The PJ Tatler
Buzzsawmonkey
Buzz Ballad: The Brotherhood Muslim
The Brotherhood Muslim
—from “How to Succeed at Jihad Without Even Trying,” with apologies to “The Brotherhood of Man” from “How to Succeed in Business…”
Intro (spoken):
Now, you may say you’re a Jew, my friend,
And others say they’re Christian;
And some folks worship other gods…
It takes too long to list them.
Still others worship Marxist thought
Or global climate change;
But I’ve learned there’s one scimitar
That has us all in range.
Sings:
There is a Brotherhood Muslim,
Stealthy covert Brotherhood Muslim,
A band that seeks to bind
All human hearts and minds
Into one Brotherhood Muslim.
Forget about being free,
Just give those Brothers all you can.
Oh aren’t you proud to be
Shorn of humanity,
In the great Brotherhood Muslim?
Some men are independent,
And live life as they choose,
But when Islam’s ascendant
That notion they will lose.
They need an imam’s leadership,
Or else they’ll be done in—
Remember, non-submission
Is always mortal sin.
They’re (We’re) in (in) the (the) Brotherhood Muslim,
Dedicated to giving all we can.
Oh, we’re so proud to be
Shorn of humanity,
In the great big Brotherhood Muslim!
No kiddin’! Is there really a Brotherhood…?
Yes, you’re a brother
Muslim?
You are a brother
On the level, a Brotherhood Muslim?
Oh yes, oh yes.
A band that seeks to bind
All human hearts and minds
Into one Brotherhood Muslim
Just forget about being free
Keep a-givin’ each Brother all you can
Oh aren’t you…
You, you’re not free;
Us, we got you, you!
Hear that muezzin keening,
Towards Mecca you’re leaning,
Now your life has meaning,
Oh Brother!
You, you’re not free;
Us, we got you, you!
Just forget about being free.
Keep a-givin’ each Brother all you can.
Close your eyes and you’ll be
In the Ummah with me,
The great big Brotherhood Muslim!
Buzz Ballad: Angry Muslims/Western Palsy
—with apologies to Paul McCartney and “Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey”
We’re so sorry, angry Muslims
We’re so sorry if we caused you any pain
We’re so sorry, angry Muslims
But too many of you live here
And we fear you’ll riot again
We’re so sorry we allowed free speech its say
We’re so sorry, angry Muslims
So we think the best course is apologize for everything
We’re so sorry, angry Muslims
So we’ll show that we listen to what you say
We’re so sorry, angry Muslims
If we grovel before you perhaps your rage will go away
Fatwas ‘cross the water (water)
Heads roll by and by
Fatwas ‘cross the water (water)
Heads roll by and by
Western palsy is showing me
If we don’t show a firm hand soon we won’t be free
Leaders all making worthless apologies and I don’t know why
(the apologies are worthless and I really don’t know why)
Fatwas ‘cross the water (water)
Heads roll by and by
Fatwas ‘cross the water (water)
Heads roll by and by
Live like men and let some courage get around (get around)
Get your knees up off the ground
Let some courage get around
Live like men and let some courage get around (get around)
Get your knees up off the ground
Let some courage get around
Fatwas ‘cross the water (water)
Heads roll by and by
Fatwas ‘cross the water (water)
Heads roll by and by
Ooo————ooo————-
‘Day of Infamy’ Speech — Updated
On September 11, 2012—a date which will live in infamy—the diplomatic facilities of the United States of America were suddenly and deliberately attacked by the incited forces of the Muslim Brotherhood.
The United States has acted to facilitate the Muslim Brotherhood takeovers in Libya and Egypt, and was proceeding with the bribery and appeasement of its leaders looking towards the maintenance of peace in the Middle East.
Indeed, even after the riotous mob had breached the wall of our Cairo embassy, struck our flag, and raised the black flag of al Qaeda over our embassy on the anniversary of al Qaeda’s most ruthless attack on American soil, the American ambassador issued a groveling statement which apologized for the American exercise of free speech, one of the principles upon which our country is based.
It will be recorded that the date upon which our facilities were assaulted and the insignificance of the alleged provocation makes it obvious that the attacks were deliberately planned many days or even weeks ago. During the intervening time the United States government deliberately deceived itself as to the false friendship it enjoyed with the Muslim militants and the hope for continued peace.
The attack yesterday upon our diplomatic posts has caused severe damage to the morale of Americans and of the American diplomatic service. I regret to tell you that four American lives have been lost. In addition, American prestige has been damaged throughout the world.
The Muslim Brotherhood is also active in Syria, in Tunisia, in Algeria, in Europe, and here at home in the continental United States. The facts of yesterday and today speak for themselves. The people of the United States have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our nation.
As Commander-in-Chief of the Army and Navy, I have already announced in the writings attributed to me that where there is a controversy regarding Muslims, I will stand with the Muslims. Accordingly, while I have issued an empty condemnation, I have directed that no actual measures will be taken to address the onslaught against us beyond the most pro forma protections for our other diplomatic facilities.
No matter how distasteful it may be to the people of the nation I was elected to lead, the principle of appeasement must not be abandoned. The American people, in contradiction to their character, must learn the ways of submission.
I believe I interpret the will of my party in Congress and a portion of the people when I assert that we will not only decline to take decisive action but will make it very certain that this form of treachery shall repeatedly threaten us in the future.
Hostilies exist. We will, however, ignore them regardless of the fact that our people, our territory and our interests are in grave danger.
With contempt for our armed forces, with the unbounding determination to bow before tyrants, we will aid our adversaries in their quest to gain the inevitable triumph, so help Me.
I ask that the Congress declare that in light of the unprovoked and dastardly attack by the Muslim Brotherhood on Tuesday, September 11, 2012, a strongly-worded letter will be sent by the United States to the Muslim Brotherhood.
—President Barack Hussein Obama
Buzz Ballad: A Modern Liberal Democrat
A Modern Liberal Democrat
–with apologies to Gilbert & Sullivan and “A Modern Major-General”
I am the very model of a modern liberal Democrat
I’ve spread out ‘cross the nation from my native campus habitat
I know our shabby history of policies discriminate
And think we should apologize from now until the infinite
I look upon myself as a citizen international
I think restricting entry of illegals is irrational
I take care always to show elevated moral attitude
And speak with unimpeachable political correctitude
And speak with unimpeachable political correctitude
And speak with unimpeachable political correctitude
And speak with unimpeachable political correcti-rectitude
Though not myself religious I will talk of spirituality
I worship at the shrine of income and gender equality
I support racial set-asides, preferences, and bureaucrats
I am the very model of a modern liberal Democrat
He supports racial set-asides, preferences, and bureaucrats
He is the very model of a modern liberal Democrat
I reject the notion that Al-Qaeda wants to form a Caliphate
We’d rapidly end differences if we would just negotiate
I think we should do more to prevent other nations’ genocide
But if we use our military I’ll support the other side
I second-guess every decision strategic and tactical
I support our troops in every way, as long as it’s not practical
Our army should not engage in perilous foreign adventure
So I oppose on principle each new defense expenditure
So I oppose on principle each new defense expenditure
So I oppose on principle each new defense expenditure
So I oppose on principle each new defense expend-expenditure
I think that women should have choices when they’re faced with pregnancy
But there is one choice over others I view preferentially
In short, supporting set-asides, preferences, and bureaucrats
I am the very model of a modern liberal Democrat
In short, supporting set-asides, preferences, and bureaucrats
I am the very model of a modern liberal Democrat
But when I have shed my nostalgic dreams of a revolution
When I know government’s the problem more than the solution
When I realize there’s no way that we can fund Social Security
With so much of our population having reached maturity
When I have learnt taxation doesn’t create private sector jobs
When I stop using tax grants as a way to buy votes from the mob
In short, when I have shorn some of my more blatant hypocrisies
You might actually see me begin to support democracy
You might actually see me begin to support democracy
You might actually see me begin to support democracy
You might actually see me begin to support democra-mocracy
Still the economic knowledge which I’ve clung to from my early teens
Says, “To each who wants it must come from each person who has got the means”
And so, supporting set-asides, preferences, and bureaucrats
I am the very model of a modern liberal Democrat
And so, supporting set-asides, preferences, and bureaucrats
I am the very model of a modern liberal Democrat
Buzz Ballad: Jerusalem
—apologies to William Blake and “Jerusalem”
And did those feet, ere election
Once walk before the Western Wall?
And did the president-to-be
E’en then plan Netanyahu’s fall?
Did his anti-colonial mind
Then clench the fist of his left hand
And dream Jerusalem held entire
By murderous Palestinians?
“Bring me my club of foreign aid!
“Bring appeasement to the UN!
“Bring a blind eye now to al-Qaed’!
“Bring the old borders up again!
“I will not cease to temporize
“Nor oppose nuclear Iran
“Till Arabs wrest Jerusalem
“From Israel’s devastated land.”
Buzz Ballad: Empty Chair
—apologies to Hoagy Carmichael and “Rockin’ Chair”
Ol’ empty chair’s got me—it injures my pride
Can’t run on my record of failures I can’t hide.
National debt’s climbin’ to the stratosphere
And at the top of it, there sits an empty chair.
Oh, my GM bailout, and my cash to cronies
Stimulated nothing but a torrent of bankruptcy
It’s a dismal record; Election day is near
And I’m just an empty chair…
Modern Scripture
Acorn 8, Eric Holder Version
1 Chicago Jesus went unto the Hill of Capitol.
2 And early in the morning he came again into the Capitol, and all the Congress came unto him; and he held forth, and lectured them.
3 And the states and governors brought unto him a woman taken in voter fraud; and when they had set her in the midst,
4 They say unto him, Master, this woman was taken in voter fraud, in the very act.
5 Now passage of our law commanded us, that such should be punished: but what sayest thou?
6 This they said, tempting him, that they might have to accuse him. But Chicago Jesus stooped down, and with his finger wrote an executive order, as though he heard them not.
7 So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without picture ID among you, let him first cast indictment at her.
8 And again he stooped down, and wrote executive orders.
9 And they which heard it, being convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one, beginning at the eldest, even unto the last: and Chicago Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst.
10 When Chicago Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee?
11 She said, No man, Lord. And Chicago Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and vote many times more.
Buzz Ballad: Mr. Sandman
—apologies to P. Ballard, the Chordettes and “Mr. Sandman”
Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
Mr. Sandman, you wrote a “Dream”
(Bum, bum, bum, bum)
But your composites were less than they seemed
(Bum, bum, bum, bum)
You promised lots of hope and changing
(Bum, bum, bum, bum)
But we don’t like your social rearranging
Sandman, we’re being boned
(Bum, bum, bum, bum)
By government, we’d rather stand on our own
(Bum, bum, bum, bum)
We want to repeal your healthcare scheme
Mr. Sandman, we reject your dream
Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum…
Mr. Sandman, you wrote a dream
But your composites were less than they seemed
You promised lots of hope and changing
But we don’t like your social rearranging
Sandman, we’re being boned
By government, we’d rather stand on our own
We want to repeal your healthcare scheme
Mr. Sandman, we reject your dream
Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum
Mr. Sandman (Yes?) it’s evident
Your ego’s too big for you to be President
You should regard your sand-sculpture’s erosion
Symbolizing your Presidency’s implosion
Mr Sandman, we want to hold
(We want to hold)
What we have earned in life for when we are old
We want to repeal your healthcare scheme
Mr Sandman, we reject, yes, yes reject
Mr Sandman, we reject your dream
Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum…
Buzz Ballad: A Portrait Sculpted of Sand
—apologies to Pat Boone and to Patsy Cline, and “Love Letters in the Sand”
To start the Convention
Democrats hailed The One
With a portrait sculpted of sand
Ah, but the elements
Eroded and put dents
In their portrait sculpted of sand
A monument worthy of a
Tin-pot dictator
Is as close as he’ll get to
A portrait on Rushmore
May his Presidency
Like this gross tribute, be
Just a portrait sculpted of sand
A monument worthy of a
Tin-pot dictator
Is as close as he’ll get to
A portrait on Rushmore
May his Presidency
Like this gross tribute, be
Just a portrait sculpted of sand
Buzz Ballad: Valerie
—apologies to Richard Thompson, and “Valerie”
Oh Valerie! You got Obama’s ear
Oh Valerie! You control what he hears
Born in Iran with a Communist past
If the public knew about you they’d be aghast
The way you control the President and First Lady
Well they’re wait, wait, waiting on Valerie
Hey Valerie! She was part of a ring
Valerie! That built public housing
Collected immense subsidy sums
For shoddy buildings, instant slums
Lots of poor tenants now living in misery
After en-, en-, enriching Valerie
If you’re in the West Wing, better genuflect
To all of her whims, wherever she directs
If you don’t, never you fear
In a twinkling you’ll find yourself out on your ear
Yes, she’ll have you thrown out on your ear
Oh Valerie! Oh Valerie! Oh Valerie!
Well Valerie! When bin Laden was found
Valerie! You turned the mission down
Three different times you nixed the “gutsy call”
Now Obama runs around spiking that football
Oblivious that he risked popularity
By wait, wait, waiting for Valerie
She is unvetted and uncontrolled
Wields massive power through a personal hold
Isn’t it disturbing that such as she
Can determine the President’s policy?
Foreign and domestic policy?
Oh Valerie! No-one knows what she do
Valerie! She’s paid by me and you
She quietly pulls strings behind the scenes
Nobody knows what’s behind the screen
Except that she’s Obama’s number one crony
We don’t need, need, need any more Valerie
Don’t need, need, need any more Valerie
We don’t need, need, need any more Valerie
Valerie! Oh Valerie! Well! Whooo!
Buzz Ballad: The Ballad of Joe Soptic
The laid-off Joe Soptic says Romney’s to thank
For his wife’s cancer death and his debts at the bank
But the skeptics sensed Soptic’s sob story was rank
And threw Soptic’s sob story into the septic tank
Joe was a steel man with a job at the mill
And made for himself a good living
But when hard times came the steel jobs were killed
And Joe Soptic’s most unforgiving
The laid-off Joe Soptic says Romney’s to thank
For his wife’s cancer death and his debts at the bank
But the skeptics sensed Soptic’s sob story was rank
And threw Soptic’s sob story into the septic tank
The mill where Soptic worked went right down the drain
And though Bain tried to turn it around
You can’t run a business with more loss than gain
So unemployed Joe himself found
Chorus
Five years later, sadly, doctors found Joe’s wife
Was suffering from cancer’s late stages
Right after diagnosis, she lost her life
And Joe felt that this was outrageous
Chorus
Joe set about looking for someone to blame
For the fact that his wife had to go
And decided it had all been the fault of Bain
And Mitt Romney, once Bain’s CEO
Chorus
Yes, Soptic blamed Romney, though Romney had left
Bain long before Joe’s plant was shuttered
A brief look shows that Joe’s story is quite bereft
Of any truth in what he uttered
Chorus
Joe Soptic says his wife was uninsured
And that’s what left her in a pickle
He could have put her on his plan, but demurred
In order to save a few nickels
Chorus
But Obama’s campaign, with a record of fail
Decided to smear their opponent
And used Soptic’s fabricated fairy tale
In hope that they could seize the moment
Chorus
Yes, Obama’s campaign has worked hard to retail
A story which they knew was truthless
But, when you must run on a record of fail
You see no downside to being ruthless
Chorus
One can—perhaps—pity Soptic for his lies
When he said Romney was to blame
But honest Americans all should despise
How Obama attacked Romney’s name
The laid-off Joe Soptic says Romney’s to thank
For his wife’s cancer death and his debts at the bank
But the skeptics sensed Soptic’s sob story was rank
And threw Soptic’s sob story into the septic tank
Buzz Ballad: Obama
—apologies to the Steve Miller Band and “The Joker”
Some people call me the Lightworker, yeah
Some call me the Gangster of Choom
Some people call me the POTUS (woo! woo!)
And I’m the smartest guy in every room
People talkin’ ’bout the economy
They say I’m doin’ you wrong
But don’t you worry, don’t you worry, ’bout that nest egg, baby
‘Cause you won’t have it very long
‘Cause I’m a taxer, I’m a scammer
I’m an economic slammer
And now that I am The Man
I’m gonna rip and gonna tear
Make the rich pay “their fair share”
Along the Cloward-Piven plan
Took a great big pile of stimulus money
Handed it to cronies for “green energy”
Spending, spending, spending on the taxpayers’ dime (woo! woo!)
Oh, I show myself and show my wife a good time
‘Cause I’m a taxer, I’m a scammer,
I’m an economic slammer
And now that I am The Man
I’m gonna party with my cronies
While you nibble on baloney
Salvaged from the garbage can
People talkin’ ’bout the economy
They say I’m doin’ you wrong
But don’t you worry, don’t you worry, ’bout that nest egg, baby
‘Cause you won’t have it very long
Took a great big pile of stimulus money
Handed it to cronies for “green energy”
Spending, spending, spending on the taxpayers’ dime (woo! woo!)
Oh, I show myself and show my wife a good time
Buzz Ballad: Barry the Choomer
—apologies to Cab Calloway and “Minnie the Moocher”
Folks, now, here’s a story ’bout Barry the Choomer
He is a tail-end Baby Boomer
He slacked off on his schooling everywhere he went
But he rode his race to the office of President
High-de-high-de-high
Blow-de-blow-de-blow
Sleazy sleazy sleazy sleazy
Chi-ca-go
He hung out with all of the Marxist academics
Used a Teleprompter to make populist polemics
His economic policies made misery everywhere
So he tried class war on “millionaires and billionaires”
Lie-de-lie-de-lie
No-no-no-de-grow
Squeezy squeezy squeezy squeezy
Lots of show
The process of governing was way beyond his talents
So he ignored the Constitution’s check and balance
Instead of passing a budget for every year
He ran the national debt up to the stratosphere
Buy-de-buy-de-buy
Who cares where it goes?
Just show me another rathole
Where cash I can throw
Now he’s spending madly so he can win re-election
Wants four more years to bring his policies to perfection
Even if the damage he’s done only makes you squirm
Just imagine what he’ll wreak if there’s a second term
Cry-cry-cry-de-cry
No-no-no-de-no
Vote-de-vote-de-vote-de-votey
Out he goes
Buzz Ballad: Bunch of Gays Went Down to Georgia
—apologies to Charlie Daniels and “The Devil Went Down to Georgia“
Bunch of gays went down to Georgia, they were lookin’ for a Chick-Fil-A
They’d got all bent ’cause its President liked marriage the old-fashioned way.
They drove right up to the window, under their collars they were hot
And they said to the girl takin’ orders there, “We don’t like the chicken in your pot.
“Now girlie, you may not know it but we’re a bunch of militants
“And while we insist on our own liberty, we don’t like Dan Cathy’s stance.
“So we’re gonna have a kiss-in here just to show our contempt for you
“‘Cause nobody nowhere nohow can criticize what gay folks do.”
The girl spoke back right smart at them, and didn’t damn their eyes,
But said, “I think you’ll change your mind when you try our waffle fries.”
Chick-Fil-A, fire up the grill and spread that chicken spice
See if you can make militant gays learn how to act real nice;
Everybody has free speech, that’s how this country’s made
Maybe you’ll sweeten their dispositions with a glass of lemonade.
The gays all piled out of their car and locked in an embrace
A couple guys with tattoos started in to gnaw each other’s face
But no-one paid them any mind, although they acted rude
They practically were trampled by folks looking to buy food.
They writhed and gripped hard as they could, but it was no big deal
‘Cause Chick-Fil-A was swamped with people clamoring for a meal
They yelled, “Gimme a spicy sandwich, do
“Gimme a drink, waffle fries too
“Whether you’re for gay marriage or not
“We don’t care for kiss-ins or boycotts.”
The militants were angry ’cause they knew that they’d been beat
They were about to get into their car and drive off in defeat
They knew they’d really lost when one of them came back outside,
Saying, “Hey, guys, you know this sandwich? It’s the best I’ve ever tried.”
They yelled, “Gimme a spicy sandwich, do
“Gimme a drink, waffle fries too
“Whether you’re for gay marriage or not
“We don’t care for kiss-ins or boycotts.”
Buzz Ballad: The Mosque Upon the Mount
For Yom Yerushalayim:
Mohammed rode the night horse, or so the Korans say
Mohammed rode the night horse to a mosque so far away
And his followers the Muslims, coming after his death, claim
That the mosque upon the Mount is the mosque the Koran names.
Never mind the mosque upon the Mount was never even there
At the time Mohammed—so they claim—took his ride in the air.
Never mind the mosque upon the Mount was built in later days—
Mere factual reality did ne’er a Muslim faze.
Broadcast on Al-jazeera, in the seething Arab street,
Are echoed calls to Muslims that they must not retreat
That they must not cede unto the Jews they hold of no account
Possession of the Mountain and the mosque upon the Mount.
The Muslims lost the mosque and lost the Mount on which it stands
A foolish choice was made then that it stay within their hands
And feverishly ever they work so as to erase
The record of the Temple there—which must take pride of place.
The world stands by complacent at the Mount destruction news—
When cared the nations for the holy places of the Jews?
But bad though the nations’ silence be, the silence that is worse
Is that of Jews who stand by as the destruction occurs.
Why should a people conquered justly through the force of arms
Be permitted to retain a symbol that does lasting harm?
Why should the conquered be allowed to rule the Temple Mount
And by this hold their conquerors to be of no account?
The mosque upon the Mount is beautiful, or so they say
But like the earlier Temple, it also may pass away—
The mosque was built to show who’d conquered many years ago;
The reason it was raised is also why it now must go.
O Jews, who claim Jerusalem is still your capital
How can you claim this when the Mountain still remains in thrall?
It is in thrall by your consent. Jerusalem will be
Your capital united when the Mount has been set free.
Buzz Ballad: Whenas Entitl’d My Julia Goes
—with apologies to Robert Herrick, and “Whenas In Silks My Julia Goes”
Whenas entitl’d my Julia goes
Then, then (methinks) how greatly grows
The economy’s woeful throes
Next, when I cast my eyes and see
The bills for things promised as free,
Oh, how the President’s taken me!
Buzz Ballad: I Got Bin Laden
—apologies to Bob Marley and “I Shot the Sheriff”
I got bin Laden
Is there anyone awesome as me?
I got bin Laden
But would not if I were Mitt Romney
All around the USA
I’m bragging left and right
Because Osama bin Laden’s dead
In a SEAL firefight
I say…
I got bin Laden
Well, it really was the Navy SEALS
I got bin Laden
Where are the adulatory squeals?
I never served in the military
Nor was tested in my life
The most difficult thing I ever did
Was contradict my wife
I say…
I got bin Laden
Though I was not involved in the plan
I got bin Laden
And I’ll broadcast from Afghanistan
Though now I’ll claim that personally
I nailed up his hide
The word is out from Washington
I took sixteen hours to decide
I say…
I got bin Laden
And I say that it’s a “gutsy call”
I got bin Laden
Remember election comes this fall
Even though Senator McCain said
Heroes don’t brag at all
Once more I take Osama’s head
And spike it like a football
I say…
I got bin Laden
Is there anyone awesome as me?
I got bin Laden
Please forget ’bout the economy…
Buzz Ballad: Al Armendariz
—apologies to Percy Bysshe Shelley, and “Ozymandias”
I met a traveler from southwestern lands
Who said, “There is a video upon
YouTube. An administrator, offhand,
Informs his underlings that every one
Of them in South Central, ‘neath his command
Must bend their ev’ry energy to try
To restrict the actions of companies
Which regulations let them crucify;
He gives those under him this knowing leer;
‘My name is Al Armendariz, Ph.D!
Look on our acts, businessmen, and despair!’
But he did not remain. He’s gone away
And from his career’s wreck, we are aware
Natural gas and tar sands wait to pay.”
Buzz Ballad: Under the Bus Wheels
—with apologies to the Drifters, and “Under the Boardwalk” , this last-campaign oldie is dedicated to Al Armendariz, lately of the EPA
Oh when the campaign heats up and reveals unpleasant truths
And even the papers can’t avoid reporting inconvenient proofs.
Under the bus wheels, away from me
Giving me deniability is where you’ll be.
(Under the bus wheels)
Safely hidden from view.
(Under the bus wheels)
I will sacrifice you.
(Under the bus wheels)
I will take the high road.
(Under the bus wheels)
You’ll be bearing the load under the bus wheels,
Bus wheels.
From the crowds you hear the happy sounds of the hopes I sell,
If you try to interfere with my pitch you won’t get a chance to tell.
Under the bus wheels, away from me
Giving me deniability is where you’ll be.
(Under the bus wheels)
Safely hidden from view.
(Under the bus wheels)
I will sacrifice you.
(Under the bus wheels)
I will take the high road.
(Under the bus wheels)
You’ll be bearing the load under the bus wheels,
Bus wheels.
Under the bus wheels, away from me
Giving me deniability is where you’ll be.
Under the bus wheels, away from me
Giving me deniability is where you’ll be.
Buzz Ballad: My Wife Needs So Many Things
—apologies to Rodgers & Hammerstein, and “My Favorite Things“
Celebrity chef meals and home spa massages
Sycophants to make up her entourages
Garish designer clothes covered in bling
Why is it my wife needs so many things?
A slavish press corps claiming that her grimaces
Display one of the world’s most lovely faces
The obedience that from fat children she wrings
Why is it my wife needs so many things?
Though she has got no formal occupation
Each few weeks she takes a lavish vacation
Yes, she has got her eyes on the cha-ching;
Why is it my wife needs so many things?
Late at night when
She wakes up and
Inward turns her eyes
She confronts the empty void where her soul should be
And resolves to super-Versailles!
Buzz Ballad: Holder Sillybillies
To the tune of the “Beverly Hillbillies” theme:
Come and watch the videos filmed by James O’Keefe
That he could vote as Eric Holder almost beggars the belief
But he walked into the polling place as bold as he could be
And told the watcher up front he didn’t have ID
Pix, that is.
Driver’s license, that kind of thing.
Well, the polling watcher told him, “Oh don’t you never mind
We don’t give a durn if your ID’s left behind—
If you say you’re who you are that’s good enough for me—”
But James kept it legal, said he’d go get ID
Proof, that is.
Be right back now, fast and furious…
An Immodest Proposal
What this country needs is not a good five-cent cigar (where, after all, could you smoke it in comfort?) but a new TV network. That might seem counterintuitive as Oprah’s OWN network hurtles to oblivion, but actually it is the Oprah failure which shows that a crying need—an unfulfilled market—actually exists.
What we need is the Politically InCorrect Network—the PIC Network. No, I’m not talking about revival of Bill Maher’s dreary show by that name; I’m talking about a network which shows, in rotation, nothing but material which currently does not appear on other networks for fear that it “might offend.” I’m talking about all those old films with black and Jewish and Irish and Italian and homosexual stereotypes—and all of the cartoons which also unapologetically contained such things.
I’m talking about films with Stepin Fetchit and Mantan Moreland. Warner Oland playing Charlie Chan. Mickey Rooney caricaturing a Japanese in Breakfast at Tiffany’s. John Barrymore trying to pretend to be a Jew in Counsellor at Law. Films—and TV shows—with ethnic jokes and sex jokes. I’m talking not only about the old Amos ‘n’ Andy TV show, but about practically any TV show that was done prior to about 1972, since these shows would have women who are unapologetically housewives and men who are breadwinners and who are not idiots or buffoons.
Let this stuff be available all around the clock, seven days a week, to anyone who wants to see it. Let people see how not-vicious most of it is; how silly it was, for the most part, intended to be; and how funny a lot of it remains. Let’s re-learn, as Americans, how to laugh again, and how to get over ourselves a little.
And, just by the way—the PIC Network would make a fortune. Yeah, there’s a lot of “old stuff” on TV now already—as “nostalgia.” Bah—who cares about nostalgia? Un-PC humor is more forbidden than pornography, by several orders of magnitude. Taboo TV would clean up.
Buzz Ballad: “The Road We’ve Traveled”
—apologies to Robert Frost and “The Road Not Taken”
Two visions exist for the public good;
Just one allows for unlimited growth
But some folks, if they had their way, would
Make you believe that if mixed, we could
Benefit and enjoy the best of both;
They say that everything must be “fair,”
By which they mean that the halt and lame
Must be guaranteed they will finish where
The rewards exist for the few who dare—
No matter how much we must crook the game.
The other vision is the more austere;
It says that we all must be free to climb
And each is most equal, and each man’s peer
If each chooses his own way without fear—
And this vision has stood the test of time.
So everyone, share with the citizenry
(There are some among us who might be dense);
Two visions exist for the good, and me—
I favor that which preserves liberty,
And that is how I choose my Presidents.
Buzz Ballad: Biden My Time
—apologies to George & Ira Gershwin and “Bidin’ My Time”
Some fellows love to improve their intellects
Some fellows compromise when the need’s plain
Some fellows try to exercise leadership
To keep the economy from going down the drain
But I’m Biden my time,
‘Cause that’s the kind of guy I’m,
I stick to ideology
Without apology,
Biden my time.
Next year, next year,
The economy will be Solyndra-ed,
This year, this year,
I’ve bailed out their kindred
‘Cause I’m Biden my time,
“Cause that’s the kind of guy I’m,
Borrow from the Chinese
To pay my cronies
Biden my time.
(Orchestral Interlude)
I’m Biden my time,
“Cause that’s the kind of guy I’m,
I prefer golf courses
To the armed forces
Biden my time.
Give me, give me,
Millionaires at a fundraiser
And you’ll see me
Focus like a laser
But I’m Biden my time,
On the taxpayers’ dime
I’m the President
But I’m indolent
Biden my time.
Buzz Ballad: The Damage Done
—apologies to Neil Young and “The Damage Done”
People voted so they would get some cash
Our taxes were Obama’s personal stash
Ooh, ooh, the damage done
In just three years the debt is half again
What it was when they swore him in back then
Gone, gone, the damage done
Promising everybody jobs so green
But instead of jobs the times stay lean
Class war to keep his base in line
I’ve seen Obama and the damage done
He’s broken faith with almost everyone
He’s worked to make this land a setting sun
Buzz Ballad: The Riddle Song (“I Gave My Love…”)
I gave my love a Congress that had no stones
I gave my love a national debt that is all we own
I gave my love a pension that had no worth
And government subsidies for terminating birth
How can there be a Congress that has no stones?
How can the national debt be all that we own?
How can the pension that I worked for retain no worth?
How can the government pay for terminating birth?
A Congress that will not stand up, it has no stones
The national debt dwarfs GDP, so it’s all we own
The pension was gambled away so that it has no worth
And it’s a mystery why government pays to prevent birth
Buzz Ballad: Chevy Volt
—with apologies to Sammy Johns and “Chevy Van”
You know that the economy was draggin’
Obama threw billions down the rathole
Abrogating bankruptcy law, fillin’ the unions’ flagon
Because a socialist economy was his end goal
So with tax money panderin’ to the mob
Claiming everyone would have green jobs
Assuming that the consumers were dolts
Obama came up with the Chevy Volt
As the car for you and me
It wasn’t really that affordable
It wasn’t anything you might desire
Didn’t go far even when the charge was full
And had a tendency to catch on fire
But with tax money panderin’ to the mob
And claimin’ everyone would have green jobs
Assuming that the consumers were dolts
Obama came up with the Chevy Volt
As the car for you and me
Turns out there are hidden subsidies
Each car costs almost a quarter mil—
No-one held to account for the amounts
But the unions all have a full till
But with tax money panderin’ to the mob
And claimin’ everyone would have green jobs
Assuming that the consumers were dolts
Obama came up with the Chevy Volt
As the car for you and me
But with tax money panderin’ to the mob
And claimin’ everyone would have green jobs
Assuming that the consumers were dolts
Obama came up with the Chevy Volt
As the car for you and me
Buzz Ballad: Western White House Land
—apologies to Felix Bernard, Richard Smith and “Winter Wonderland”
When the vacation works out
Watch them wring all the perks out
As soon as they reach that Waikiki Beach
Walkin’ there in Western White House Land
The vacation’s extended
Don’t ask how much they spended
For the First Lady
To fly separately
Walkin’ there in Western White House Land
On an island he thinks is in Asia
The President will stroll along the strand
He’ll do lots of nothing for some days, yeah
But show opponents the back of his hand
There’s nothing quite so thrillin’
As to spend some four million
In taxpayer cash, for your end-of-year bash
Walkin’ there in Western White House Land
Buzz Ballad: What a Wonderful World
—apologies to George Douglas & George David Weiss
I see hippies sleeping in the mess that they void
Risking the plague, cholera and typhoid
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
I see shell-shocked faces—perhaps they’re not stoned
But just added up all of their student loans
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
People protesting against corporate greed
Rely on those companies for all that they need
But they remain impervious, as you can see
To this basic and fundamental irony
I see riot police, brandishing their batons
Telling the “occupiers” they must move on
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
Yes, I think to myself, what a wonderful world
Buzz Ballad: The Cash of Romney
—apologies to “The Bells of Rhymney” by Pete Seeger
I should be the nominee,
Says the cash of Romney.
Stick a fork in, I’m done,
Trails poor Rick Santorum.
There should be no Fed at all,
Perennially shrills Ron Paul,
And who knows me? No-one,
Mourns the campaign of Johnson.
Why am I an also-ran?
Wonders clueless Bachmann.
Under my tax plan we’ll gain,
Still insists Herman Cain.
Of me do not be chary,
Pleads the stumbling Rick Perry
And I should be the nominee,
Says the cash of Romney.
I’m just the spare Mormon,
Says the bland Jon Huntsman.
My experience I’ll tout,
Self-promotes Speaker Newt.
The choices do not please me,
Grumbles the Tea Party,
And I should be the nominee,
Says the cash of Romney.
Buzz Ballad: The Streets of Manhattan
—apologies to “The Streets of Laredo“
As I walked out in the streets of Manhattan
As I walked out in Manhattan one day
I spied a rabble crying “Occupy Wall Street!”
And I drew near to hear what they had to say
I had to approach from a windward position
Handkerchief to nose and with tear-streaming eyes
Because of the stench that lay o’er the encampment
Where basic hygiene they most clearly despise
“Oh, where have you come from and why do you camp here?”
I asked the protesters with their hair like weeds
“Why, man, we have come from all over the nation,
To take a brave stand against corporate greed.”
“But are you not wearing an iPod and iPhone?
And are you not bearing a laptop as well?”
“Yes, but corporations are the root of evil
And if we succeed we’ll send them straight to hell.”
I asked by what right he claimed another’s property
Instead of going to work to gain some of his own?
“My Queer Studies BA,” said he, “keeps me unemployed—
And I still owe a hundred grand in student loans.”
I suggested that he perhaps alter his life plan
Take a job to tide over and then learn a trade
“Oh, no,” he replied, “that is far too difficult—
It’s much easier if all the world were re-made.”
Buzz Ballad: Send in the Thugs
—apologies to Stephen Sondheim and “Send in the Clowns“
Should you be rich
Or a Wall Streeter
Hippies are milling around
Saying you should “care”
Send in the thugs
Diffuse protests
Trying to feed
An astroturfed sense of outrage
Against “corporate greed.”
Where are the thugs?
Send in the thugs
Counting upon a press willfully blind
The demagogue in the White House leads from behind
Hoping the street theater of a ragtag rabble will
Convince Congress
To pass his bill
But the students
With puerile pranks
Proved not to be quite enough, and so their ranks
Were swelled with thugs
With paid union thugs
You can see they’re here
It is to laugh
It is to deride
Seeing the elements with which
Our president’s allied
Here are the thugs
You knew there’d be thugs
‘Cause to him they’re dear
Buzz Ballad: Class Warfare
Obama by several trillion errs
So he declares million- and billionaires
Should pay “their fair share”
To fund his health care
In rhetoric that he learned from williamaires
Obama’s “Bixby Letter” Opportunity
President Obama has been busily comparing himself to Lincoln of late. Perhaps he can take this opportunity to write his own version of the famous “Bixby Letter” which Lincoln sent to a mother who had allegedly lost five sons during the Civil War:
Executive Mansion,
Washington, September 2011
Dear Madam,
I have been shown in the files of the United Nations a statement by the UNRWA that you are the mother of five sons, one dead and four now serving lengthy sentences for killing Israelis.
I feel how weak and fruitless must be any word of mine which should attempt to beguile you from the grief of a loss so overwhelming. But I cannot refrain from tendering you the consolation that may be found in the thanks of the imminent terrorist state they worked to bring about.
May the Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, intercede before Allah to assuage the anguish of your bereavement, and leave you only the cherished memory of the loved and lost, and the solemn pride that must be yours to have laid so costly a sacrifice upon the altar of genocide.
Yours, very sincerely and respectfully,
Barack Hussein Obama
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