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A Modest Proposal for Dealing with the Traitors Who Imperil Our Planet

Yet the situation is not beyond hope. For I have divined a method that will strip the traitors of their disguises, make it impossible for any dissimulation to avail them in the slightest degree, so that in the face of the need for action, none will be able to continue to drag their feet in safety.

What is my method? It is simply this. That rather than measure loyalty by votes cast on bills or acts that are so interminable in their verbiage that no one can determine what they contain in any case, that the politicians and their henchmen be judged and sentenced based upon the climatic results they actually achieve. Those who meet their temperature quotas should be spared. Those who do not should be considered traitors, and dealt with accordingly.

Such a system need not be excessively rigid. For example, we would not (at least at first) set the same temperature standards for all regions. Rather, each state would be given a target temperature reasonably selected as well-suited for its location. For Florida, we might choose an average midsummer temperature of 85 degrees F, for Maine, 70 F, with finer-tuned temperature goals assigned to each county as well.  Measurements could then be taken by well-trained and duly-authorized climate police located in stations within each district of every state.

Depending upon results achieved and scientifically measured, state and local officials could be rewarded or punished, with those incorrigibles who repeatedly deviate from the required performance by more than an acceptable margin being subject to the ultimate penalty. With many traitors thus weeded out, the executed officials could be replaced with many more loyal to the cause, while those others kept in their stations would be strongly encouraged to maintain or improve their performance. Then, with more appropriate leadership in position, increment by increment the weather standards could be minutely improved, until the world is cooled to exactly the degree desired.

The advantages of this system should be apparent; but to review, one must merely point out that it promises to be perfectly precise in its climatic outcome, impossible to deceive, and utterly fair in its method. Indeed, no lawyers need clutter the proposed climate courts, whose swift justice will be meted out in accord only with the objective and completely scientific determinations of the climate police.

In the face of the widespread treason exposed by Professor von Krugman, no lesser solution is adequate. I therefore humbly submit my plan to you, dear public, for your kind consideration, and I sincerely hope, rapid implementation, asking no recompense or remuneration for myself in return beyond that due naturally to a person largely responsible for the world's salvation. There may be those among you who advise against the scheme's adoption, but it should be evident that this can only be for the reason that they are traitors to the planet.