News You Can Use

Still a better romance than the story you’re about to read.
(Shutterstock photo)

Um:

A group of men in south Florida have been trying as hard as they can to regenerate what was once taken from them — precisely “one-third of the erogenous tissue on the penile shaft” — by using various tugging devices (like something called the TLC Tugger) to stretch the penile skin the same way a gauge would stretch an earlobe. Except this sounds way worse.

We’ll pause here so that our more squeamish readers have a chance to click away.

Ready? Well then:

But regenerating an inch of skin is an almost superhuman feat. A foreskin can’t simply grow back like a lizard’s tail; it takes one to five years of grueling stretching and a slew of strange devices. It’s physically torturous and also isolating, because most men take on restoring without talking to loved ones or doctors. Many turn to online forums for guidance and support. And most quit before reaching their goal.

I try not to judge what people do with their sex lives, just so long as everybody is of the age of consent, and nobody is more inebriated than they mean to be.

But this… just… no.