An ObamaSpeak Translator: The Presidential Address on Afghanistan

Good evening. Nearly 10 years ago, America suffered the worst attack on our shores since Pearl Harbor. Translation: Hey senior citizens! I remember Pearl Harbor.

This mass murder was planned by Osama bin Laden and his al-Qaeda network in Afghanistan, and signaled a new threat to our security -- one in which the targets were no longer soldiers on a battlefield, but innocent men, women and children going about their daily lives. Translation: I threw that b**** in the ocean.

In the days that followed, our nation was united as we struck at al-Qaeda and routed the Taliban in Afghanistan. Then, our focus shifted. A second war was launched in Iraq, and we spent enormous blood and treasure to support a new government there. Translation: Bush Bad! Boooooosh!

By the time I took office, the war in Afghanistan had entered its seventh year. Translation: This is not my war. I inherited it along with this lousy economy, Guantanamo Bay, rendition, the war on terror, global warming, the Mets roster, etc.

But al-Qaeda's leaders had escaped into Pakistan and were plotting new attacks, while the Taliban had regrouped and gone on the offensive. Translation: This is what John Kerry says happened. John. Kerry.

Without a new strategy and decisive action, our military commanders warned that we could face a resurgent al-Qaeda, and a Taliban taking over large parts of Afghanistan. For this reason, in one of the most difficult decisions that I've made as president, I ordered an additional 30,000 American troops into Afghanistan. When I announced this surge at West Point, we set clear objectives: to refocus on al-Qaeda; reverse the Taliban's momentum; and train Afghan Security Forces to defend their own country. I also made it clear that our commitment would not be open-ended, and that we would begin to drawdown our forces this July. Translation: I’m not so comfortable with the word “victory.” I wish it was like those Little Leagues where they turn off the scoreboard.

Tonight, I can tell you that we are fulfilling that commitment. Translation: Obama 2012: Anti-war Again.

Thanks to our men and women in uniform, our civilian personnel, and our many coalition partners, we are meeting our goals. Translation: Let's not define "goals."

As a result, starting next month, we will be able to remove 10,000 of our troops from Afghanistan by the end of this year, and we will bring home a total of 33,000 troops by next summer, fully recovering the surge I announced at West Point. After this initial reduction, our troops will continue coming home at a steady pace as Afghan Security forces move into the lead. Our mission will change from combat to support. By 2014, this process of transition will be complete, and the Afghan people will be responsible for their own security. Translation: Barring unforeseen circumstances, like the continued passage of time.

We are starting this drawdown from a position of strength. Al-Qaeda is under more pressure than at any time since 9/11. Translation: I threw that b**** in the ocean.

Together with the Pakistanis, we have taken out more than half of al-Qaeda's leadership. Translation: Don’t say “drone.” Base doesn’t like “drone.”

And thanks to our intelligence professionals and Special Forces, we killed Osama bin Laden, the only leader that al Qaeda had ever known. Translation: And thanks to (inaudible), we killed bin Laden.

This was a victory for all who have served since 9/11. One soldier summed it up well. "The message," he said, "is we don't forget. You will be held accountable, no matter how long it takes." Translation: Possibly in a civilian court. There will be motions.

The information that we recovered from bin Laden's compound shows al-Qaeda under enormous strain. Translation: The discovered pornography had caused al-Qaeda to suffer ridiculous bulges.

Bin Laden expressed concern that al-Qaeda has been unable to effectively replace senior terrorists that have been killed, and that al-Qaeda has failed in its effort to portray America as a nation at war with Islam -- thereby draining more widespread support. Translation: Does anyone in the Middle East remember my speech in Cairo? You guys should download that.

Al-Qaeda remains dangerous, and we must be vigilant against attacks. Translation: Homeland Security has had some “setbacks.”

But we have put al-Qaeda on a path to defeat, and we will not relent until the job is done. Translation: Oops. Shouldn’t say “job.”

In Afghanistan, we've inflicted serious losses on the Taliban and taken a number of its strongholds. Along with our surge, our allies also increased their commitments, which helped stabilize more of the country. Translation: Don’t listen to Bob Gates, my former Defense Secretary.

Afghan Security Forces have grown by over 100,000 troops, and in some provinces and municipalities we have already begun to transition responsibility for security to the Afghan people. Translation: We paid them.

In the face of violence and intimidation, Afghans are fighting and dying for their country, establishing local police forces, opening markets and schools, creating new opportunities for women and girls, and trying to turn the page on decades of war. Translation: Obama 2012: Feminist Again.

Of course, huge challenges remain. This is the beginning -- but not the end -- of our effort to wind down this war. Translation: It is what it is.

We will have to do the hard work of keeping the gains that we have made, while we drawdown our forces and transition responsibility for security to the Afghan government. Translation: State Department gobbledy-gook.

And next May, in Chicago, we will host a summit with our NATO allies and partners to shape the next phase of this transition. Translation: Greetings to Mayor Rahm Emanuel.

We do know that peace cannot come to a land that has known so much war without a political settlement. So as we strengthen the Afghan government and Security Forces, America will join initiatives that reconcile the Afghan people, including the Taliban. Translation: I’m not comfortable with the word “victory.”

Our position on these talks is clear: they must be led by the Afghan government, and those who want to be a part of a peaceful Afghanistan must break from al-Qaeda, abandon violence, and abide by the Afghan Constitution. Translation: Just like the Israeli-Palestinian “peace process.”

But, in part because of our military effort, we have reason to believe that progress can be made. Translation: These reasons have been redacted for security… reasons.

The goal that we seek is achievable, and can be expressed simply: no safe-haven from which al-Qaeda or its affiliates can launch attacks against our homeland, or our allies. Translation: Goals are achievable if they can be expressed simply.

We will not try to make Afghanistan a perfect place. Translation: I cannot be held to any objective standard.

We will not police its streets or patrol its mountains indefinitely. That is the responsibility of the Afghan government, which must step up its ability to protect its people; and move from an economy shaped by war to one that can sustain a lasting peace. What we can do, and will do, is build a partnership with the Afghan people that endures -- one that ensures that we will be able to continue targeting terrorists and supporting a sovereign Afghan government. Translation: State Department blather.

Of course, our efforts must also address terrorist safe-havens in Pakistan. No country is more endangered by the presence of violent extremists, which is why we will continue to press Pakistan to expand its participation in securing a more peaceful future for this war-torn region. We will work with the Pakistani government to root out the cancer of violent extremism, and we will insist that it keep its commitments. Translation: We’ve lost Pakistan. I've begun chats with India.