Cheerful, Bespectacled Hockey Mom Drives Journalists Nuts

The effrontery is mindboggling. Palin's under no obligation to help these vultures sell ads. Her convention speech was watched by more people than Obama's (and on fewer networks), she's getting amazing poll numbers, and she hasn't needed to submit to interrogation by a hostile press to do it. Just the opposite: For all her obvious charms, she wouldn't be nearly as popular as she is right now if not for this blatant, backfiring smear campaign. The more our "advocates" in the media try to make her the bad guy for refusing to set foot in their kangaroo court until she's good and ready, the more deeply they will be despised.

These reporters can complain all they want, but they have nobody to blame but themselves. There's already a list as long as your arm of unfounded accusations (and true, but irrelevant, factoids) that the orchestrators of this obvious smear campaign have thrown at her, and the news is doing its level best to thoroughly investigate each and every one. If they dug into Obama's connections to black separatists and domestic terrorists and other hope-and-change advocates as thoroughly as they're digging into Palin's PTA records and pizza delivery receipts, we might have a whole different election. But that would only happen in some sort of mirror universe where Obama had joined a different party.  They've come up empty again and again, but they still can't stop. The more they realize that this woman actually might be as squeaky-clean as advertised, the harder they try to find something. Anything. And the dumber they look, the angrier and sloppier they get. Every "Gotcha!" becomes a "D'oh!" Keep stepping on those rakes, guys.

Good. Keep it up until Nov. 4, you noble gatekeepers. Keep growing McCain's lead and shrinking your own bottom line. (I can't wait for the graphs of cable news ratings and newspaper circulation numbers this month. They'll resemble Obama's frown lines last Wednesday night.)

To put it much more succinctly: This mother of five has put the entire mainstream media on timeout. No wonder they're crying. I leave you with a story that didn't actually appear in a major American newspaper this week -- just a blog -- but only because they didn't think of it:

Palin Dodges Tough Questions About Existence of "Alaska"

By Elizabeth Bumiller, New York Times, Wednesday, September 3, 2008; A1

Media Bubble, Sept. 2 -- Embattled former beauty queen Sarah Palin* continued to wilt yesterday under the pressure of numerous fair, evenhanded media questions regarding the alleged state of "Alaska."

Palin has claimed to be "governor" of the legendary northern land mass, which, while heretofore undiscovered by explorers, was once rumored to contain vast expanses rich with oil, gold, and "eski-mos."  Palin first made the "Alaska" claim during an Aug. 29 public appearance alongside elderly, mean-looking cancer victim John McCain.

McCain, a white man with even whiter hair, has long publicly blocked efforts by Barack Obama, a youthful black man with a certain indefinable aura about him, to move into Obama's new house. Palin, also white-skinned, has been linked to the McCain offensive.

After four days of telling silence from the McCain camp, Palin finally deigned to reappear in public yesterday. In a followup press conference, Palin, who is a girl, lashed out at the media. "Listen to me: Alaska. Is. A. State. Seriously. The 49th state, in fact. Way up north there. What, did somebody go around your newsrooms and hide all the maps underneath the ethics manuals? Or are you idiots just completely insane?"

Shaking her head in a transparent attempt to feign exasperation, Palin -- who is perhaps not as pretty as she thinks she is -- then left the podium without answering followup questions regarding her plagiarism of CBS's Northern Exposure. Internet reaction to the unfit mother's unhinged rant was swift. Andrew Sullivan, right-wing blogger for The Atlantic, saw Palin's comments as a major misstep. "She's working the refs. This is what they do. Sure, blame the media. Is it their fault she's too chicken to back up these suspicious claims?"

He added: "Look, I'm willing to entertain the idea that there really is a place called 'Alaska.' We've all heard the old wives' tales, and I've dreamed about such a rugged, outdoorsy paradise since I was about 13 or 14. But why is she so afraid to give us some proof? I mean, I've never been there, have you?"

Yukon Cornelius could not be reached for comment.

Update: After consultation with the Association of American Geographers and several DC-area kindergarten students, the Times can now report that many current world maps contain a small area in the northwest corner of North America labeled "Alaska." Palin's relationship with the mapmaking industry is currently under investigation.

*Real name undetermined at press time