ACORN Stings: The Untold Story

Like most people, I heard during the 2008 campaign that Obama was a community organizer and, again like most people, had no idea what that job was even after Obama was elected. I mean, most of us lived in communities, but we don't recall paying anyone to organize them.

But thanks to the undercover video of ACORN made by James O’Keefe and Hannah Giles, we finally know what a community organizer is: someone who helps pimps and prostitutes avoid tax problems when purchasing property. Apparently Obama was a pretty good community organizer, because I don't recall hearing any pimps or prostitutes complain about him.

It was quite surprising to see how O'Keefe and Giles -- dressed in ridiculous outfits that shouldn't have fooled anyone and having such over-the-top horrible intentions like underage prostitution -- were able to get so much friendly help from so many different ACORN offices. But after that success they kept trying again with even more ridiculous costumes and evil intentions to see if there was anything that ACORN would not approve.

Here are their results:

The Sting: O'Keefe and Giles, along with a Pekingese and a Chihuahua dressed up as pit bulls, approached an ACORN office for advice on getting a place large enough to house a dogfighting ring. They also asked if the community would be likely to call the cops on them if they started stealing puppies from children.

The Result: The staffer seemed unfazed and only asked if they'd be willing to pass out literature on Democratic candidates during their exhibitions.

The Sting: O'Keefe and Giles dressed up as hardened drug dealers and contacted an ACORN office for help finding a place to set up a meth lab. They also specified that they wanted it to be near an elementary school so they wouldn't have to travel far for sales.

The Result: They were turned away, and the ACORN employee told them ACORN had already helped set up numerous meth labs near the elementary schools and the community just couldn't support any more competition in that area.

The Sting: O'Keefe and Giles dressed up as Charles Manson and Squeaky Fromme and asked for help finding a place where they wouldn't have to worry about anyone hearing screams from the basement.

The Result: They were advised to not list their occupation as "psychotic killers intent on causing apocalyptic race war" and instead use "performance artists."

The Sting: O'Keefe and Giles dressed up as the Joker and Catwoman and inquired at an ACORN office about help purchasing a base of operations from which they could plot to kill Batman.

The Result: The staffer was very happy to help stop a vigilante from beating up criminals, since most of their federal funds are designated for criminals.

The Sting: O'Keefe and Giles dressed up as Cobra Commander and the Baroness and pretended to want help with their paramilitary organization intent on conquering the world.

The Result: They were turned away after being told that ACORN was not currently helping violent radicals intent on overthrowing the government and to try again when a Republican is president.

The Sting: O'Keefe and Giles dressed up as Darth Vader and an Imperial Guard and approached an ACORN office for help hunting down Jedi and promoting the authority of the Empire throughout the galaxy.

The Result: At first, the ACORN staffer was unsure about supporting an evil galactic empire but changed her mind when she was assured the empire would support universal health care. She then shared a story of how she once killed a Jedi.

NOTE: Police looked into the claim and found that the staffer had never in fact killed a Jedi. The staffer later said she was intimidated by O'Keefe's supposed control of the Dark Side of the Force and thus made up the story.

The Sting: O'Keefe and Giles dressed up as space aliens and asked ACORN for help getting the public's obedience in exchange for advanced alien technology. They sheepishly admitted that the book they brought with them, To Serve Man, is actually a cookbook and that they ultimately planned to use humanity as a food source.

The Result: The staffer told them that ACORN is very experienced at getting people to accept something that seems beneficial but is ultimately harmful to the nation in the long run, pointing to their success in registering people to vote for Obama.

President Obama was asked whether he was concerned that, through ACORN, federal funds could go towards the enslavement and consumption of humanity, but he said that was "not the biggest issue facing the country." Certainly not when there are still tonsil-craving doctors out there.