A Horribly, Horribly Fairer Tax Proposal

As you can see, this tax system will instantly balance the budget, as it's the only one that ensures that everything is paid for... unless some people can't pay the yearly Being American fee. But don’t worry about those people -- they'll get free health care and tons of other government entitlements... just not here.

There are a bunch of countries in Europe that have apparently figured out how to supply everyone with free health care and all sorts of other government support. We don't really know how they do it; it's pretty amazing. We're struggling under the entitlements we have, but they somehow have tons more, because they're like smarter than us and stuff. I'm sure those countries will be happy to take in all the people who can't quite afford America, because everyone in Europe is supposed to be really nice.

I don't want anyone who can’t afford America to feel bad. Just think of it this way: If you can't afford Disney World, you go to Six Flags. Six Flags is lots of fun; everyone likes it. And Europe is supposed to be pretty cool; they have football there, too (though the way they play it is pretty wacky). Plus, some of you may end up in Canada, which looks a lot like America if you just squint a little.

Now, there will obviously be a bit of a demographics shift in America, as the only people left will be those who can afford the high cost of American government. There probably won't be any unemployed people left here, so the problem of high unemployment will be gone. Also, because of the demographics shift, those who were the wealthiest 1% who own everything will now be a much larger portion of the population, so economic disparity will also be solved. So lots of problems will be solved; it will just take the application of more fairness than we are usually willing to use.

Sure, I'll miss all the citizens who no longer live in the new, fair America (or maybe I'll be missing America; I have to check the math on this and my budget), but this isn't about who misses whom, this is about fairness. We'd certainly, though, love for America to be cheaper so more people can afford to live here, but then we'd have to cut lots of government programs and entitlements to reduce costs. We've tried doing that, but everyone seems pretty certain that we really need to keep all the entitlements we have now. Thus America's government costs a lot of money, and getting everyone to actually pay for it all is just fair. Horribly, horribly fair.