The Secret Life of Willard Mitty
Vilard peered over the ramparts. Outside in the distance a wildcat did growl. Two riders were approaching — the wind began to howl. Through the billowing sandstorm he could see hundreds, no thousands of scimitar-wielding Saracens encircling the fort. “Surrender, infidels,” their leader cried. “The time of the Caliphate is at hand!”
Vilard Mitté stood up on the highest turret and challenged the hordes. “I spit on your moon-god! You are not martyrs — you are women! The juggernaut of classical liberalism will crush you like cockroaches!”
Enraged, the Saracens and savage nomads rose and charged the fort in a single mass of flesh. The French troops behind the walls wailed and scattered. The Commandant bellowed, “You fool! What have you done? You went out of your way to anger them; now we must appease or die!”
“Bwa-ha-ha!” laughed Mitté. “You do not yet comprehend. This is all part of my plan — to lure them into a premature attack. To the Gatling guns!” ——
“In the preparations for the foreign policy debate,” continued Mitty’s Strategy Coach, “should we emphasize your ability to cooperate with our allies, or your skill at avoiding conflict by accommodating demands from foes? Public opinion is now trending against having troops overseas.”
Willard Mitty looked at him aghast. His patented unending smile fading to a steely gaze. After a frozen half-minute, he spoke.
“There is no more Willard Mitty. From now on, call me Mitt.”
Sideways glances ricocheted around the astonished campaign bus. At first, a giggle, then a snicker, and then everyone broke out into uproarious laughter. “Good one, Mitty! Whew! You had us convinced for a second. Now onto these latest polls….”
[Apologies to James Thurber.]
Comment.
I always thought that story over-rated. Mitt’s the “real deal”:
“ROMNEY & RYAN FOR THE REPUBLIC”
Our nation senses TRIUMPH,
We once feared might never come,
To dispel the clouds of fraud and fear,
Spread like sewage by false MEDIA’s son.
The Pretender was truly their bastard child,
Conceived by the lies they’d spun.
Those with eyes to see and ears to hear,
Pierced the veil false MEDIA made.
As it hid the past and distorted the present,
Of its child who worshipped the shade,
Of the enemies of honor and truth,
And the evil plans they had laid.
Rejoice our souls! Sing out our hearts!
Our champions have appeared!
Their souls were nor sold for power or gold,
And their faith does not bow to fear—
But we now deeply bow in thanks,
That our pleas kind Heaven would hear.
Blessed with a wealth he made himself,
Romney can neither be bought nor bribed.
His running mate is a GENIUS,
And true ladies stand at their side,
Tempered by sorrows and service,
They will fight evil’s vicious tide.
With our Champions and Ladies we call to you,
Our friends and brothers in need.
Be not dismayed at the scope of our task,
Heed not the temptation of greed.
FOR WE SHALL SOON SEE a renewed Freedom Tree,
Though our wallets and spirits may bleed.
ROMNEY & RYAN WIN BIG IN…THREE WEEKS
Keep those contributions, prayers, and your support coming! Our guys don’t want your money to themselves–THEY WANT A RENEWED AMERICA.
Just wanted to let you know I love the style.
Would that he would be the man with the cutlass on his charger riding straight to the enemy. Clarity, brevity, directness. Hope to see that Monday.
Oh, this is supposed to be humor? Uh huh…not.
Seems to fit perfectly.
Nice Dylan reference there, Zombie. It fit in perfectly.
Here’s to a crushing defeat Monday that would make the first debate look like high school.
(Hey – I can have my own Walter Mitty dreams, can’t I?)
Well done! Thurber would be proud.
James Thurber would approve, Zombie. This is a completely worthy takeoff from his original. Bravo.
dafuq?
Brilliant!! Not sure if I agree with all the implications, but brilliantly executed nonetheless.
Well done, Zombie! I enjoy your photo essays so much that I always forget what a good writer you are.
It made me laugh; it made me cry. OK maybe not the second part, but I must admit that this middle of the road stuff is enough to make a good conservative cry.
. . . Zombie, I think I love you.
I guess this is what we get in lieu of drunk blogging the debate.
Reminds me of Dreaming of Babylon.
Ooookay.
I love you, but not this piece. I know, Mitt is all things to all people, flip-flops more than a freshly-landed trout, and so on and so forth. However, I’m working very hard on loving him, and this didn’t help.
On the other hand, as I always confess, I just don’t get satire, so the point of this may have sailed over my head with a mocking snicker.
The point of the piece is not to mock Romney nor to say he’s a flip-flipper but rather to imply that Romney probably is more of a conservative go-getter than he appears on the surface, yet his handlers and his inherent nonconfrontational-ness won’t allow his inner Tea Partier or his inner Reagan come out.
I realize this kind of goes against the new narrative which emerged after the first debate that Romney unsheathed his claws — but really, he only unsheathed his claws on the Romney scale of aggression; even when Romney cranks it up to Romney11, it only registers as, say, a 3 on the Allen West scale, or a 2 on the Churchill scale.
This is not so much a critique of Romney as it is a speculation about his inner self.
Zombie, good story, but I doubt that Romney is more politically conservative on the inside than he shows in public. Instead, I believe that he is a good man and an excellent manager with a good understanding of economics who can be persuaded to follow conservative policy if he comes to believe that the conservative policy is the best option. The problem is Romney probably lacks the Reagan at Reykjavik core conservatism to walk away from a bad compromise. No worse that W, but conservatives will have to lead him away from the temptation to use government to try to fix things. That said, I’m actively and enthusiastically supporting Romney to be our 45th President.
You could be underestimating “Willard Mitty”. He could just be more assertive than Reagan where foreign powers are concerned. I would readily concede that he seems more interested in fixing our economic morass at this juncture, and thank God for that. ABO2012
I got it. Well done, within word limit constraints of course!
I like it and generally do like satire, and yet I’m afraid these are your dreams and my dreams but not his dreams.
… “This is not so much a critique of Romney as it is a speculation about his inner self.”
And as such, right or wrong, it’s worthwhile, not to mention exhilarating
(I mean … whotthell was Thurber’s classic SUPPOSED to be?)
ah man, I almost didn’t read this. Now time for a grateful prayer, you lifted my heart! Thanks.
True Blue Republicans : Classical God-loving Liberalism is the American Way !!
While there is no doubt he’s a flip flopper methinks it is more a result of a pragmatic, thoroughly political nature, and not necessarily a representation of his actual core beliefs. Given the chance I think Romney could repair much of Obama’s damage, and maybe even help buffer America so it has a chance of actually making it to the end of this century.
It’s early yet, but I’m going to call this the best thing I will have read today. Superb!
I don’t have any idea how good he is going to be but I sure hope he is the start of a long turn around with many to follow because this mess we are in now isn’t going to be fixed in just one or two presidential terms.
I never thought I’d see the day when I’ve read election fanfiction.
BUT HERE IT IS.
Is Zombie a hot chick?
Outside in the distance a wildcat did growl. Two riders were approaching — the wind began to howl. – Jimi Hendrix
Plagiarism, I say!!!
That’s actually from Bob Dylan’s All Along the Watchtower, covered by Hendrix. Just so you know who’s plagiarizing whom.
I have hopes that Willard—someone I’ve admired all my life has that name—will embrace something that vaguely resembles conservative constitutionalism if he is elected. At worst I doubt he would be worse than Obama has been or McCain could have been. I think that he will do better than Bush, who sometimes seemed more big government, big spending than the Democrats.
St. David IV inherited a kingdom in turmoil and ruin. Muslim invaders had conquered some parts of the kingdom. They had demanded and received special privileges in the rest of the Kingdom of Georgia. David IV realized his country was on the brink of disappearing. He wasn’t particularly gifted, but he raised a small army of his countrymen who would be loyal and fight. They retook the land and revoked the special privileges. Far away, Sultan Muhammad bin Muhammad heard of this and summoned all his armies and declared a jihad against the small country of Georgia. St. David IV, King of Georgia, and his armies, though greatly outnumbered by the armies of the Sultan, won a decisive victory. That is why for the last 800 years the country of Georgia is not Muslim.
You never know with history. Sometimes mediocre leaders surprise everyone. I have some hope for Willard. If he does nothing for 4 years that would be an improvement over Obama.
… … “You never know with history.”
It turns on smaller things than the seemingly-overwhelming which our awestruck eyes perceive.
(I’ve been running the causeway lately, going to a client’s shop in Rockwall, wondering how in th’ hell any self-respecting sailboat can get between north and south Ray Hubbard. Impossible!)
I’m always confused by the flip-flop idea. If someone changes their mind and comes around to your (the collective your) way of thinking he’s open minded, far thinking, a visionary. If he changes his mind and goes against you (again the collective you)he’s a flip-flopper, liar and undependable.
Maybe one simply becomes more educated. Sees things differently, has experiences that give one a new perspective. Which changes their mind or shifts their priorities or enlightens them. Oh that the left were as tolerant as they think they are and the right were as understanding as they think they are.
His name may be Willard, but he’s not the rat.
Zombie, you obviously don’t know mormons, mitt would not have said “damn the democrats…”
He would have said “Dang the democrats” or “Darn the democrats”. Even while dreaming