Defused Lethal Al Gore Poem Released by Government

Omaha, Nebraska: December 31, 2010 The Reformed Senate Select Committee to Investigate the Mass Progressive Suicides (CIMPS) of December 2009 today released its findings on the tragedy.

CIMPS' summary concludes:

Late last year a virulent poem created by Al Gore decimated the Progressive Movement of the United States when 98% of its membership committed suicide after reading it. Contrary to rumors of a putsch by the Conservative Revolutionary Front, it is the finding of the emergency U.S. government in Omaha that it was not LSD in the water supply of Washington, the Upper West Side, and vast portions of Hollywood, San Francisco, and 1300 Pennsylvania Avenue that precipitated the near extinction of American progressives. Neither was it a conspiracy of global oil interests headed by defrocked members of the KGB. The deaths are attributable to the deranged act of a lone poet.

"Many thought the progressive die-off of last December was the act of foreign terrorists. This was understandable in view of the devastation and elation, but wrong. On the contrary," President-Select Sarah Palin announced today on her "That's Mrs. President to You" Facebook page, "our investigation has discovered that all those progressives whose bodies could be identified once the Hazmat teams had secured the afflicted areas were found clutching copies of a poem by Al Gore."

Dubbed "the deadliest poem since Barney Frank's unpublished collection of erotic haiku, Basement Boys, was ruthlessly suppressed in the 1990s," President-Select Palin assured the public that if one had normal American sensibilities the poem had been rendered safe to read as long as "at least three hours have passed since your last meal."

Independent Confirmation Postponed

It was hoped that the Associated Press would be able to fact-check Gore's "verse" for residual embedded lethality, but premature exposure to the lines without protection left that organization devastated as nearly 99% of the progressively minded staff succumbed to its powers even after detoxification.

Following federal guidelines in the use of protective reading Kindle filters, your PJM-certified reporter has examined a detoxed version of the deadly verse. Following that he is able to bring you this close structural examination of its lethal elements. For your protection, the Gore opus has been fully disassembled, flayed, and fisked on a line by line basis.

Still, if you harbor any faint progressive tendencies, it's best you "just say no" lest you decide, as many progressives did after reading it during those tragic days of last December, to "just kill myself."

WARNING: Under no circumstances consider reassembling the deadly verse.

Al Gore's "P.O.E.M." With the Safety On

One thin September soon

[Here Gore strikes the bardic lute sounding his "barbaric yawp" for a greater commitment to his Rush Limbaugh crash diet, and at the same time introducing the "oon" rhyme in case "moon, June, croon, spoon" should be needed at a later moment. Forewarned, short-armed, etc.]

A floating continent disappears

[Here the poet performs his first blatant literary theft by purloining a key concept from the Welsh Poet Donovan's early LSD period masterwork, Atlantis, but wisely eschews Donovan’s dubious "Way down below the ocean" motif.]

In midnight sun

[Identifying with the Inuit (aka Eskimos), Gore evokes the image of dark on darker dark at its darkest. While it may be said that Milton's "darkness visible" beats this trope in terms of concision, Milton falls short by failing to allude to the diversity of life which Gore was known to have kept in the sub-basement of his Nashville home (The location for the "Bring out the gimp!" scene in Pulp Fiction.)]