A Modest Proposal for the Reestablishment of the Prussian State

It is melancholy to contemplate the homeless condition of the Prussians, an ingenious people whose remarkable antics in prior ages did so much to enliven the politics of Europe. Indeed, now that world opinion has grasped the necessity of returning the descendants of the Arabs of Palestine to their ancestral residences, it must certainly be the hour for a similar service to be rendered on behalf of those belonging to the tribe of the great Frederick.

For while it has been some time since that glorious state known as Prussia graced the map of our fair continent, still the lands of the Prussians were theirs and theirs alone, until that fateful day not yet seven decades past, when the awful Poles, seeking to reestablish a country for which the world had no apparent need, rudely cast them out.

Thus exiled, at barely the same moment as their Arabesque counterparts, the poor Prussians have ever since been forced to endure life stateless, wandering amongst such diverse foreign peoples as Saxons, Westphalians, Rhinelanders, Bavarians, and, even in some cases, Americans, people with whom they have nothing whatsoever in common, and whose company they must certainly find nearly beyond endurance as they continue to pine away, yearning in eternal agony for their lost homeland.

Oh, the pity of it all! Does not Justice herself cry out in anguish, denouncing the continuance of such hideous circumstance? Surely all men of reason and good will must give their whole-hearted assent to the proposition calling for the rightful return of the Prussians and their reestablishment upon their native land in their natural state. But how can such a noble and necessary project be accomplished?

Here is my plan. Let the nations of the world send out their constables to seek out and gather up the Prussians, their sons and daughters, grandsons and granddaughters, wherever they may be, so that they may be returned to their true country. To this, the Poles may object, but no matter, as land can certainly be found bordering upon the area of Polish occupation, upon which camps of many tents may be erected, capable of housing the Prussians in all their myriads, until the day of their deliverance arrives.

It may be that some few of the Prussians themselves might find relocation to such accommodations objectionable, but this need not concern us, as our interest must perforce be to provide for the Prussians that which our more elevated point of view allows us to discern as comprising their proper and higher needs, rather than the simple comforts that they, with their more limited viewpoint, merely want.

Such refugee camps having been established and made suitably miserable, scribblers from the principle rags of all the major capitals could be invited to attend upon the scene, and by bearing witness, shock the conscience of the world as to the cruelty of the evil Poles, whose wanton theft did so mercilessly deprive the pitiful Prussians of their homes, their lands, and all hope for a life worth living.

Should these tales of woe prove insufficient, greater horror could be created as required, for example by distributing Lugers, potato mashers, Schmeissers, panzerfausts, flammenwerfers, and other traditional Prussian paraphernalia to their little boys, so as to excite them to engage in futile attacks upon the Polish soldiery. The babes, thus remade into bloody or burnt mangles, could then be readily displayed with artistry sufficient to move even the most heartless of politicians to demand redress.

This done, a conference could be called of all the principle powers of the planet to agree upon new boundaries for the two states, Prussia and Poland, so as to enable them to live together amicably in accord with the principles of eternal Justice, in precisely the same wise manner as is now contemplated for Israel and Palestine. As a starting point for such apportionment, the borderline should first be chosen to be that which pertained in 1942, before the rude Polish annexations made during a particular moment of Prussian disadvantage distorted the previously established arrangements. These boundaries, however, could then be adjusted by such further trading of territories as might be mutually agreed between all the parties in attendance.

In this way, the Prussians might be restored to their land, their state restored to its ancient grandeur, and Europe restored to peace, just as it was in that golden age before the fanatic Poles saw fit to wreak havoc and misery upon all the world.