The PJ Tatler

'Toaster Pastry Gun Freedom Act' — An Idea Whose Time Has Come

We’ve all followed the exploits of educators across the country who have become hysterical when children said or did anything that could be connected to guns — even if by making the connection, the teachers twisted themselves into pretzels of illogic.

The latest incident from Maryland involved a hungry young boy, a Pop Tart, and an insane teacher:

Joshua Welch – a boy, wouldn’t you know; no good can come of these turbulent creatures – who is 7, was suspended from second grade in Maryland’s Anne Arundel County earlier this month because of his “Pop-Tart pistol.” While eating a rectangular fruit-filled sugary something, Joshua tried biting it into the shape of a mountain, but decided it looked more like a gun. So with gender-specific perversity he did the natural thing. He said, “Bang, bang.”

Joshua’s school suspended him and sent a letter to all the pupils’ parents, urging them to discuss the “incident” – which the school includes in the category “classroom disruptions” – with their children “in a manner you deem most appropriate.”

In response to this idiocy, a Maryland legislator has introduced a bill he is calling the “Toaster Pastry Gun Freedom Act” where he turns the tables on educators who make it a crime against humanity to even display a picture of a gun:

Senate Bill 1058 restricts the disciplinary options Maryland public school officials can use for any student who “brings to school or possesses” an image of a gun or an object that might look like a gun but isn’t one.

Students could also form their fingers in the shape of a gun without fear of reprisal.

The bill also includes a section mandating counseling for school officials who fail to distinguish between guns and things that resemble guns. School officials who fail to make such a distinction more than once would face discipline themselves.

The unions will oppose it because…well, because they didn’t think of it. And they don’t cotton to outsiders ordering their members to undergo counseling unless it’s negotiated in collective bargaining.

But how delicious would it be to see an hysterical teacher who loses control over a picture of a gun being forced to go to counseling to deal with their fears?

By the way, don’t look now, but doesn’t that sandwich look a little like an M-1 Tank?