A Long Post, But Size Does Count. So Read It Already
A Long Post, But Size Does Count. So Read It Already
Roll Out the Blogger, We’ll Have a Blogger of Fun
For his unusually well-reasoned posts, for his love of a good single malt (I’m an Oban guy myself), but mostly for his ability to work multiple Steely Dan song titles into a single sentence, Charles Austin’s Sine Qua Non Pundit is officially blogrolled.
Since I prefer my heavy news early, you’ll find Charles under Hair o’ the Dog.
NOTE: I know I promised no more singing headlines, but what the hell — it’s late.
The Czech Judge Didn’t Approve of Our Uniforms
SatireWire out-onions The Onion. The story kicks off with, “Despite making what most observers agreed were “obvious technical errors,” such as surrendering, the Taliban were awarded victory in the Afghanistan war last night after the French judge said they won on presentation.”
It gets funnier.
Just Don’t Drop the Soap
Once again, Dan’s super-fine ass shines through at Happy Fun Pundit. Just click and you’ll understand.
Drunken Teenage Sluts Part II
DailyPundit brought to my attention that the study I quoted earlier claiming that 25% of all booze in this country is consumed by teenagers, is woefully incorrect. The actual figure, according to the New York Times, is under 12%.
1) The initial figure was probably accurate from 1982-1989. VodkaPundit was born in 1969 — you do the math.
2) The initial figure will probably be correct again within a few months of the onset my midlife crisis.
3) Even if neither of the above two items come true, a man can still dream, can’t he?
SorkinWatch Evening Edition
Our spy’s notebook contains the following entries:
5:15pm Munchies strike. Early dinner of Stouffer’s Five-Cheese Lasagna, eaten with spoon.
5:31pm Turns on CBS News on kitchen TV. (We figured he’d watch Rather)
5:33pm Talking at TV, calls Bush an “asshole.” Still, no traitorous reamarks.
6:00pm Turns off TV, plots overthrow of all existing order.
(Sorry, we made up that last one just to spike things up a bit)
6:14pm Tells telemarketer to screw off.
6:48pm Finished doing dishes, takes a hit and then takes nap
8:25pm Hits snooze alarm and misses premiere of Watching Ellie
Once again, readers, we’ll keep you informed of all the amazing activites in the average day of a high-powered TV executive!
Those Feisty Brunettes Do It to Me Every Time
Maybe I just like watching Julia Louis-Dreyfus run around in a hot little red dress. Maybe I just like watching something new and fresh. Whatever, I just like Watching Ellie.
Julia is gorgeous and funny as always, and — I never knew! — has a lovely voice for jazz standards. I hope every show features a song. Even her band was tight. The Daily Show‘s Steve Carrell was perfectly annoying as the ex-boyfriend, and Darren Boyd as the current boyfriend looks and sounds like a young, blonde John Cleese.
I watch maybe four TV shows a week. Now it’s five. Good stuff. Set your VCR.
So Do Recycled Newspapers Go In the Debit or Credit Column?
We’ve read that some environmental groups use junk science — but junk bonds? William Quick points the way to this unusual story that’s not getting a lot of play.
That’s right, Ken Lay thought he could use the Kyoto Treaty to slam you into paying Enron more money while crippling the rest of the economy. Still mad that Enron Tanked?
Seems more like sweet justice to me.
This One Will Generate Some Googles
Mandatory reading from Dick Morris (no, really) in today’s New York Post. I would have found this hours ago, were I not wasting time with the silly SorkinWatch and Drunken Teen Sex Debate. Where has the day gone?
SorkinWatch: The Banality of… Um… Banality
Spy notebooks list the following
12:01pm Aaron returns home from Starbucks. Drops empty latte cup on sidewalk
12:10pm Two hits off bong. Sitting in front of typewriter and small mirror with razor blade.
1:15pm Two “West Wing” scripts and “A Return to Sports Night” pilot script complete
1:20pm Phone call from agent. Unintelligible, other than repeated use of phrase “you can’t make me.”
1:30pm-2:48pm Watching TVLand. Once shouted an obscentiy at Wilbur, but still nothing even remotely seditious.
2:48pm-3:48pm Watching TVLand with a fresh bottle of Jack and a crumpled softpack of Camel Lights.
We’re all up to date now. More exciting details as our spies report in!
It’s Just that Kind of Day
The new issue of Time just arrived in my mailbox. The cover asks, “Can Bono save the world?”
Punchline A: I dunno. Can smoking cure cancer?
Punchline B: I thought he died skiing.
Tom Clancy Drool-Fest Alert
Now this is just cool. Steven J. Cole writes in Strategy Page:
The US Navy has now decided to convert four (instead of just two) Trident missile submarines to carry conventional cruise missiles. Moreover, it is studying new kinds of warheads and payloads for the missiles, as well as new missiles. Some possibilities include a supersonic missile to hit targets that are likely to move, an unmanned recon drone that could be lofted over the target by a cruise missile and then extend wings and cruise like an aircraft, and various kinds of bomblets, penetrating warheads, or fuel-air explosives.
Boomers are big (the size of a WWII aircraft carrier), they’re slow, and they steer like an Ohio cow. But there’s not a nation on earth that can find ours. Hell, we usually can’t even find ours. A guy I knew briefly back in my Arcata days used to work sonor for an advanced Los Angeles-class attack sub in Squadron 22 out of Groton, I think. He had a great little sea story…
The were on mock patrol, hunting for an Ohio-class missile boat that was doing the world’s best impression of falling into a hole and dragging the hole away. The sonor guy thought he maybe heard something that might have possibly somehow been the boomer, then it was gone. The Captain logged it — and later they both got very nice marks in their dossiers. You see, when the two sub skippers had their notes compared after the exercise, it turns out they had heard the boomer — they just didn’t know it at the time.
So our very best hunter-killers can maybe sometimes find one of our SSBNs under ideal circumstances, but surely no Axis of Evil country can. And when coverted for “conventional” attack work, there’s not a nation on earth they won’t be able to sneak up on, hurt badly, and then slink away.
And That Includes the Ones Aaron Sorkin Doesn’t Know
Headline from Drudge (although the link wasn’t working last time I checked): Teens Drink Quarter of All Alcohol Consumed in U.S.
So explain to me then why I still found it damn near impossible to get laid in high school.
“The Amazing Kristof”
Early this morning I took issue (surprise!) with Nicolas Kristof’s Tuesday NYT column. For an even smarter (although less smart-ass) appraisal, get your self over to Smarter Times.
Thanks to Sarge for that headline — but I’m gonna figure out a Kreskin joke one of these days.
11:40am Conspiracy theorists, take note. Starbucks employee Condoleeza (not her real name) claims to have no recollection of Sorkin saying anything treasonous while giving his order or while standing in line. She also claims not to remember whether he asked for a “little” cinnamon, or “a dusting” of cinnamon. Certainly sounds like a cover-up.
So What Are You Still Doing Here?
Hypertext novelty songs! Yes, the latest from Will Warren serves not just as great entertainment, but further proof that he is a genius.
On the other hand, I’m a semi-philistine, so take my opinions cultural with a grain of salt. Or perhaps an entire salt lick.
But whatever you do, read Will’s Such A Disagreeable Man.
Right About NOW
I’m probably the last blogger to link to the latest Wendy McElroy on Fox, but I needed an excuse to use that semi-witty headline.
If I’m late with the links, it’s because like Ken Layne, I don’t believe that getting to work early — or even waking up before brunch — is a virtue.
Juan’s Bucket O’ Really Fine Rants
I just didn’t have the emotional energy to deal with Pual Krugman’s latest Brush with Idiocy today — so I’m extra-glad Juan Gato did such a smash-up job of it. A takedown of Krugman better than even Sullivan has done in weeks.
Worth your time. Check it out.
SorkinWatch — Midday Edition
Our Los Angeles Celebrity Spy Network has the following notebook entries on “The West Wing” producer Aaron Sorkin’s latest activities.
9:00am No political talk, still asleep upright on sofa. “Today Show” blaring on TV. Jack D spilled
9:37am Shuffles off sofa. Searches bedroom for bong, finds it on sofa in living room. Quick morning pick-me-up.
10:17am No shower, yesterday’s clothes, puts on baseball cap and heads to Starbucks. Impossible to determine if that was a lowfat halfcaff latte or a regular latte. Will be sending intern in to dig through trash for reciept.
More exciting details on the life and times of this political dynamo/TV genius coming soon.
Caution: Many Bad Puns Ahead
From Reuters (Motto: “One Man’s Wire Service Is Another Man’s Rectal Exam”) we learn that Ohio’s Renegade cow has, after 11 days on the run, been captured. In case you hadn’t, um, heard, the cow escaped from a slaughterhouse before it could, uh, meet its maker. Kowtowing to its new celebrity status, a Ken Meyer Meats representitive said they have decided to let bessie live.
Then this, “Marge Schott, the former owner of the Cincinnati Reds’ baseball team, has said the cow can have a new home on her farm. ” Asked for comment, the cow simply walked back into the slaughterhouse.
Maybe Not That Soon
Yes, kids — Blogger is cranky again today. I offered it some of my coffee, but to no avail. Hang in there — I’m sure Ev will have the problem fixed before there’s a new Pope.
Steal This Column
Link courtesy Andrew Sullivan. Exposed by Michael Lewis, the greed of Enron employees. No, not the bosses, the employees.
SorkinWatch Update — Midnight Edition
Sorkin has passed out upright on the sofa with a tumbler of Jack on his belly and a Camel Light filter burnt out between his fingers. The television is still on and showing bits of Leno. Sorkin let out one brief screed using the mysterious phrase, “touch me, Rummy,” but it is believed that was a dream and not a conscious outburst. The shrooms remain untouched, but the last of the Cheetohs are gone. Our spies have yet to uncover any further details. Stay tuned for further reports just as soon as Aaron has slept it off.
Please Note I Did Not Use the Word “Cakewalk”
Jim Dunnigan — one of the guys who invented modern war-gaming — has a good look at the Iraqi military we face today. And how, exactly, we might face it. Finally, something cheerful.
Caution: The Following Post Is Designed to Annoy Republicans. And Democrats
Another story we should see on our front pages every day but don’t, is Colombia’s new offensive against FARC guerillas.
In case you haven’t been following, FARC is an old Latin-style Marxist group, so flush with drug money that they carved out their own mini-country the size of Switzerland inside of Colombia. Three years ago, Colombia was so desperate and broke they negotiated a so-called “peace zone” which FARC could “govern” unmolested by the Colombian army, courts, police, you-name-it. Imagine if Taiwain were in the middle of China, instead of an island. Better yet, make it the other way around. While Bill Clinton was busy getting his knob polished, Colombia was fighting for its very existence — and losing.
So, forgetting for a moment the delicious irony of a rich Marxist group buying their own jungle dictatorship, let’s look at what’s going on now. A few days ago, Colombia President Andres Pastrana ordered the army back into FARC’s territory. You can read my earlier comments here, complete with an obscure Steely Dan reference. The reason I say we need to pay more attention to this mess is shown in today’s LA Times.
Reporter T. Christian Miller writes that Colombia discovered terrorist training camps, a maintenance yard, and pretty much everything else your modern rogue state needs to dysfunction.
We know IRA barbarians trained there — who else might have? While I doubt Colombia has much future as a genuine nation-state, in this fight they deserve our help and our attention.
NOTE: Oh, and if you want to take FARC’s drug money away, don’t count on reforming junkies, Aaron Sorkin, or half my old college buddies. Just legalize the crap and watch those ridiculous profit margins wither away like the Marxist state.
SECOND NOTE: Hah! The Marxists states have mostly withered away — it’s the capitalist states that are thriving.
If You Outlaw Arms Merchants, Then Only Laws Will Mechants Out-Arm. Or Something
An ex-Soviet Army officer may be the merchant behind the madness. The Washington Post reports that Victor Bout runs an arms empire out of United Arab Emirates, and US and European intelligence agencies say they’re thwarting his operations. This is part of the story I thought of briefly, ages ago, then promptly forgot about entirely. Click for details.
How Many Toasts Is That?
Just found another blog that hasn’t been around very long, but is surely worth a read or three. Check out Sine Qua Non Pundit by Charles Austin.
If I keep this up the Raised Glass Salutes, things are going to get very wobbly here soon.
A Raised Glass Salute to Blorg(?)
I don’t know who Dan Rector is. I’d never heard of his Blorg blog before just now. But Dan has a wonderful take on Olympic hockey, funny names, and what it means (or doesn’t) to be an American.
Check him out.
The Following Is Fiction, But That Doesn’t Make It Any Less True
SorkinWatch Update: It’s just after 11pm Pacific Time. No bouts of verbal diarrhea or political Tourette’s Syndrome this evening, but he’s only on his first bowl and Leno isn’t on yet. The baggie of shrooms lies untouched next to the Cheetohs on his nightstand, so visual acuity is still sharp and grounded in reality. We’ll try to provide more details if he lights up again during the Gilligan Marathon.
If They Don’t Have to Join, Why Do We?
Wish them luck, but don’t count on them winning. From Drudge, this Times (UK) story of a small group of brave Swiss, determined to keep their country free and neutral — by keeping Switzerland out of the UN.
Cute. I hope they get their wish.