A Modest Proposal for Dealing with the Traitors Who Imperil Our Planet

It is melancholy to contemplate how the once loyal citizenry of our nation has become so infested by traitors. Indeed, I myself had not realized the extent of the corruption until this Monday last, the 29th of June, when the alarum bell was rung for all to hear by a source so impeccable, brilliant, perceptive, omniscient, and otherwise singular in merit as to eliminate all possibility of disputation.

This of course, was the column appearing that day in the Times of New York, penned under the byline of none other than His Excellency Herr Professor Paul von Krugman, Nobel laureate and intellect extraordinaire, in which he identified those who fail to support the cap and trade bill as traitors to the planet.

I must admit, as a mere scribe, I lack the wit to prove this case myself, but Professor von Krugman's understanding transcends that of more ordinary humans, and so he must be right. It surely matters not that the matter under examination -- the technique of weather control -- is outside the area of study in which the professor has been accorded his prize. For if the world listens in awe to the pronouncements of beauty pageant victors upon philosophy, the affairs of nations, and other matters of general import, then why should Professor von Krugman not be granted equal credit for infallibility in all that he chooses to discourse upon? Certainly, given his celebrity otherwise, his indifferent performance in the swimsuit competition should not be held against him in this regard.

No, if Professor von Krugman concludes they are traitors, then traitors they must be, and not merely traitors to the crown, as were their predecessors in criminality, but traitors to the planet itself. Of course, the good professor is far too polite to specify the traitors' portion, but the proper punishment is apparent. Death must be their sentence; for treason brooks no other. The gentle professor may be too kind to pronounce the verdict, but Justice herself cries out to us to do our duty. Without question or delay, the traitors must die.

But alas, are such measures truly sufficient to deal with the emergency? For certain we can and should quickly bring to the scaffold the 200-odd congressmen who openly betrayed the Earth by voting against the climate bill, but what of their hidden cohorts of planetary traitors spread throughout government at every level -- state, county, village, and shire? How many acts of treason do these perform each and every day as they fail take action to save our planet from imminent, total, and utter destruction?

Treason by omission is equally heinous as treason by commission -- perhaps worse, as it works its evil silently, cloaked from detection by a mask of apparent agreement with correct opinion. And it is these crypto-traitors surrounding us who threaten through their mendacious and perfidious inaction to sabotage all the efforts of our true leaders to coordinate the spirits of the good and loyal folk to submit to the sacrifice necessary for the salvation of the globe.