Bush-Bashers Face Looming Identity Crisis

Many of us like to make fun of Dr. Phil, the television therapist who, after getting his start on Oprah, got his own show and makes a fortune off of telling perfectionist moms, teens who want plastic surgery, and people whose lives have been ruined by the Internet to "get real." But he provides a real service: giving people their 15 minutes of fame while entertaining housewives and college students across America who are thankful that they aren't nearly as pitiful as many of the guests on Dr. Phil's show.

But in mere months Americans are going to need all of the Dr. Phils that they can find, as a disaster of epic proportions just ripe for ratings pickings is looming large on the horizon.

What, you ask? Will there be another major attack in the U.S. by Islamists? Is the gigantic volcano lurking beneath Yellowstone National Park ready to explode? Is David Letterman planning on replacing his popular "Top Ten" segment with a how-to series on knitting?

It's worse than you think: George W. Bush will be leaving office in mid-January 2009, leaving professional Bush-bashers up the proverbial creek without a paddle. Once Bush is no longer in office and, one presumes, enjoying his retirement on his ranch in Crawford, Texas, who will Americans blame for all the ills known to plague modern man?

The few days of national unity against an evil force that seeks to destroy America after 9/11 notwithstanding, President Bush has been blamed for just about every problem known to plague humanity. Not only is he responsible for the fact that Europeans think we're just a bunch of boorish cowboys who don't know a salad fork from a demitasse spoon -- yes, I know they've always thought that, but it's worse now, right? -- but he's also responsible for:

  • 9/11 (if you don't believe it was an inside job, just ask Rosie O'Donnell)

  • the mess in New Orleans and the surrounding area after Hurricane Katrina in 2005 (conveniently letting state and city government bumblers off the hook)

  • global warming because he wouldn't sign the Kyoto Protocol (even though Congress gave it thumbs down during Bill Clinton's administration and Clinton decided to leave well enough alone)

  • the tsunami in Indonesia in 2004 (see above reason)

  • weight and relationship problems of average citizens whom he's never even met

I could go on, but my space is limited.