're gunning down. And we can only hope that the last thing that went through Osama's head was the thought, "Wow, these Americans killing me sure are respectful of my religious views."

Well, the last thing before the bullet, that is. The certified halal bullet.