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Buzz Ballad: Passed Three Times

Monday, October 22nd, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

—apologies to Tony Orlando and Dawn and “Knock Three Times”

Hey, you know that al-Qaeda’s still there?
Still spoiling for a big fight
They would delight to bring you
Though the President keeps claimin’
That terror he’s been tamin’
Deaths in Benghazi have shown everybody
That’s not true

And Obama passed three times
On the chance to take bin Laden
‘Cause Valerie said the answer was “no”
Though Obama passed, passed, passed
Now he’s bragging ’bout his actions
Although his “gutsy call” was reluctant and slow

The fire lit up the Benghazi night
Mobs murdered four, dragged the
Ambassador through the streets
Though the government was aware
They wouldn’t admit that it was terror
‘Cause they wanted to brag about their
Foreign policy feats

And Obama passed three times
On the chance to take bin Laden
‘Cause Valerie said the answer was “no”
Though Obama passed, passed, passed
Now he’s bragging ’bout his actions
Although his “gutsy call” was reluctant and slow

Yes, the President keeps claimin’
That terror he’s been tamin’
But deaths in Benghazi have shown everybody
That’s not true

And Obama passed three times
On the chance to take bin Laden
‘Cause Valerie said the answer was “no”
Though Obama passed, passed, passed
Now he’s bragging ’bout his actions
Although his “gutsy call” was reluctant and slow

Read bullet | Comments »

Buzz Ballad: Drink in Rom’ and Iacocca

Sunday, October 21st, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

After a lifetime of supporting Democrats, former Chrysler chair Lee Iacocca endorses Mitt Romney for President.
—News Item 

Drink in Rom’ and Iacocca
—apologies to the Andrews Sisters, and “Rum and Coca Cola”

Iacocca in Michigan
Never vote for Republican
But now he look at economy
And he endorse Mitt Romney

Drink in Rom’ and Iacocca
Tryin’ to defeat Obama
To stop the economic slaughter
And to save the Yankee dollar…

Oh, beat him, man, beat him

Obama pander to the mob
Talk about “shovel-ready jobs”
But borrow trillions from Chinese
To line the pockets of his cronies

Drink in Rom’ and Iacocca
Tryin’ to defeat Obama
To stop the economic slaughter
And to save the Yankee dollar…

Oh, he vex me, he vex me

Iacocca he ran Chrysler cars
When their fortunes fell down far
But though he took big bailout
He not like Obama Chevy Volt

Drink in Rom’ and Iacocca
Tryin’ to defeat Obama
To stop the economic slaughter
And to save the Yankee dollar…

It’s a fact, man, it’s a fact

Romney not fly by seat of pants
Have business experience
Knows the way to economic health
Is not to redistribute wealth

Drink in Rom’ and Iacocca
Tryin’ to defeat Obama
To stop the economic slaughter
And to save the Yankee dollar…

For safety driving near or far
Air bags now standard in your car
When Obama go down in defeat
Air bag be gone from driver’s seat

Drink in Rom’ and Iacocca
Tryin’ to defeat Obama
To stop the economic slaughter
And to save the Yankee dollar…

It’s a fact, man, it’s a fact

Rom’ and Iacocca
Rom’ and Iacocca
Tryin’ to save the Yankee dollar… 

Read bullet | Comments »

Buzz Ballad: “Optimal”

Thursday, October 18th, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

“It’s not optimal,” said Obama
“It’s not optimal at all—
We’d prefer they’d sacked the consulate
But that nobody would fall;
It was all planned, don’t you see,
They’d take a hostage or two
And then I’d release the Blind Sheik
So that I could impress you;
Yes, I’d release the Blind Sheik
To ransom the Ambassador,
And then you’d be impressed by me
Even if you weren’t before.
We were running munitions
From that house in Benghazi
So that Syrian insurgents
Could be armed more easily.
It was just like “Fast & Furious”
With a Middle Eastern twist
We wanted to build the Arab Spring
And help those who’d resist.
Yes, everything was marvelous
It all was most discreet
‘Til those damn fools killed Stevens
And dragged him through the street
Now I must answer questions
About my armaments plan
And all I can do is stand here
And look like a girly man.
That’s why I tried to lay the blame
Upon a video;
Taking responsibility
Is something I don’t know.
So I will smile and try to find
Someone to take the fall;
Oh, no, it is not optimal
Not optimal at all.”

Read bullet | Comments »

Buzz Ballad: Al Qaeda’s on the Run

Wednesday, October 17th, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

—apologies to Paul McCartney, and “Band on the Run”

Yes, I killed bin Laden
He is dead forever
It was my gutsy call
For you…
America, for you…

No, you’ve never anything to fear
That’s what I’ve got to say
I reached out in my Cairo speech
The magic of my rhetoric will sway
No, you’ve never anything to fear
No, you’ve never anything to fear…

The compound exploded with a mighty crash
From rocket-propelled grenades
And though four Americans were brutally killed
We will not admit mistakes were made
Al Qaeda’s on the run; al Qaeda’s on the run
You have got to know it was a video
That’s why all of the damage was done

Al Qaeda’s on the run; al Qaeda’s on the run
Al Qaeda’s on the run; al Qaeda’s on the run

You should ignore those calls from the Ambassador
For more security out there
How e’er could we predict? You know that we were tricked
Intelligence was not aware
Al Qaeda’s on the run; al Qaeda’s on the run
You have got to know it was a video
That’s why all of the damage was done

Al Qaeda’s on the run; al Qaeda’s on the run
Al Qaeda’s on the run; al Qaeda’s on the run

Well, there is nothing quite like an Arab Spring
To bring the Caliphate to pass
But look dispassionately at my policies
And you’ll see I’ve been an ass
Al Qaeda’s on the run; al Qaeda’s on the run
It seems I’ve overreached, so I’ll drop from my speech
And hope that you’ll ignore

Al Qaeda’s on the run; al Qaeda’s on the run
Al Qaeda’s on the run; al Qaeda’s on the run

Read bullet | Comments »

Buzz Ballad: Sixteen Trillion

Wednesday, October 17th, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

—apologies to Tennessee Ernie Ford and “Sixteen Tons”

Well, some folks say government shouldn’t go into debt
That’s something our President wants to forget
He’s borrowing here, and borrowing there—
What the long-term effects are, he just don’t care

You got sixteen trillion in national debt
And the President says that he isn’t done yet
I hope the Chinese don’t call in the loans
But if this keeps up we’re gonna get boned

Obama was elected on some hope for some change
But his method of doing that sure has been strange
He increased the national debt by fifty percent
And the indications are that he ain’t finished yet

You got sixteen trillion in national debt
And the President says that he isn’t done yet
I hope the Chinese don’t call in the loans
But if this keeps up we’re gonna get boned

Yes, he spent a trillion on a stimulus bill
We’d have green energy if we just had the will
The companies all went bankrupt, right down the line
And the President said that we’re all doin’ fine

You got sixteen trillion in national debt
And the President says that he isn’t done yet
I hope the Chinese don’t call in the loans
But if this keeps up we’re gonna get boned

He has not passed a budget since he was sworn in
And it doesn’t look like he’s going to begin
He just lets his cronies pocket most of the cash
While welfare recipients think it comes from his stash

You got sixteen trillion in national debt
And the President says that he isn’t done yet
I hope the Chinese don’t call in the loans
But if this keeps up we’re gonna get boned

Read bullet | Comments »

Buzz Ballad: The Candy Ma’am

Wednesday, October 17th, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

—apologies to Sammy Davis, Jr. and “The Candy Man”

All right, everybody—gather ’round! What kind of questions do you have?
The economy? Foreign policy? War on women?
You’ve come to the right place, because—I’m the Candy ma’am! 

Who can vet the questions?
Also moderate?
Who interrupts the challenger
So the incumbent will sound great?
The Candy ma’am
The Candy ma’am
The Candy ma’am can,
‘Cause she runs a stacked debate
And makes it all look good

Who can take a strawman?
Let it burst to flame?
With enough smoke that
The President won’t face the blame?
The Candy ma’am
The Candy ma’am
The Candy ma’am can,
‘Cause she runs a stacked debate
And makes it all look good

The Candy ma’am sat
In a “townhall” format
Filled up with Obama doters
Passed off as “undecided” voters
To ensure he would not make floaters

Who can fake a fact check
Designed to mislead?
To throw the President
A lifeline he’d sorely need?
The Candy ma’am
The Candy ma’am
The Candy ma’am can,
‘Cause she runs a stacked debate
And makes it all look good

The Candy ma’am sat
In a “townhall” format
Filled up with Obama doters
Passed off as “undecided” voters
To ensure he would not make floaters

Yeah, yeah, yeah…
Who can fake a fact check
Designed to mislead?
To throw the President
A lifeline he’d sorely need?
The Candy ma’am
The Candy ma’am
The Candy ma’am can,
‘Cause she runs a stacked debate
And makes it all look good

The Candy ma’am
The Candy ma’am
The Candy ma’am…

Read bullet | Comments »

Buzz Ballad: The Lonesome Debate of Mitt Romney

Monday, October 15th, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

—apologies to Bob Dylan and “The Lonesome Death of Hattie Carroll”

Obama threw zingers to attack Mitt Romney
Trying to compensate for his lack of Teleprompter
In a mainstream-media townhall-debate format
With an audience stacked to be favorable to him
And all audience questions previously submitted
With commentators watching to inflate his successes
And minimize answers that Romney might offer

But you who rationalize deceit
And justify all spin
Are going down to a deserved defeat
For November Sixth we will win

Barack Obama grew up as a Leftist
In law school adopted Critical Race Theory
For twenty years sat and listened to a pastor
Who damned the America that gave him his fortune
And claims he never heard what that preacher uttered
He started political life with assistance
From a terrorist bomber who is unrepentant

But you who rationalize deceit
And justify all spin
Are going down to a deserved defeat
For November Sixth we will win

Romney like Obama grew up in some privilege
But starting adult life gave up his inheritance
So that he could earn for himself satisfaction
By making his own way when finding his fortune
He saved companies and he saved the jobs with them
And in doing so he amassed his own millions
Which Barack Obama attacks with class warfare
Romney understands that it’s the private sector
And not government jobs and not entitlements
That will bring the United States out of recession
If we are not fettered by too much regulation

But you who rationalize deceit
And justify all spin
Are going down to a deserved defeat
For November Sixth we will win

The moribund media determine the forum
In which candidates may debate, and decorum
Under which anyone challenging whom they favor
Will have disabilities ‘neath which they labor
So that they’ll be lucky to finish a sentence
In order to build up the incumbent’s competence
And paint he who challenges him as a devil
They know he can’t win if the playing field’s level
And so his record must at all costs be hidden
Ignoring the filthy stench of reeking midden
Demanding the while that Romney “give specifics”

Ah, but you who rationalize deceit
And justify all spin
Are going down to a deserved defeat
For November Sixth we will win

Read bullet | Comments »

Buzz Ballad: Benghazi

Monday, October 15th, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

—apologies to Neil Young and “Ohio”

Obama’s election coming
Wouldn’t increase security;
Went to Vegas for fundraise drumming
Four dead in Benghazi

Won’t tell what he knows, when he knew it
Giving the press the run-around
Hoping that they’ll let it go
They had intelligence
Al Qaeda was there on the ground
Then blamed it on a video

Na na na na na na
Na na na na na na
Na na na na na na

Won’t tell what he knows, when he knew it
Giving the press the run-around
Hoping that they’ll let it go
They had intelligence
Al Qaeda was there on the ground
Then blamed it on a video

Obama’s election coming
Wouldn’t increase security;
Went to Vegas for fundraise drumming
Four dead in Benghazi
Four dead in Benghazi
Four dead in Benghazi
Four dead in Benghazi
Four dead in Benghazi

How many more?

Four dead in Benghazi
Four dead in Benghazi
Four dead in Benghazi
Four dead in Benghazi…

Read bullet | Comments »

Buzz Ballad: Deference to Obama

Monday, September 24th, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

—apologies to the Rolling Stones, and “Sympathy for the Devil”

Let me please introduce myself
I’m a man of hope and change
I’ve been in office for almost four years
It’s racist if you say my name’s strange
I did a bailout for GM when it was going down the drain
Made sure my cronies were first in line
Bankruptcy laws were rearranged
Pleased to meet you—hope you guessed my name
But what’s puzzling you is the nature of my game

I slept right through the Benghazi night
When the mob for the consulate came
Yes they killed four Americans
Christopher Stevens screamed in vain
I claimed to know ’twas a video
Sparked world riots when the rocks were thrown
Pleased to meet you—hope you guessed my name
But what’s puzzling you is the nature of my game

I watched in glee while the jihadis
Built nuclear bombs with no action by me
I shouted about Romney’s tax returns
While I concealed my past history
Let me please introduce myself
I’m a man of hope and change
And I’ve made sure nobody can buy a home
‘Cause mortgages stay out of range
Pleased to meet you—hope you guessed my name
But what’s confusing you is the nature of my game

Though I condemn the West as colonial
And will impose on it Third World squalor
I rejoice in living a life that’s baronial
As I laze behind the White House doors
So, if you meet me, show me deference
Bow to me as I bow to the Sauds
While I further same-sex matrimonials
And subject you to foreign gods
Pleased to meet you—hope you guessed my name
Can I interest you in a sweatshirt
Which displays the logo of my fame?

Mmmmm, meanness
Gets ’round
Woo, woo
Woo, woo
Oh, yeah—get on down
Oh, yeah—oh, yeah

Tell me subjects—what’s my name?
Say, dependents—what’s my name?
You on foodstamps—what’s my name?
Hey, you voters—you’re to blame.

Ooo, oooh
Ooo, oooh
Ooo, oooh

Read bullet | Comments »

Buzz Ballad: Obama Won’t Meet

Thursday, September 20th, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

—apologies to Brian Elliot and Madonna and “Papa Don’t Preach”

Obama, you know that he’s upset
Because Israel’s worried Iran will get
Nuclear weapons, and
Mullahs are crazy

Obama likes leading from behind
Israel asked him to draw red lines
But he diddles with sanctions
And he just keeps delaying

He said Iran’s “just a small country”
Seems to support their hegemony
Turns his back on an ally—is it just that he’s lazy?

Obama won’t meet, with Netanyahu
Obama won’t meet, blew off Barak too
But he managed to find time to meet with Morsi, oh
He wants to meet with Morsi, mmmm…

Obama says he’s “got Israel’s back”
Claims that they don’t have to fear attack
Claims that they’ll be all right
Now isn’t that nice?

But the attacks upon our embassies show
That he doesn’t know what he thinks that he knows
His commitment to making nice with Islamists means…

Obama won’t meet, with Netanyahu
Obama won’t meet, blew off Barak too
But he managed to find time to meet with Morsi, oh
He wants to meet with Morsi, mmmm…

The president, it’s sad to tell
Is quietly sloughing Israel
But he wants deniability
Hoping for post-election flexibility…

Obama won’t meet, with Netanyahu
Obama won’t meet, blew off Barak too
But he managed to find time to meet with Morsi, oh
He wants to meet with Morsi, mmmm…

Obama won’t meet, with Netanyahu
Obama won’t meet, blew off Barak too

Obama won’t meet, with Netanyahu
Obama won’t meet, blew off Barak too

But he managed to find time to meet with Morsi, ooh
No, he doesn’t like the Israelis
Yes, he wants to meet with Morsi

Read bullet | Comments »

Buzz Ballad: After Midnight

Wednesday, September 19th, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

—by Eric “Clapped in Irons” Holder, with apologies to Eric Clapton and “After Midnight” 

After midnight, we’re gonna check on your parole
After midnight, we’re gonna throw you in the hole
We’re gonna drag you to the station
It’s the new Obama nation
Where placating angry Muslims is our role
After midnight, we’re gonna check on your parole

After midnight, gonna knock upon your door
After midnight, like we never did before
We’re gonna trash the First Amendment
Because some rioters’ resentment
Means that the Constitution we’ll ignore
After midnight, gonna knock upon your door

After midnight, gonna knock upon your door
After midnight, gonna knock upon your door
After midnight, gonna knock upon your door
After midnight, gonna knock upon your door

 

 

 

Read bullet | Comments »

Buzz Ballad: ‘I’ll Be There’

Saturday, September 15th, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

—apologies to the Four Tops and “I’ll Be There”

Now if you feel like things can’t go on
‘Cause the “hope” and the “change” are all gone
And the promise of a future has faded
‘Cause we’re in debt and our credit’s downgraded
And the world is erupting in flames
Voters, reach out
Reach out to me
I’ll be there
Hitting balls out all across the links
I’ll be there
Playing the race card with some nods and winks

Now if the whole Muslim world is explodin’
‘Cause I endlessly spiked the ball ’bout bin Laden
And folks were murdered serving in our embassy
‘Cause I stinted upon their security
And the carnage gets ever more ghastly
Voters, reach out
Reach out to me
I’ll be there
At fundraisers for thousands a plate
I’ll be there
Abandoning you all to your fate

I can tell by reading polls from Rasmussen
That my performance in office you’re discussin’
But you’d all best remember your places;
If you don’t vote for me you’re a racist
I know what you’re thinking
You bought my line, but you’ve been boned
Voters, reach out
Reach out to me
I’ll be there
Living high on the public dime
I’ll be there
Yes, I want to do it one more time
I’ll be there
Living high on the public dime
I’ll be there
Yes, I want to do it one more time
I’ll be there
Living high on the public dime
I’ll be there
Yes, I want to do it one more time…

(fade out)

Read bullet | Comments »

Buzz Ballad: The Happy Policy Wanderer

Friday, September 14th, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

—apologies to Friedrich-Wilhelm Moller, and “The Happy Wanderer”

I love to go a-wandering
On the policy front
Without my prompter I am lost
And so I always punt

Al-Qaedi, Al-Qaeda
Al-Qaeda, Al-de-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
Al Qaedi, Al-Qaeda
And so I always punt

I extend my hand to Islamists
Because I think that’s right
But when our ambassador was killed
I slept right through the night

Al-Qaedi, Al-Qaeda
Al-Qaeda, Al-de-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
Al Qaedi, Al-Qaeda
I slept right through the night

I change statements so often that
What I mean you must guess
The only thing that’s crystal clear?
My policy’s a mess.

Al-Qaedi, Al-Qaeda
Al-Qaeda, Al-de-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
Al Qaedi, Al-Qaeda
My policy’s a mess.

Read bullet | Comments »

Buzz Ballad: The Brotherhood Muslim

Friday, September 14th, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

The Brotherhood Muslim
—from “How to Succeed at Jihad Without Even Trying,” with apologies to “The Brotherhood of Man” from “How to Succeed in Business…”

Intro (spoken):
Now, you may say you’re a Jew, my friend,
And others say they’re Christian;
And some folks worship other gods…
It takes too long to list them.
Still others worship Marxist thought
Or global climate change;
But I’ve learned there’s one scimitar
That has us all in range.

Sings:
There is a Brotherhood Muslim,
Stealthy covert Brotherhood Muslim,
A band that seeks to bind
All human hearts and minds
Into one Brotherhood Muslim.
Forget about being free,
Just give those Brothers all you can.
Oh aren’t you proud to be
Shorn of humanity,
In the great Brotherhood Muslim?

Some men are independent,
And live life as they choose,
But when Islam’s ascendant
That notion they will lose.
They need an imam’s leadership,
Or else they’ll be done in—
Remember, non-submission
Is always mortal sin.

They’re (We’re) in (in) the (the) Brotherhood Muslim,
Dedicated to giving all we can.
Oh, we’re so proud to be
Shorn of humanity,
In the great big Brotherhood Muslim!

No kiddin’! Is there really a Brotherhood…?
Yes, you’re a brother
Muslim?
You are a brother
On the level, a Brotherhood Muslim?
Oh yes, oh yes.

A band that seeks to bind
All human hearts and minds
Into one Brotherhood Muslim
Just forget about being free
Keep a-givin’ each Brother all you can
Oh aren’t you…
You, you’re not free;
Us, we got you, you!

Hear that muezzin keening,
Towards Mecca you’re leaning,
Now your life has meaning,
Oh Brother!
You, you’re not free;
Us, we got you, you!

Just forget about being free.
Keep a-givin’ each Brother all you can.
Close your eyes and you’ll be
In the Ummah with me,
The great big Brotherhood Muslim!

Read bullet | Comments »

Buzz Ballad: Angry Muslims/Western Palsy

Thursday, September 13th, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

—with apologies to Paul McCartney and “Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey”

We’re so sorry, angry Muslims
We’re so sorry if we caused you any pain
We’re so sorry, angry Muslims
But too many of you live here
And we fear you’ll riot again
We’re so sorry we allowed free speech its say

We’re so sorry, angry Muslims
So we think the best course is apologize for everything
We’re so sorry, angry Muslims
So we’ll show that we listen to what you say
We’re so sorry, angry Muslims
If we grovel before you perhaps your rage will go away

Fatwas ‘cross the water (water)
Heads roll by and by
Fatwas ‘cross the water (water)
Heads roll by and by

Western palsy is showing me
If we don’t show a firm hand soon we won’t be free
Leaders all making worthless apologies and I don’t know why
(the apologies are worthless and I really don’t know why)

Fatwas ‘cross the water (water)
Heads roll by and by
Fatwas ‘cross the water (water)
Heads roll by and by

Live like men and let some courage get around (get around)
Get your knees up off the ground
Let some courage get around
Live like men and let some courage get around (get around)
Get your knees up off the ground
Let some courage get around

Fatwas ‘cross the water (water)
Heads roll by and by
Fatwas ‘cross the water (water)
Heads roll by and by

Ooo————ooo————-

Read bullet | Comments »

‘Day of Infamy’ Speech — Updated

Wednesday, September 12th, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

On September 11, 2012—a date which will live in infamy—the diplomatic facilities of the United States of America were suddenly and deliberately attacked by the incited forces of the Muslim Brotherhood.

The United States has acted to facilitate the Muslim Brotherhood takeovers in Libya and Egypt, and was proceeding with the bribery and appeasement of its leaders looking towards the maintenance of peace in the Middle East.

Indeed, even after the riotous mob had breached the wall of our Cairo embassy, struck our flag, and raised the black flag of al Qaeda over our embassy on the anniversary of al Qaeda’s most ruthless attack on American soil, the American ambassador issued a groveling statement which apologized for the American exercise of free speech, one of the principles upon which our country is based.

It will be recorded that the date upon which our facilities were assaulted and the insignificance of the alleged provocation makes it obvious that the attacks were deliberately planned many days or even weeks ago.  During the intervening time the United States government deliberately deceived itself as to the false friendship it enjoyed with the Muslim militants and the hope for continued peace.

The attack yesterday upon our diplomatic posts has caused severe damage to the morale of Americans and of the American diplomatic service.  I regret to tell you that four American lives have been lost.  In addition, American prestige has been damaged throughout the world.

The Muslim Brotherhood is also active in Syria, in Tunisia, in Algeria, in Europe, and here at home in the continental United States. The facts of yesterday and today speak for themselves. The people of the United States have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our nation.

As Commander-in-Chief of the Army and Navy, I have already announced in the writings attributed to me that where there is a controversy regarding Muslims, I will stand with the Muslims. Accordingly, while I have issued an empty condemnation, I have directed that no actual measures will be taken to address the onslaught against us beyond the most pro forma protections for our other diplomatic facilities.

No matter how distasteful it may be to the people of the nation I was elected to lead, the principle of appeasement must not be abandoned. The American people, in contradiction to their character, must learn the ways of submission.

I believe I interpret the will of my party in Congress and a portion of the people when I assert that we will not only decline to take decisive action but will make it very certain that this form of treachery shall repeatedly threaten us in the future.

Hostilies exist.  We will, however, ignore them regardless of the fact that our people, our territory and our interests are in grave danger.

With contempt for our armed forces, with the unbounding determination to bow before tyrants, we will aid our adversaries in their quest to gain the inevitable triumph, so help Me.

I ask that the Congress declare that in light of the unprovoked and dastardly attack by the Muslim Brotherhood on Tuesday, September 11, 2012, a strongly-worded letter will be sent by the United States to the Muslim Brotherhood.

—President Barack Hussein Obama

Read bullet | Comments »

Buzz Ballad: A Modern Liberal Democrat

Thursday, September 6th, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

A Modern Liberal Democrat
–with apologies to Gilbert & Sullivan and “A Modern Major-General”

I am the very model of a modern liberal Democrat
I’ve spread out ‘cross the nation from my native campus habitat
I know our shabby history of policies discriminate
And think we should apologize from now until the infinite

I look upon myself as a citizen international
I think restricting entry of illegals is irrational
I take care always to show elevated moral attitude
And speak with unimpeachable political correctitude

And speak with unimpeachable political correctitude
And speak with unimpeachable political correctitude
And speak with unimpeachable political correcti-rectitude

Though not myself religious I will talk of spirituality
I worship at the shrine of income and gender equality
I support racial set-asides, preferences, and bureaucrats
I am the very model of a modern liberal Democrat

He supports racial set-asides, preferences, and bureaucrats
He is the very model of a modern liberal Democrat

I reject the notion that Al-Qaeda wants to form a Caliphate
We’d rapidly end differences if we would just negotiate
I think we should do more to prevent other nations’ genocide
But if we use our military I’ll support the other side

I second-guess every decision strategic and tactical
I support our troops in every way, as long as it’s not practical
Our army should not engage in perilous foreign adventure
So I oppose on principle each new defense expenditure

So I oppose on principle each new defense expenditure
So I oppose on principle each new defense expenditure
So I oppose on principle each new defense expend-expenditure

I think that women should have choices when they’re faced with pregnancy
But there is one choice over others I view preferentially
In short, supporting set-asides, preferences, and bureaucrats
I am the very model of a modern liberal Democrat

In short, supporting set-asides, preferences, and bureaucrats
I am the very model of a modern liberal Democrat

But when I have shed my nostalgic dreams of a revolution
When I know government’s the problem more than the solution
When I realize there’s no way that we can fund Social Security
With so much of our population having reached maturity

When I have learnt taxation doesn’t create private sector jobs
When I stop using tax grants as a way to buy votes from the mob
In short, when I have shorn some of my more blatant hypocrisies
You might actually see me begin to support democracy

You might actually see me begin to support democracy
You might actually see me begin to support democracy
You might actually see me begin to support democra-mocracy

Still the economic knowledge which I’ve clung to from my early teens
Says, “To each who wants it must come from each person who has got the means”
And so, supporting set-asides, preferences, and bureaucrats
I am the very model of a modern liberal Democrat

And so, supporting set-asides, preferences, and bureaucrats
I am the very model of a modern liberal Democrat


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Buzz Ballad: Jerusalem

Wednesday, September 5th, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

—apologies to William Blake and “Jerusalem”

And did those feet, ere election
Once walk before the Western Wall?
And did the president-to-be
E’en then plan Netanyahu’s fall?

Did his anti-colonial mind
Then clench the fist of his left hand
And dream Jerusalem held entire
By murderous Palestinians?

“Bring me my club of foreign aid!
“Bring appeasement to the UN!
“Bring a blind eye now to al-Qaed’!
“Bring the old borders up again!

“I will not cease to temporize
“Nor oppose nuclear Iran
“Till Arabs wrest Jerusalem
“From Israel’s devastated land.”

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Buzz Ballad: Empty Chair

Monday, September 3rd, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

—apologies to Hoagy Carmichael and “Rockin’ Chair”

Ol’ empty chair’s got me—it injures my pride
Can’t run on my record of failures I can’t hide.
National debt’s climbin’ to the stratosphere
And at the top of it, there sits an empty chair.

Oh, my GM bailout, and my cash to cronies
Stimulated nothing but a torrent of bankruptcy
It’s a dismal record; Election day is near
And I’m just an empty chair…

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Modern Scripture

Monday, September 3rd, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

Acorn 8, Eric Holder Version

1 Chicago Jesus went unto the Hill of Capitol.

And early in the morning he came again into the Capitol, and all the Congress came unto him; and he held forth, and lectured them.

And the states and governors brought unto him a woman taken in voter fraud; and when they had set her in the midst,

They say unto him, Master, this woman was taken in voter fraud, in the very act.

Now passage of our law commanded us, that such should be punished: but what sayest thou?

This they said, tempting him, that they might have to accuse him. But Chicago Jesus stooped down, and with his finger wrote an executive order, as though he heard them not.

So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without picture ID among you, let him first cast indictment at her.

And again he stooped down, and wrote executive orders.

And they which heard it, being convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one, beginning at the eldest, even unto the last: and Chicago Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst.

10 When Chicago Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee?

11 She said, No man, Lord. And Chicago Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and vote many times more.

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Buzz Ballad: Mr. Sandman

Monday, September 3rd, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

—apologies to P. Ballard, the Chordettes and “Mr. Sandman”

Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum

Mr. Sandman, you wrote a “Dream”
(Bum, bum, bum, bum)
But your composites were less than they seemed
(Bum, bum, bum, bum)
You promised lots of hope and changing
(Bum, bum, bum, bum)
But we don’t like your social rearranging

Sandman, we’re being boned
(Bum, bum, bum, bum)
By government, we’d rather stand on our own
(Bum, bum, bum, bum)
We want to repeal your healthcare scheme
Mr. Sandman, we reject your dream

Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum…

Mr. Sandman, you wrote a dream
But your composites were less than they seemed
You promised lots of hope and changing
But we don’t like your social rearranging

Sandman, we’re being boned
By government, we’d rather stand on our own
We want to repeal your healthcare scheme
Mr. Sandman, we reject your dream

Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum

Mr. Sandman (Yes?) it’s evident
Your ego’s too big for you to be President
You should regard your sand-sculpture’s erosion
Symbolizing your Presidency’s implosion

Mr Sandman, we want to hold
(We want to hold)
What we have earned in life for when we are old
We want to repeal your healthcare scheme
Mr Sandman, we reject, yes, yes reject
Mr Sandman, we reject your dream

Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum…

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Buzz Ballad: A Portrait Sculpted of Sand

Sunday, September 2nd, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

—apologies to Pat Boone and to Patsy Cline, and “Love Letters in the Sand”

To start the Convention
Democrats hailed The One
With a portrait sculpted of sand

Ah, but the elements
Eroded and put dents
In their portrait sculpted of sand

A monument worthy of a
Tin-pot dictator
Is as close as he’ll get to
A portrait on Rushmore

May his Presidency
Like this gross tribute, be
Just a portrait sculpted of sand

A monument worthy of a
Tin-pot dictator
Is as close as he’ll get to
A portrait on Rushmore

May his Presidency
Like this gross tribute, be
Just a portrait sculpted of sand

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Buzz Ballad: Valerie

Sunday, September 2nd, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

—apologies to Richard Thompson, and “Valerie”

Oh Valerie! You got Obama’s ear
Oh Valerie! You control what he hears
Born in Iran with a Communist past
If the public knew about you they’d be aghast
The way you control the President and First Lady
Well they’re wait, wait, waiting on Valerie

Hey Valerie! She was part of a ring
Valerie! That built public housing
Collected immense subsidy sums
For shoddy buildings, instant slums
Lots of poor tenants now living in misery
After en-, en-, enriching Valerie

If you’re in the West Wing, better genuflect
To all of her whims, wherever she directs
If you don’t, never you fear
In a twinkling you’ll find yourself out on your ear
Yes, she’ll have you thrown out on your ear
Oh Valerie! Oh Valerie! Oh Valerie!

Well Valerie! When bin Laden was found
Valerie! You turned the mission down
Three different times you nixed the “gutsy call”
Now Obama runs around spiking that football
Oblivious that he risked popularity
By wait, wait, waiting for Valerie

She is unvetted and uncontrolled
Wields massive power through a personal hold
Isn’t it disturbing that such as she
Can determine the President’s policy?
Foreign and domestic policy?

Oh Valerie! No-one knows what she do
Valerie! She’s paid by me and you
She quietly pulls strings behind the scenes
Nobody knows what’s behind the screen
Except that she’s Obama’s number one crony
We don’t need, need, need any more Valerie
Don’t need, need, need any more Valerie
We don’t need, need, need any more Valerie

Valerie! Oh Valerie! Well! Whooo!

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Buzz Ballad: The Ballad of Joe Soptic

Friday, August 10th, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

The laid-off Joe Soptic says Romney’s to thank
For his wife’s cancer death and his debts at the bank
But the skeptics sensed Soptic’s sob story was rank
And threw Soptic’s sob story into the septic tank 

Joe was a steel man with a job at the mill
And made for himself a good living
But when hard times came the steel jobs were killed
And Joe Soptic’s most unforgiving

The laid-off Joe Soptic says Romney’s to thank
For his wife’s cancer death and his debts at the bank
But the skeptics sensed Soptic’s sob story was rank
And threw Soptic’s sob story into the septic tank 

The mill where Soptic worked went right down the drain
And though Bain tried to turn it around
You can’t run a business with more loss than gain
So unemployed Joe himself found

Chorus

Five years later, sadly, doctors found Joe’s wife
Was suffering from cancer’s late stages
Right after diagnosis, she lost her life
And Joe felt that this was outrageous

Chorus

Joe set about looking for someone to blame
For the fact that his wife had to go
And decided it had all been the fault of Bain
And Mitt Romney, once Bain’s CEO

Chorus

Yes, Soptic blamed Romney, though Romney had left
Bain long before Joe’s plant was shuttered
A brief look shows that Joe’s story is quite bereft
Of any truth in what he uttered

Chorus

Joe Soptic says his wife was uninsured
And that’s what left her in a pickle
He could have put her on his plan, but demurred
In order to save a few nickels

Chorus

But Obama’s campaign, with a record of fail
Decided to smear their opponent
And used Soptic’s fabricated fairy tale
In hope that they could seize the moment

Chorus

Yes, Obama’s campaign has worked hard to retail
A story which they knew was truthless
But, when you must run on a record of fail
You see no downside to being ruthless

Chorus

One can—perhaps—pity Soptic for his lies
When he said Romney was to blame
But honest Americans all should despise
How Obama attacked Romney’s name 

The laid-off Joe Soptic says Romney’s to thank
For his wife’s cancer death and his debts at the bank
But the skeptics sensed Soptic’s sob story was rank
And threw Soptic’s sob story into the septic tank 


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Buzz Ballad: Obama

Wednesday, August 8th, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

—apologies to the Steve Miller Band and “The Joker”

Some people call me the Lightworker, yeah
Some call me the Gangster of Choom
Some people call me the POTUS (woo! woo!)
And I’m the smartest guy in every room
People talkin’ ’bout the economy
They say I’m doin’ you wrong
But don’t you worry, don’t you worry, ’bout that nest egg, baby
‘Cause you won’t have it very long

‘Cause I’m a taxer, I’m a scammer
I’m an economic slammer
And now that I am The Man
I’m gonna rip and gonna tear
Make the rich pay “their fair share”
Along the Cloward-Piven plan

Took a great big pile of stimulus money
Handed it to cronies for “green energy”
Spending, spending, spending on the taxpayers’ dime (woo! woo!)
Oh, I show myself and show my wife a good time

‘Cause I’m a taxer, I’m a scammer,
I’m an economic slammer
And now that I am The Man
I’m gonna party with my cronies
While you nibble on baloney
Salvaged from the garbage can

People talkin’ ’bout the economy
They say I’m doin’ you wrong
But don’t you worry, don’t you worry, ’bout that nest egg, baby
‘Cause you won’t have it very long
Took a great big pile of stimulus money
Handed it to cronies for “green energy”
Spending, spending, spending on the taxpayers’ dime (woo! woo!)
Oh, I show myself and show my wife a good time

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Buzz Ballad: Barry the Choomer

Tuesday, August 7th, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

—apologies to Cab Calloway and “Minnie the Moocher”

Folks, now, here’s a story ’bout Barry the Choomer
He is a tail-end Baby Boomer
He slacked off on his schooling everywhere he went
But he rode his race to the office of President

High-de-high-de-high
Blow-de-blow-de-blow
Sleazy sleazy sleazy sleazy
Chi-ca-go

He hung out with all of the Marxist academics
Used a Teleprompter to make populist polemics
His economic policies made misery everywhere
So he tried class war on “millionaires and billionaires”

Lie-de-lie-de-lie
No-no-no-de-grow
Squeezy squeezy squeezy squeezy
Lots of show

The process of governing was way beyond his talents
So he ignored the Constitution’s check and balance
Instead of passing a budget for every year
He ran the national debt up to the stratosphere

Buy-de-buy-de-buy
Who cares where it goes?
Just show me another rathole
Where cash I can throw

Now he’s spending madly so he can win re-election
Wants four more years to bring his policies to perfection
Even if the damage he’s done only makes you squirm
Just imagine what he’ll wreak if there’s a second term

Cry-cry-cry-de-cry
No-no-no-de-no
Vote-de-vote-de-vote-de-votey
Out he goes 

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Buzz Ballad: Bunch of Gays Went Down to Georgia

Tuesday, August 7th, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

—apologies to Charlie Daniels and “The Devil Went Down to Georgia

Bunch of gays went down to Georgia, they were lookin’ for a Chick-Fil-A
They’d got all bent ’cause its President liked marriage the old-fashioned way.
They drove right up to the window, under their collars they were hot
And they said to the girl takin’ orders there, “We don’t like the chicken in your pot.
“Now girlie, you may not know it but we’re a bunch of militants
“And while we insist on our own liberty, we don’t like Dan Cathy’s stance.
“So we’re gonna have a kiss-in here just to show our contempt for you
“‘Cause nobody nowhere nohow can criticize what gay folks do.”
The girl spoke back right smart at them, and didn’t damn their eyes,
But said, “I think you’ll change your mind when you try our waffle fries.”

Chick-Fil-A, fire up the grill and spread that chicken spice
See if you can make militant gays learn how to act real nice;
Everybody has free speech, that’s how this country’s made
Maybe you’ll sweeten their dispositions with a glass of lemonade.

The gays all piled out of their car and locked in an embrace
A couple guys with tattoos started in to gnaw each other’s face
But no-one paid them any mind, although they acted rude
They practically were trampled by folks looking to buy food.
They writhed and gripped hard as they could, but it was no big deal
‘Cause Chick-Fil-A was swamped with people clamoring for a meal

They yelled, “Gimme a spicy sandwich, do
“Gimme a drink, waffle fries too
“Whether you’re for gay marriage or not
“We don’t care for kiss-ins or boycotts.”

The militants were angry ’cause they knew that they’d been beat
They were about to get into their car and drive off in defeat
They knew they’d really lost when one of them came back outside,
Saying, “Hey, guys, you know this sandwich? It’s the best I’ve ever tried.”

They yelled, “Gimme a spicy sandwich, do
“Gimme a drink, waffle fries too
“Whether you’re for gay marriage or not
“We don’t care for kiss-ins or boycotts.”

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Buzz Ballad: The Mosque Upon the Mount

Saturday, May 19th, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

For Yom Yerushalayim:

 

Mohammed rode the night horse, or so the Korans say

Mohammed rode the night horse to a mosque so far away

And his followers the Muslims, coming after his death, claim

That the mosque upon the Mount is the mosque the Koran names.

 

Never mind the mosque upon the Mount was never even there

At the time Mohammed—so they claim—took his ride in the air.

Never mind the mosque upon the Mount was built in later days—

Mere factual reality did ne’er a Muslim faze.

 

Broadcast on Al-jazeera, in the seething Arab street,

Are echoed calls to Muslims that they must not retreat

That they must not cede unto the Jews they hold of no account

Possession of the Mountain and the mosque upon the Mount.

 

The Muslims lost the mosque and lost the Mount on which it stands

A foolish choice was made then that it stay within their hands

And feverishly ever they work so as to erase

The record of the Temple there—which must take pride of place.

 

The world stands by complacent at the Mount destruction news—

When cared the nations for the holy places of the Jews?

But bad though the nations’ silence be, the silence that is worse

Is that of Jews who stand by as the destruction occurs.

 

Why should a people conquered justly through the force of arms

Be permitted to retain a symbol that does lasting harm?

Why should the conquered be allowed to rule the Temple Mount

And by this hold their conquerors to be of no account?

 

The mosque upon the Mount is beautiful, or so they say

But like the earlier Temple, it also may pass away—

The mosque was built to show who’d conquered many years ago;

The reason it was raised is also why it now must go.

 

O Jews, who claim Jerusalem is still your capital

How can you claim this when the Mountain still remains in thrall?

It is in thrall by your consent. Jerusalem will be

Your capital united when the Mount has been set free.

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Buzz Ballad: Whenas Entitl’d My Julia Goes

Friday, May 4th, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

—with apologies to Robert Herrick, and “Whenas In Silks My Julia Goes” 

Whenas entitl’d my Julia goes
Then, then (methinks) how greatly grows
The economy’s woeful throes

Next, when I cast my eyes and see
The bills for things promised as free,
Oh, how the President’s taken me!

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Buzz Ballad: I Got Bin Laden

Tuesday, May 1st, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

—apologies to Bob Marley and “I Shot the Sheriff”

I got bin Laden
Is there anyone awesome as me?
I got bin Laden
But would not if I were Mitt Romney

All around the USA
I’m bragging left and right
Because Osama bin Laden’s dead
In a SEAL firefight
I say…

I got bin Laden
Well, it really was the Navy SEALS
I got bin Laden
Where are the adulatory squeals?

I never served in the military
Nor was tested in my life
The most difficult thing I ever did
Was contradict my wife
I say…

I got bin Laden
Though I was not involved in the plan
I got bin Laden
And I’ll broadcast from Afghanistan

Though now I’ll claim that personally
I nailed up his hide
The word is out from Washington
I took sixteen hours to decide
I say…

I got bin Laden
And I say that it’s a “gutsy call”
I got bin Laden
Remember election comes this fall

Even though Senator McCain said
Heroes don’t brag at all
Once more I take Osama’s head
And spike it like a football
I say…

I got bin Laden
Is there anyone awesome as me?
I got bin Laden
Please forget ’bout the economy…

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Buzz Ballad: Al Armendariz

Monday, April 30th, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

—apologies to Percy Bysshe Shelley, and “Ozymandias”

I met a traveler from southwestern lands
Who said, “There is a video upon
YouTube.  An administrator, offhand,
Informs his underlings that every one
Of them in South Central, ‘neath his command
Must bend their ev’ry energy to try
To restrict the actions of companies
Which regulations let them crucify;
He gives those under him this knowing leer;
‘My name is Al Armendariz, Ph.D!
Look on our acts, businessmen, and despair!’
But he did not remain.  He’s gone away
And from his career’s wreck, we are aware
Natural gas and tar sands wait to pay.”

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Buzz Ballad: Under the Bus Wheels

Monday, April 30th, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

—with apologies to the Drifters, and “Under the Boardwalk” , this last-campaign oldie is dedicated to Al Armendariz, lately of the EPA

Oh when the campaign heats up and reveals unpleasant truths
And even the papers can’t avoid reporting inconvenient proofs.
Under the bus wheels, away from me
Giving me deniability is where you’ll be.

(Under the bus wheels)
Safely hidden from view.
(Under the bus wheels)
I will sacrifice you.
(Under the bus wheels)
I will take the high road.
(Under the bus wheels)
You’ll be bearing the load under the bus wheels,
Bus wheels.

From the crowds you hear the happy sounds of the hopes I sell,
If you try to interfere with my pitch you won’t get a chance to tell.
Under the bus wheels, away from me
Giving me deniability is where you’ll be.

(Under the bus wheels)
Safely hidden from view.
(Under the bus wheels)
I will sacrifice you.
(Under the bus wheels)
I will take the high road.
(Under the bus wheels)
You’ll be bearing the load under the bus wheels,
Bus wheels.

Under the bus wheels, away from me
Giving me deniability is where you’ll be.

Under the bus wheels, away from me
Giving me deniability is where you’ll be.

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Buzz Ballad: My Wife Needs So Many Things

Tuesday, April 24th, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

—apologies to Rodgers & Hammerstein, and “My Favorite Things

Celebrity chef meals and home spa massages
Sycophants to make up her entourages
Garish designer clothes covered in bling
Why is it my wife needs so many things?

A slavish press corps claiming that her grimaces
Display one of the world’s most lovely faces
The obedience that from fat children she wrings
Why is it my wife needs so many things?

Though she has got no formal occupation
Each few weeks she takes a lavish vacation
Yes, she has got her eyes on the cha-ching;
Why is it my wife needs so many things?

Late at night when
She wakes up and
Inward turns her eyes
She confronts the empty void where her soul should be
And resolves to super-Versailles!

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Buzz Ballad: Holder Sillybillies

Tuesday, April 10th, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

To the tune of the “Beverly Hillbillies” theme:

Come and watch the videos filmed by James O’Keefe
That he could vote as Eric Holder almost beggars the belief
But he walked into the polling place as bold as he could be
And told the watcher up front he didn’t have ID
Pix, that is.
Driver’s license, that kind of thing.
Well, the polling watcher told him, “Oh don’t you never mind
We don’t give a durn if your ID’s left behind—
If you say you’re who you are that’s good enough for me—”
But James kept it legal, said he’d go get ID
Proof, that is.
Be right back now, fast and furious…

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An Immodest Proposal

Sunday, March 25th, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

What this country needs is not a good five-cent cigar (where, after all, could you smoke it in comfort?) but a new TV network.  That might seem counterintuitive as Oprah’s OWN network hurtles to oblivion, but actually it is the Oprah failure which shows that a crying need—an unfulfilled market—actually exists.

What we need is the Politically InCorrect Network—the PIC Network.  No, I’m not talking about revival of Bill Maher’s dreary show by that name; I’m talking about a network which shows, in rotation, nothing but material which currently does not appear on other networks for fear that it “might offend.”  I’m talking about all those old films with black and Jewish and Irish and Italian and homosexual stereotypes—and all of the cartoons which also unapologetically contained such things.

I’m talking about films with Stepin Fetchit and Mantan Moreland.  Warner Oland playing Charlie Chan.  Mickey Rooney caricaturing a Japanese in Breakfast at Tiffany’s.  John Barrymore trying to pretend to be a Jew in Counsellor at Law.  Films—and TV shows—with ethnic jokes and sex jokes.  I’m talking not only about the old Amos ‘n’ Andy TV show, but about practically any TV show that was done prior to about 1972, since these shows would have women who are unapologetically housewives and men who are breadwinners and who are not idiots or buffoons.

Let this stuff be available all around the clock, seven days a week, to anyone who wants to see it.  Let people see how not-vicious most of it is; how silly it was, for the most part, intended to be; and how funny a lot of it remains.  Let’s re-learn, as Americans, how to laugh again, and how to get over ourselves a little.

And, just by the way—the PIC Network would make a fortune.  Yeah, there’s a lot of “old stuff” on TV now already—as “nostalgia.”  Bah—who cares about nostalgia?  Un-PC humor is more forbidden than pornography, by several orders of magnitude.  Taboo TV would clean up.

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