Donald Trump Is a Big Effing Deal
Did you happen to catch Chris Rock’s performance in Vegas on April 28? I’m not generally comfortable with revealing my guilty pleasures to the world, but I have to admit that the guy cracks me up. Of course, it’s not the sort of entertainment I’d care to share with the younger members of my extended family given the raw language and lack of genteel social sensibilities on display, but there’s no denying that the man is a hoot.
Oh, wait. I’m sorry. That wasn’t Chris Rock. It was Donald Trump.
“We build a school, we build a road…” [overseas] “they blow them up, we build again, in the meantime we can’t get a f***ing school in Brooklyn.”
How to deal with China? "Listen you motherf***rs we're going to tax you 25 percent!"
So it wasn’t a stand-up comedy act -- at least not an intentional one. No, it was something much, much better. With his former campaign platform of demanding to see President Obama’s birth certificate effectively having had its legs kicked out from under it, the Donald clearly needed to rebrand his advertising strategy. And on one sultry night in Sin City he did precisely that, managing to tap into precisely what America has been looking for.
The nation is clearly unhappy with all three arms of its government and has been since at least 2006. The president’s approval numbers are sinking like a stone across all demographics. As for the legislative branch, the most recent poll numbers show that 91% find Congress only marginally more palatable than syphilis.
Even the judicial branch is held in low esteem. People not only disagree with the conclusions drawn by the Supreme Court, but find the justices’ written opinions dry, overly long, and difficult to read. And let’s be honest… most of us couldn’t make it through the first four pages of Citizens United without nodding off on the couch. The most riveting prosaic creations of John Roberts are better than a double dose of Lunesta.
So what could be done to improve this? Imagine for a moment if you could simply replace Clarence Thomas (who never says anything anyway) with… Judge Judy. Gone would be the days of unsatisfying rejections based on a lack of proper standing by the plaintiff or musty descriptions of unintelligible quotes from wig wearing colonials who have been dead for two centuries or more. We could all feel better if -- just once -- a justice stood up in the middle of a case and cried, “You sir are a ****ing idiot. And I’m fining you $10,000.00 for wasting my time by even coming here today.”
This is the hidden genius of Donald Trump, and the rare quality which he brings to a field of candidates lacking the buzz and sparkle required to grab ratings in today’s multimedia world. And it’s obviously long overdue. Picture how some of our previous leaders might have fared had they possessed the kind of fire in the belly which Trump so bravely displays.
Bill Clinton became famous for his line, “It depends on what the meaning of the word is is.” Famous, yes, but not admired. If Clinton had been possessed of the courage of his convictions and a sense of history he would have said, “Did you see the booty on that girl? You’d tap that **** in a heartbeat, trust me. You know you would. And you’d have lied about it, too if you had Hillary in the next room watching the whole damned thing on CSPAN.”
At that point he could have simply stood up in the middle of the proceedings, recited Otter’s classic courtroom exit speech from Animal House, and marched out of the hall while his supporters in the gallery hummed the national anthem. In the process he would have marched right into history.
Donald Trump can bring that sense of style to the White House. If some modern day Khrushchev begins pounding his shoe on the table during tense negotiations, unlike Nixon’s passive response Trump will whip out a tire iron and crack his skull with it.
Trump wouldn’t have ordered a scope limited, time limited, military kinetic action to deal with Libya. He’d have bought the entire country by now, fired Gaddafi, and sent him off to work at one of his golf courses with a stinging cloud of expletives following him out of the room.
Trouble with the teachers' unions? No worries! The Donald will bypass the state governments, issue an executive order closing all of the schools, show up with a bullhorn and shout, “You mother****ers want to teach people something? Teach ‘em how to live on no damn pay, ya incompetent bastards!”
Times have changed. Americans have long since given up on taking their kids to the shore for a holiday. Instead, they stay home and let them watch Jersey Shore. And it’s high time for government to evolve and catch up with 21st century trends.
There’s only one man to lead us into that brave new world, and his name is Donald J. Trump. Stay strong, Donald. Your hour has come round at last and it’s time for you to slouch toward Washington to be born.
(And at the Tatler, read about what might sink Trump.)