We are hurtling to new frontiers of tolerance and understanding that not even the most fevered imagination has ever conceived.
Or, you can pretend that everyone who disagrees with you is just being ironic.
When someone buys vanilla ice cream, he's basically right there with John Wilkes Booth, helping him steady his aim at Abraham Lincoln's head.
Cheering on a politician is like standing up in a hospital waiting room and yelling, "Yay! Colonoscopy!"
Obama had a better year than you might think. After all, he didn't burn the White House down.
Frank J. Fleming's new book on how you can achieve awesomeness simply by punching your inner hippie.
Maybe just slowing down the damage a bit until 2016, when some actual change is possible, is the best we can hope for.
If we ever had an Independence Day-type scenario, this is not a president who would personally fly an F-15 against the alien mothership
We should get rid of the word and simply replace it with "some guy."
Elect Democrats, or witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational health care legislation!
And if you give me a minute, I'll come up with a reason.
Where did we get this idea that we need to save the environment? Has the environment ever tried to save us?
Based on their personal lives and work performance, I've always just assumed there are three or four serial killers in Congress. Related: Obligatory 'Filner Is Resigning' Post
Maybe it's time to acknowledge that we're all too stupid to talk on the subject of race.
What happens if government gets so smart, it becomes self-aware — like Skynet?
How did we think they'd react when we threatened to tear down all they know over some concept they've never even heard of — math?
Everyone knows that white males own guns to compensate for a lack of manhood.
Let's finally open our arms really wide and embrace our massive debt, swiping the big government credit card to pay all our bills.
Marriage is, at bottom, a religious custom -- a place where government's writ must not run.
The consequences of being saddled with a non-progressive, dumb chief executive are too horrible to imagine.
Playing half the government against the other half is the only thing keeping its power in check.
Gun control advocates won't know the difference if we pass laws banning a bunch of made-up things that sound scary. More: Biden on Gun Proposal: ‘I’m Shooting for Tuesday’
Math is remorseless, and it will eventually balance its numbers, not caring who is hurt in the process. More: Fiscal Cliff, the 11th Hour: GOP Says Dems Can Amend House Bills If They Like
Republicans need to stop nominating right-wing extremists like John McCain and Mitt Romney.