An Interview with Dr. Manfred Aufgeblasener-Schwätzer, Climate Scientist

Our guest today is Dr. Manfred Aufgeblasener-Schwätzer, director of the Nationales Klima Zentrum (National Climate Center) in Hamburg, Germany. A world-famous climatologist, he is a staunch believer in anthropogenic global warming and has worked closely with the Hadley Climate Research Unit and the Goddard Institute for Space Studies.

PJM: Manfred Aufgeblasener-Schwätzer, welcome to Pajamas Media. Thank you for agreeing to this interview.

M.A-S: I am honored.

PJM: You are aware, of course, of the scandal unfolding at the Hadley CRU and elsewhere, popularly referred to as Climategate. What do you make of this?

M.A-S: It is all nonsense, obviously, a minor -- how do you say it in English? -- a minor blip. The science is settled. The world is warming even as we speak, moment by moment. Averaged over a decade, the result is alarming. Over a century, it is catastrophic. The prospect of planetary heat-death makes one shudder and gives one nightmares. I have developed a great sensitivity over the years of my work at the Zentrum to the slightest variations in temperature. I see it not only in my computer models and mathematical graphs but can actually feel it on the back of my neck and at times over my entire body, as if I am trapped in a Swedish sauna.

PJM: But surely the leaked emails and files indicating collusion among the various scientists involved, the suppression or distortion of critical data, the pressure levied against scientific journals to exclude the work of “climate skeptics,” the pre-selection of weather stations to inflate temperature records, the misuse of tree ring data, the sloppy note taking, the loss or deletion of vast amounts of archival material, the absorption of un-refereed articles, and so on, must signify that a massive scam has been perpetrated on an unsuspecting public.

M.A-S: Not at all. Not at all. You cannot believe what you read in the blogosphere. It is all lies, I tell you, lies. And people are so naive and sometimes even disrespectful of the world’s great scientists. Was not Galileo threatened for his discoveries and forced to recant? Is not my friend, the esteemed Dr. Phil Jones at Hadley, being cruelly attacked even as we speak for his major insights and crucial breakthroughs? The world is growing hotter by the moment and if we do not act very soon, then before we know it there shall be no more icebergs, the islands of the Pacific will sink like rusty submarines, Greenland will become a desert, lobsters will cook in the oceans, volcanoes will boil over, the Arctic will become a spa, Holland will vanish -- it is too horrible to contemplate. I have seen reports this very morning that the permafrost is dissolving and the frozen peat bogs are turning to sponge beneath the feet of Canada’s Inuit and Finland’s Laplander populations. My collaborator Dr. James Hansen of NASA foretells that New York City will be under fifty feet of water in just two or three generations, and he is an acclaimed expert. We would be foolish to challenge his word.

PJM: But Dr. Aufgeblasener-Schwätzer, we now have reputable and undoubted evidence that there has been no global warming for more than a decade, and indeed the mean average temperature has actually declined by .07 degrees.

M.A-S.: Lies, I tell you. You cannot trust contradictory evidence. Whatever goes against the current consensus is plainly a mischievous effort to undermine the credibility of our selfless scientists. In truth, what we are seeing is a conspiracy generated by anti-scientific frauds who refuse to accept what we are telling them and who will do anything to discredit genuine scientific analysis and malign the integrity of our dedicated researchers.

PJM: But what would these so-called skeptics have to gain by their resistance?

M.A-S: That is another issue. I do not have the facts, but I suspect it is world domination and the exploitation of the poor, the secret agenda of Western capitalism, whose sinister purpose these frauds and skeptics willingly serve.

PJM: Well, be that as it may, what is your informed opinion regarding the Medieval Warming Period? New studies appear to suggest it was warmer then, or at least as warm as it is today, which would seriously compromise official assessments that we are living in unprecedented times.

M.A-S: That is complete nonsense. After all, we were not there, so how can we really know? We have no sworn affidavits from the period; therefore speculation is, as we say, unwarranted. But I must be fair. There is indeed one document dating from the time, attributed to Frater Wolfgang the Amanuensis from the Cistercian monastery at Maulbronn, who claimed that the days were “as hot as hell” and that the Fiend would shortly make his parousia, his demonic advent. But this is clearly the fantasy of a crazy scriptorium dweller.