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Birthers Have a Point: Is Hawaii Really a State?

According to Wikipedia (which anyone can edit), Hawaii was made a state on August 21, 1959, but I don't remember that. Of course, the "copy" of the birth certificate California gave me said I wasn't born until 1979 so I shouldn't remember it ... which is really convenient for Hawaii. So I called the capitol to request the official records showing that Hawaii was made a state, and guess what I heard from them? I got a recorded message saying, "I'm sorry; we're closed right now. Please call during our regular office hours." WHAT ARE THEY HIDING?!!

Tell me this: Have you ever actually seen Hawaii? Sure, you may think you have been there, but a plane could have just flown circles around the ocean and landed at any island, for all you know. Don't you find it suspicious that Hawaii is supposedly located in the middle of the ocean so no one can ever actually see it from the shores of real America?

It's because the CIA made it up.

What? You don't think the CIA could have done something like that? Pardon me while I laugh at your naivete.


We're talking the same CIA that assassinated JFK to keep him from talking about the aliens at Roswell. Sure, they only shot his clone since they actually have the real Kennedy locked away in a lab somewhere, combining his DNA with ape DNA in failed attempts to make super Kennedys (hence the Bigfoot sightings and Ted Kennedy), but inventing a state is hardly beyond them.

You see, I'm not some sheep who walks around with his eyes closed, mindlessly believing whatever he is told. Instead, my eyes are wide open and uncomprehending all that's before them, since it's all lies. But I'm a reasonable person and will gladly accept Obama as president if I simply am given his actual birth certificate, allowed to chemically analyze it to verify its authenticity, given official certification that Hawaii is a state, allowed to interrogate any surviving people who were involved in that decision, allowed to handle an actual copy of the Constitution to verify what's written in it about the constitutional requirements to be president (it would be foolish to trust what I'm told the Constitution says on the internet), and allowed to examine the Declaration of Independence to make sure it's real and that we're not still part of Great Britain and thus shouldn't even have a president. (Why did John Hancock make his signature so big? Probably to make it easier to forge.)

Also, while this is happening, I'll need some way to verify that it's not a drug-induced hallucination or that I'm stuck in virtual reality simulation. And I'll need to be able to repeat the process whenever I ask, since memories can be altered and video of me examining these items could have been faked, like with the moon landings.

Is that really too much to ask?