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The Bain/Bane Video I Never Made

Citizen:  I don’t want an electric car eith...

[The car bursts into flames.]

Citizen: Aaaaah!  Now I’m on fire!

Obama: Well, here’s a light bulb.

[A spiral light bulb explodes pouring poison gas over the citizen.]

Citizen:  [gags, burned, smoking] This is the worst investment ever!

[Obama grins and strikes a heroic pose with an angel chord.]

AK: But don’t worry! When Obama’s investments fail and he loses the money he took, there’s no problem. He just takes more money.

IRS Agents: [chasing a naked citizen] Pay your fair share of our crappy investments!

Naked Citizen: I don’t have any more money! Leave me alone! Help!

AK: In order for Bain to survive, however, his investments have to earn money by giving people what they actually want instead of what they’re supposed to want.

Various Citizens: Ooh, look. Staples! Pizza! Gizmos! A rock with a face! What do you want that for? I don’t know — I just want it.

AK: When Bain’s investments succeed they create new businesses, new jobs, and new wealth...

[Stores, businesses — an entire city — grow up behind Bain and his people.]

Bain: [happily]  Baaaane!

AK: New wealth that Barack Obama can then... y’know, take.

IRS Agents: [Marauding through the city, setting fires, bringing buildings down.] Pay your fair share of our solar panels!

Fleeing Citizens: We don’t want your stinking panels!

AK: So there’s our story. Obama versus Bain.  Two men enter the Investment Thunder Dome, but only one depends on free choices by free individuals...  or what’s sometimes called the American Way.

[Obama strikes a heroic pose over a burning, demolished city.  An American flag and fireworks go up behind the thriving city of Bain.]

 Bain:  Baaane.

 AK:  Wow...  that was actually kind of a surprise ending.

I’m City Journal contributing editor Andrew Klavan for the Manhattan Institute.