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A Secret Santa List for Politicos

In order to prove that I'm not entirely heartless, allow me to gift wrap one full set of Point Blank Body Armor for GOP Senator Richard Shelby. Sir, you led a brave but futile battle to stop your colleagues from flushing trillions of dollars in tax money into a series of ill advised bailouts. When you are eventually proven correct, your embarrassed co-workers will be unable to countenance any smug "I told you so" looks and shall likely come gunning for you. Here's wishing you a particularly safe New Year.

For our president-elect, I would like to tie a colorful bow on a set of asbestos coated, flame retardant long johns from Midwest Workwear. None of your detractors from the election are warming to your charms and some of your appointments and early decisions (happy holidays to Rick Warren, by the way!) have already begun to anger them what brung you to the dance. Looking at the partisan bloodbath which continues to rage, rising unemployment, a nose-diving economy and international unrest, I imagine you're already wondering why you wanted this job in the first place. My gift won't make you any more popular, but it should at least provide some measure of comfort when you face the firestorms sure to come your way from all quarters. I shall hoist a mug of Irish Cream in your honor on Christmas Eve and say a prayer for our country's fortunes in the year ahead.

And since no column by this writer would be complete without something to enrage the populace, for Alaska Governor Sarah Palin I am forwarding a lifetime subscription to Guns and Ammo, along with a discount card for Able Ammunition. If you think that some of us won't be coming back gunning for you in 2012, madam, you are sadly mistaken. But in the spirit of the holidays, I wish to ensure that it's a fair fight.

Last but far from least, for all the readers of Pajamas Media, I send my wishes for a Merry Christmas and a happy, safe, and prosperous New Year for you and your loved ones.

Upon request, I shall also forward an autographed photo suitable for mounting on dart boards. I look forward to seeing you all back here next year.