The point is that the Dartmouth students themselves are creations of the very exploitation they project onto others. They and their faculties enjoy privileges undreamed up by 99.9% of the population. DeVry and Phoenix trade schools cannot afford to offer Dartmouth-like race, class, and gender courses to contextualize their accounting, computer programming and nursing programs because none of their students have the cash for such psychodramatic indulgences. Our aggrieved .01% can play act that they are embattled, precisely because free market capitalism gave them those dramatic opportunities in a way unknown in Mexico or the Congo.

So in the spirit of the egalitarian anguish of the Dartmouth students, I offer to the protestors a sample revolutionary proposal to president Hanlon:

“We, the Dartmouth micro-aggressed students, demand that the college hire no more part-time or adjunct faculty unless they are compensated in the comparable fashion to our regular professors. We insist our faculty face the same sort of accountability that all the service workers must face at Dartmouth, and therefore demand an end to lifelong guaranteed employment that tenure ensures. We insist that we be allowed to double up in our dorm rooms to ensure room and board costs remain affordable for the less well off among us. We demand student enablers who can identify all the superfluous .01% comfort indulgences that are both antithetical to our working-class shared values and likewise drive up expenses for the indigent among us. We demand further a mandatory BA exit exam in basic math and English to certify that we were given a proper educational product for the exorbitant Dartmouth $250,000 price tag of our educations.

“Furthermore to cut overhead, we ask the university to allow those privileged among us whose parents can pay full room, board, and tuition to adopt a less well off Dartmouth student, and thereby directly to pay their full costs as well, in an envisioned ‘Adopt a Poor Guy Program.’ We ask for an end to privileged student internships and summer programs abroad and in our major elite cities, but instead insist that we are sent to work along side carrot pickers in Huron, lumberjacks in Medford, and frackers in North Dakota to learn first hand the trauma of what the muscular classes suffer each day at the hands of the financial elite that has subsidized our educations.

“Finally, to equalize admission and remove the inherent and odious class biases that so arbitrarily punish the proletariat, we demand an end to SAT scores and GPA requirements that so obviously reflect unwarranted privilege. Instead to diversify our student body, we demand a five-part admission check list, entailing 1) demonstrable ability at welding, 2) the ability to do basic wiring, 3) proof of a one-year internship at Wal-Mart or Costco, 4). Evidence of at least three months of waitressing at a major chain restaurant, and 5) one-year residence in an inner city neighborhood. Unless our demands are met, we will destroy all latte machines on campus and wreck all the stair-masters in our fitness centers.”

(Artwork created using multiple images.)