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A Modest Proposal: the Inverse-Burqa Law

When I say "too much," I am speaking from the strictly aesthetic, not the moral, point of view. In every British town and city, fat and lumpen British girls, as often as not tattooed, who represent a constant diet of fast food, soft drinks, and too much beer made pale flesh, come out into the streets on Friday and Saturday scantily clad, to scream and shout like the vulgar drunken slatterns they mostly are. Here, if anywhere, is the place for the niqab and the burqa.

These garments would have several advantages. First, of course, is that they would add (admittedly by subtracting from ugliness) to the aesthetics of our streets. They would also make it more difficult for the women inside them to drink too much, thus serving a public health function; and they would muffle the sound of their loud moronic expostulations, surely an end to be cherished by anyone who values intelligence and culture.

What I would suggest, therefore, is that each town and city set up a committee, along the lines of the Committee of Public Safety in the French Revolution, to determine which young women should be obliged to wear the niqab and the burqa to prevent offenses against public good taste. A first offense would mean the niqab for a determinate period of time; a second, such as exposing a tattoo to public view (two strikes and you’re out), would mean a life sentence of the burqa in public.

My proposal would also calm the fears of Muslims that they were being picked on to the exclusion of others who, after all, merit public control over what they wear no less than they. And this even-handedness is very important in a multicultural society such as ours.