The MSM Reports: Candidates of Death!
Anchor: Good evening, this is MSM News. The presidential candidate who murdered Joe Soptic's wife has chosen for his running mate a man who pushes old ladies in wheelchairs off cliffs. It's a ticket that some political observers say resembles an episode of Dexter with two murderous psychopaths chasing each other around the room. Observers across the political spectrum from far left to left have condemned Mitt Romney's choice of the budget-cutting Paul Ryan as a harrowing, blood-soaked event that will leave the bodies of women and the elderly strewn across the political landscape. To discuss this issue, we've assembled a team of our most objective journalists. We'll begin with Candy Crowley from CNN. Candy, you met a Republican once, how is the GOP feeling about this selection?
Crowley: A lot of Republicans feel this could be some sort of political ticket death wish. I mean, we've already had this whole debate about trying to bring down the debt by cutting government spending and I believe we've reached a consensus that we'd prefer to do nothing while uselessly taxing the rich out of envy and bitterness. The American people have spoken and I just think it's insane for Republicans to bring up the subject of the economy when the economy is so bad.
Anchor: Jonathan Alter is the former senior editor of Newsweek, an NBC political analyst and the trustee in charge of tinfoil for the audio-visual department at St. Mary's Post-Modern Home for the Narratively Insistent. What do you think, Jonathan?
Alter: This just confirms my contention that a vote for Mitt Romney is a vote for death. This is not an exaggeration or some sort of insane blithering from a man who's lost all sense of the moral and ethical obligations of the profession of journalism. This is simple fact. If Romney is elected, people will die. People who vote for Romney will die. They may die even in the act of voting. I wouldn't be surprised to see people keeling over the moment they pull the lever. It's going to be a bloodbath.
Anchor: A recent CBS poll of Obama supporters shows that Obama's support skyrocketed after the Ryan pick. As you can see on the graphic, almost 90 percent of deceased Chicago residents without driver's licenses say they like the president an awful, awful lot and are frightened by a Romney-Ryan ticket that seems to them like a remake of the shower scene in Psycho. The poll had a margin of error of 3 percent, but those are still pretty startling numbers. Gloria Borger of CNN, you've talked to a lot of Democrats about what Republicans think — what was in Mitt Romney's mind with this death-dealing death wish?
Borger: Well, the interesting thing to me is how polarizing a figure Ryan is. Many, many Democrats who know the Republicans well say the Republican Party will be torn apart by how polarizing this polarizing figure is. After Polish hero Lech Walesa's endorsement of Romney, there was some hope the GOP might garner votes among Poles but now even the Poles are polarized because of how polarizing a figure this polarizing Ryan is.
Alter: Not to mention the whole death angle. I mean, look, Ryan can try to explain away the attack ad in which an actor played him killing an old woman in a wheelchair, but I think the fact that he giggled wildly when he did it is going to stick in voters' minds.
Anchor: Actually, I think that was Richard Widmark in Kiss of Death.
Alter: Right, but that just brings us back to the whole "death" narrative again. It's like a leitmotif running through this entire candidacy.
Anchor: I see your point. CBS's Bob Schieffer, you used to pretend to be a journalist, what do you think?
Schieffer: Well, it's clear that Ryan's plan to add 1.3 trillion dollars to the federal budget over the next ten years represents a cut of 5 trillion dollars to the federal budget over the next ten years.
Bianna Golodryga, ABC: That's right, Bob. And many Democrats contend that Ryan's plan to make Medicare and Social Security economically viable will destroy two programs that would be perfectly able to destroy themselves if we just left them alone.
Anchor: Well, there you have it. A range of views from across the mainstream media. It seems clear that the Paul Ryan pick is a polarizing death-wish of polarized death-dealing death.
This is MSM News.