Get PJ Media on your Apple

The PJ Tatler

Buzzsawmonkey

Follow :

Buzz Ballad: Illegals Are Here To Stay

Thursday, July 17th, 2014 - by Buzzsawmonkey

Illegals Are Here to Stay
—by Harry and the Leftists, with apologies to Danny and the Juniors and Rock and Roll Is Here To Stay

Illegals are here to stay
They will never leave
We’ve opened up the USA
All you can do is grieve
We don’t care what the voters say
Illegals are here to stay
(We don’t care what the voters say
Illegals are here to stay)

Illegals want stuff that’s free
The budgets we’ll distend
And so we’ll squeeze the citizenry
So we can tax and spend
Illegals want stuff that’s free
So we will squeeze the citizenry
(Illegals want stuff that’s free
So we will squeeze the citizenry)

So come on,
Everyone import
Everyone import
Everyone import
Everyone import
Everyone import

Now everybody import votes
Everybody import votes
Everybody import votes
Everybody import votes
Everybody import votes

Illegals want stuff that’s free
The budgets we’ll distend
And so we’ll squeeze the citizenry
So we can tax and spend
Illegals want stuff that’s free
So we will squeeze the citizenry

If you don’t want illegals
You’ll get them anyway
We connived to import them all
And won’t send them away
We’re gonna cram ‘em down your throat
‘Cause we need to import votes.

Anchor babies yeah
Anchor babies yeah
Anchor babies yeah
Anchor babies yeah…

Read bullet |

Buzz Ballad: Stopping By Taliban in a Desertion

Monday, June 2nd, 2014 - by Buzzsawmonkey

Stopping By Taliban in a Desertion
—Bowe Bergdahl, with apologies to Robert Frost and “Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening”

Whose huts these are I think I know
I’ll stop and try out my Pashto
Perhaps I’ll linger for some years
Rather than back to my base go

My military buddies near
Will wonder why I don’t appear
And question if by some mistake
My wanderings have led me here.

My father has another take
Thinks that democracy’s a fake
And that all of our Western feats
Are an historical mistake

Gitmo terrorists are released
And my father removes his tweets
Obama leads us to defeat
Obama leads us to defeat

Read bullet |

Buzz Ballad: Give the Kids a Ritz

Thursday, November 21st, 2013 - by Buzzsawmonkey

“Manitoba Mom Gives Kids Homemade Lunch, School Forces Them to Eat Ritz Crackers”
News item

 

Give the Kids a Ritz!
—apologies to Irving Berlin and “Puttin’ on the Ritz”

Have you seen what the staff did
With their group of daycare kids?
Their panties got in a bunch
Over what kids brought for lunch!
They found roast beef and carrots
To have insufficient merit
And instead complained
‘Cause there wasn’t a grain!

If you’re sending your kids over
To daycare in Manitoba
Avoid staff fits
Have kids bring a Ritz!
Don’t you even think to try for
Any other source of fiber
They’ll insist
Have kids bring a Ritz!
Lest children become fat or distended
They’ll stick to what government recommended
And defend it
So be forewarned when you pack lunches
Never follow your own hunches
When choosing bits—
Give the kids a Ritz!

Read bullet |

Buzz Ballad: I Won’t Take That Away From You

Tuesday, November 5th, 2013 - by Buzzsawmonkey

I Won’t Take That Away From You
—apologies to George and Ira Gershwin, and “They Can’t Take That Away From Me”

The way that you’re insured
The doctor that you knew
I promise are secured—
No, no, I won’t take that away from you

No matter what websites
Or brand-new plans we do
Since healthcare is your right
No, no, I won’t take that away from you

Educated women, clever men
Are working out our plans
Read twenty-five hundred pages,
You’ll see at a glance

I’m telling you straight out
That my promise is true
And that without a doubt
No, no, I won’t take that away from you
No, I won’t take that away from you…

Read bullet |

Buzz Ballad: “Fix the Website”

Friday, November 1st, 2013 - by Buzzsawmonkey

“Fix the Website”
—apologies to Johnny Horton and “Sink the Bismarck”

In winter of two thousand nine, Democrats riding high
Said “Health insurance is something that everyone should buy—
Letting folks choose plans on their own is really most outrageous
Let’s pass mandates without reading what is written on the pages.”

The President went on TV and swore repeatedly
“This is the crowning achievement of my presidency;
Of cavil and objections I don’t want to hear a peep
If your doctor or your plan you like then those are things you keep.”

“I don’t see why Republicans are making such a fuss; 
“We just must fix the website,” said Kathleen Sebelius
“You will have healthcare savings like before you never found
“After we fix the website—but right now the site is down.”

Obamacare became the law and almost right away
Folks petitioned to postpone having to live ‘neath its sway
The president’s supporters were waived expeditiously
But citizens were treated like they were the peasantry

After three years of waiting then citizens got their chance;
Obamacare’s website was poised to greet the avalanche
How many people came and signed up? The answer no one knows,
‘Cause every time somebody tried to sign the website froze.

“I don’t see why Republicans are making such a fuss; 
“We just must fix the website,” said Kathleen Sebelius
“You will have healthcare savings like before you never found
“After we fix the website—but right now the site is down.”

Across the land the cries of outrage grew and grew and swelled
“You’ve sent us to a website that is like the pit of hell—
“We’ve lost the insurance we liked because of your mandates
“And even if we can sign on we don’t like the raised rates!”

“No problem,” said the government, “We soon will have it fixed.”
Americans roared back, “Do you think we’re a bunch of hicks?
“The website’s not the problem, it’s Obamacare itself—
“Just repeal this law and put the idea back on the shelf.”

“I don’t see why Republicans are making such a fuss; 
“We just must fix the website,” said Kathleen Sebelius
“You will have healthcare savings like before you never found
“After we fix the website—but right now the site is down.”

“I don’t see why Republicans are making such a fuss; 
“We just must fix the website,” said Kathleen Sebelius
“You will have healthcare savings like before you never found
“After we fix the website—but right now the site is down.”

Read bullet |

Buzz Ballad: Obama Family

Thursday, October 31st, 2013 - by Buzzsawmonkey

Obama Family
—apologies to “The Addams Family” and its theme song

They’re racist and reclusive,
Their records are elusive,
Media praise? Effusive—
Obama Family.

Their house is closed to touring
The high life they’re preferring
Their contempt is enduring
Obama Family.

(Rude)
(Crude)
(Fat Food)

The economy’s crawlin’
The debt roof’s gonna fall in
Contemplate the appallin’
Obama Family.

Read bullet |

Buzz Broadside: Matt Damon vs. Eliza Doolittle

Tuesday, August 13th, 2013 - by Buzzsawmonkey

The only reason anyone has any interest in Matt Damon’s recent comments about keeping his kids out of public school is that Damon was catapulted to stardom by a movie—Good Will Hunting—which appears to be about education.  But that film is not about education; indeed, it is anti-education. It is interesting to consider Damon’s film Good Will Hunting in contrast to My Fair Lady and Shaw’s play Pygmalion, on which My Fair Lady is based.

In Pygmalion, and My Fair Lady, Eliza Doolittle wants to better herself—become more than a drab, indigent flower girl selling violets in the street—and realizes that it is her speech that is holding her back. She becomes the student of Professor Henry Higgins, who teaches her language, grammar and deportment, so that she can eventually rise out of the class she was born into. The original play, and the musical based on it, differ as to whom Eliza ultimately falls in love with, and to the quickness of her adaptation to what she is taught, but ultimately both have the same message; with work and a desire to master new skills, one can rise beyond one’s original station.

Good Will Hunting stands in sharp opposition to this message, as the “anti-Pygmalion.” Damon’s character does not want to rise—indeed, he’s terrified of the prospect. He only does so because his best friend, played by Ben Affleck, who is smart enough to feel trapped but not smart enough to be able to do anything about it, tells him in no uncertain terms to get lost and make use of his natural gifts. Throughout the film, he is actually doing everything he can to remain a common slob and to avoid rising in the world, even as people come rushing up to him with fistfuls of offers to better himself. In the end, he does not follow his desire to better himself—he has none—but merely follows his gonads to go after the woman he’s hot for.

While Shaw himself was Irish, his play, and the musical based on it, were very American in spirit, in that they endorsed ambition and hard work in pursuit of the desire to rise as leading to a better life. Damon’s film does nothing of the kind. He does not work at his mathematical ability; he is a “natural genius,” with a surly class-ridden attitude, who wants to stay in his lumpen class. He only allows himself to entertain the possibility of permitting his native abilities to give him something better than the slob life he loves because that will get him the hot babe he wants.

I would say Good Will Hunting is an anti-American film—it certainly is, compared to Pygmalion and My Fair Lady—but perhaps those earlier works encapsulate an America which is, in fact, dead, and the surly slob in search of a hot babe, who hates his own abilities, which Damon portrays, is indeed the face of the new America—in which case, God help us.

Read bullet |

Buzz Ballad: A Rodeo Clown

Tuesday, August 13th, 2013 - by Buzzsawmonkey

A Rodeo Clown
—apologies to Smokey Robinson and “Tears of a Clown”

Now if there’s a mask on my face
You wouldn’t think that threatened the republic
But this time the mask that I chose portrayed
A President who treats citizens as subjects
And though my choice needed no permission
‘Cause it’s part of free speech tradition
Some folks got mad, oh, madder than mad
They complained and they wanted me canned
Demanded as a clown I be banned

Some folks are politically correct
But I ask you, who’d expect
That they’d ban a clown from the rodeo grounds?

Uh huh, oh yeah, baby

Now it needs no stretch of memory
To recall folks who viewed Bush with detestation
Used masks to mock him frequently
Even made a film that showed his assassination
Ain’t it funny just how out they’re put now
When the shoe’s on the other foot now?
Can’t stand mockery, oh it seems to me
When a joke requires bravery
That puts us too close to slavery, oh yeah

Some folks are politically correct
But I ask you, who’d expect
That they’d ban a clown from the rodeo grounds?

You know you’re far too dour by half
If you can’t accept with a laugh
That a part of being free
Is unfettered mockery
So don’t ban a clown
From the rodeo grounds, oh yeah baby baby

Now if there’s a mask on my face
My choice should need no permission
‘Cause it’s part of free speech tradition
Don’t let this mask I’m wearin’
Let some folks act overbearin’
And get me canned…
It’s time to take a stand…

Read bullet |

Buzz Ballad: Just Stand Your Ground

Thursday, July 18th, 2013 - by Buzzsawmonkey

Just Stand Your Ground
—apologies to Tammy Wynette and Billy Sherrill, and “Stand By Your Man”

You know, it’s hard to be a victim
When malefactors come around
It’s so insulting when they’re exulting
About the easy mark they’ve found
But the law allows you to take action
Before your face they start to pound
Thieves don’t want to linger
When they see your trigger finger
Instead they’ll run like a scared hound

Just stand your ground
Show that guy with pants a-droopin’
You’ve been working on your grouping
And you’ll cap his ass so bonely

Just stand your ground
His attitude will be adjusted
When it’s clear you’ll bust a couple rounds
Just stand your ground

Just stand your ground
His attitude will be adjusted
When it’s clear you’ll bust a couple rounds
Just stand your ground

Read bullet |

Buzz Ballad: ‘Let’s Not Talk About “Race”‘

Tuesday, July 16th, 2013 - by Buzzsawmonkey

—apologies to Cole Porter, and “Let’s Not Talk About Love”

My neighbors all spout the same drivel-idge
About how I’m enjoying “White Privilege”
I could talk about “race”—the topic’s hot
But some other things shouldn’t be forgot

So, let’s talk of Solyndra, and “green energy”
How investors robbed the public and then got off scot-free
Or how the President could be such a dolt
To underwrite production of GM’s Chevy Volt
Let’s fly into some rages ’bout Obamacare’s stages
And all the many thousands of its regulation pages
And think of how its ill effects will weigh on us for ages
But let’s not talk about “race.”

Let’s talk about “Fast,” “Furious” as well,
Holder walking automatic weapons to the cartels,
Let’s speak of our last Secretary of State,
The death of the Ambassador she left to his fate.
Let’s all of us get giddy-oh, ’bout what al-Qaeda did-eo—
Susan Rice flipped her lid-eo trying to blame a video
It’s true we still have no clue to what they are keeping hid-eo
But let’s not talk about “race.”

Let’s talk about jobs, and how they’ve declined—
How each month’s glowing report one week later unwinds.
Let’s talk of increased government giveaways
While we borrow from the Chinese at an increasing pace.
Why not discuss ascendancy of government dependency
And what the likely end will be continuing this tendency
Of over-regulation,
Unrestricted immigration,
“Comprehensive” legislation,
Executive usurpation,
Official dissimulation—
It makes one fear for the nation,
So let’s not talk about—

(Sigh)

If you drive a car, and fear new gas lines
Let’s discuss the stonewalling of the Keystone pipeline.
Or, if you wonder why more folks don’t protest
Let’s discuss the biased policies of the IRS.
My friends, the time at last has come
To leave low-info voterdom
And so instead of dwelling in
A world defined by melanin
Let’s talk of how there’s hell to pay
With OFA and the NSA
Data-mining every which way
Or how we cannot guarantee
Any election’s honesty without proper voter ID
Of topic’s there’s no dearth, you see
So let’s not talk about “race.”

Read bullet |

Buzz Ballad: ‘The IRS Examiners’ Ball’

Tuesday, June 4th, 2013 - by Buzzsawmonkey
—apologies to Shelton Brooks and “The Darktown Strutters Ball
I’ll come down on your tax-exempt status, honey
Better be ready for questions galore
There’s nothing you can ignore—
I want to know just what your members are prayin’
And, if ever you get through this honey
You’re gonna hit the audit wall
I’ll make you dance out of both your shoes
With inquiries you can’t refuse
For the next two years at the IRS examiners’ ball!

Read bullet |

Buzz Ballad: With the IRS in Cincinnati

Monday, June 3rd, 2013 - by Buzzsawmonkey

–apologies to “WKRP in Cincinnati” theme song

Baby, if you ever wondered,
Wondered whatever became of me
I’m with the IRS in Cincinnati
I’m what they call a “rogue employee.”

‘Cause fair administration of the tax laws
Is outdated as the Constitution
And anyone opposing the agenda
Will have bricks dumped upon them by the ton

I’m targeting the Tea Party in Cincinnati…

Read bullet |

Drummer Lee Rigby

Friday, May 24th, 2013 - by Buzzsawmonkey

—apologies to the Beatles and “Eleanor Rigby

Ah, look at all the British people
Ah, look at all the British people

Drummer Lee Rigby
Joined the Fusiliers and he became an infantryman
In Afghanistan
Returned from duty, and was redeployed for service in London town
Where he was cut down

All the British people
Where do they all come from?
All the British people
How will they get along?

Anjem Choudary
Preaching jihad ‘gainst his neighbors on the public’s dime
All of the time
Look at him speaking, inciting people to kill in the name of his god
Isn’t that odd?

All the British people
Where do they all come from?
All the British people
How will they get along?

Ah, look at all the British people
Ah, look at all the British people

Drummer Lee Rigby
Cut down in the street by converts that Choudary inflamed
A bloody shame
Anjem Choudary
Claimed by the Koran Rigby’s murder could be justified
Look how he died

All the British people (Ah, look at all the British people)
Where do they all come from?
All the British people (Ah, look at all the British people)
How will they get along?

Read bullet |

Buzz Ballad: Get Me to Vegas On Time

Tuesday, February 19th, 2013 - by Buzzsawmonkey

Finally, the White House releases the Presidential conversation from 9/11/12:

Get Me to Vegas On Time
—apologies to Lerner & Loewe, and “Get Me to the Church On Time” 

There’s just a few more hours
You can’t be in a daze
A few more hours
And you’ll have to fundraise…

There’s dollars to be raised all over Vegas
And I’ve got to go after them in just a few more hours;

I am fundraising in the morning
Upwards my war-chest’s gonna climb
Although something nasty
Is going down in Benghazi
Get me to Vegas on time!

I’ve got to fly out in the morning
Campaigning on the taxpayers’ dime
So please, you must hold all
Ambassadors’ phone calls
And get me to Vegas on time!

If someone objects, then don’t you know
Susan Rice will just blame a video!

‘Cause I’ll be in Vegas in the morning
With my Teleprompter I will shine
Claiming we’ve made a
Shell out of al-Qaeda
Get me to Vegas on time

I can’t be bothered with sending drones
I’ll just deflect by saying that the facts weren’t known

Yes, I’ll be in Vegas in the morning
My derelictions are ne’er a crime
Somebody, hand down
Troops orders to stand down
Get me to Vegas on time

Leave our personnel to their own fate
It’s just some crazies who had to demonstrate

I’m flying to Vegas in the morning
Upwards my war-chest’s gonna climb
Each one of you all try
To be a good fall guy
And get me to Vegas
Get me to Vegas
For my sake get me to Vegas on time!

Read bullet |

Doo-Wah-Dignity-Dumb-Diddy-Doo

Friday, February 15th, 2013 - by Buzzsawmonkey

Doo-Wah-Dignity-Dumb-Diddy-Doo
—apologies to Manfred Mann, and “Doo-Wah-Diddy-Diddy-Dum-Diddy-Do”

There she was, in the halls of the Congress
Singin’ doo-wah-dignity dumb diddy doo!
Ignorin’ how the economy became a mess
Singin’ doo-wah-dignity dumb diddy doo!

She was a (Was a!)
Total fox (total fox!)
Thanks to gallons of botox!

She feels disrespected most every single day
Singin’ doo-wah-dignity dumb diddy doo!
It’s beneath her to be in Congress, but still she’s gonna stay
Singin’ doo-wah-dignity dumb diddy doo!

She wants to (wants to!)
Pass bills (pass bills!)
For Obama she’s a shill!

I know that we are deeply into national debt
And I realize that she hasn’t acknowledged it yet

Even though her party is in the minority
Singin’ doo-wah-dignity dumb diddy doo!
The news media still report on Nancy Pelosi
Singin’ doo-wah-dignity dumb diddy doo!

She wants more (wants more!)
More pay (more pay!)
But in Congress she’ll still stay!

I know that we are deeply into national debt
And I realize that she hasn’t acknowledged it yet

Even though her party is in the minority
Singin’ doo-wah-dignity dumb diddy doo!
The news media still report on Nancy Pelosi
Singin’ doo-wah-dignity dumb diddy doo!

She wants more (wants more!)
More pay (more pay!)
But in Congress she’ll still stay!
Whoa-oh-oh-oh, oh yeah
Doo-wah-dignity dumb diddy doo, we’ll sing it
doo-wah-dignity dumb diddy doo, oh yeah, oh, oh yeah
Doo-wah-dignity dumb diddy doo!

Read bullet |

Buzz Ballad: I’m NRA You Hate, I Am

Thursday, January 31st, 2013 - by Buzzsawmonkey

I’m NRA You Hate, I Am
—apologies to Herman’s Hermits, and “I’m Henry the Eighth, I Am”

I’m NRA you hate, I am
NRA you hate, I am, I am
I own guns and I want to buy more
You keep asking what I need ‘em for
But thanks to the Second Amendment (Amendment!)
It’s none of your business what I need (Indeed!)
Whether for sport or personal defendment
NRA you hate I a-a-a-a-am
NRA you hate I am

Second verse, same as the first!
A little bit louder, and a little bit worse!

I’m NRA you hate, I am
NRA you hate, I am, I am
I own guns and I want to buy more
You keep asking what I need ‘em for
But thanks to the Second Amendment (Amendment!)
It’s none of your business what I need (Indeed!)
Whether for sport or personal defendment
NRA you hate I a-a-a-a-am
NRA you hate I am

Read bullet |

Buzz Ballad: The Difference Made

Thursday, January 24th, 2013 - by Buzzsawmonkey

The Difference Made
—apologies to Neil Young and “The Damage Done”

I saw the night lit up in Benghazi
Ambassador killed by some jihadis
Ooh, ooh, the difference made

Saw public servants lie to try and show
The attack was due to a video
Lied, lied, the difference made

On TV watch the Secret’ry of State
Weasel, temporize and prevaricate
Smirking as she goes running out

I’ve seen both houses of the Congress played
With a rhetorical “What difference made?”
“Responsibility” is a charade..

Read bullet |

Buzz Ballad: Ban all the Guns

Thursday, January 24th, 2013 - by Buzzsawmonkey

Ban all the Guns
—apologies to Paul McCartney and “Band on the Run”

That Senator Feinstein thinks she’s mighty clever
Sure that she knows just what is best for you
Me and you, me and you…

What your rights are, she don’t care
Wants to take them all away
Doesn’t matter to her what the plain text
Of the Bill of Rights might say
No, the Senator doesn’t care
No, the Senator doesn’t care…

Well, she introduced a bill that she’s prepared, with a comprehensive list
And she’s hoping media hysteria intimidates those who would resist
Ban all the guns, ban all the guns
From the citizen, from the avid sportsman
She would strip them from everyone
Wants to ban all the guns, ban all the guns
Ban all the guns, ban all the guns

She wants to ensure the possibility of deadly force is only in government hands
She willfully ignores that criminals, perforce, will not comply with her ban
Ban all the guns, ban all the guns
From the citizen, from the avid sportsman
She would strip them from everyone
Wants to ban all the guns, ban all the guns
Ban all the guns, ban all the guns

The mad certainty of ideology leaves no room in her mind for doubt
As she exhorts her colleagues in the government to throw the Constitution out
Ban all the guns, ban all the guns
She will not be pleased until federal police
Are breaking down your door
Trying to ban all the guns, ban all the guns
Ban all the guns, ban all the guns

Read bullet |

‘Reason Not the Need:’ ‘Fair Share,’ the Second Amendment, Dependency, and King Lear

Wednesday, January 23rd, 2013 - by Buzzsawmonkey

In April 2010, during the midterm Congressional campaigns, Barack Obama famously remarked, “I think that, at a certain point, you’ve made enough money.”

This comment underlies his campaign against “millionaires and billionaires” to “make the rich pay their fair share.”  What the extent of this “fair share” is — and what the limits are that he contemplates on “enough” money — have never been defined. Nor will any definition ever be forthcoming, for what underlies this mindset is the notion that the government has the right to determine what, and how much, people “need,” and a profligate government will always “need” more from those who have.

The current debate over Second Amendment rights is couched by the Amendment’s defenders, rightly, in the language of defending the parameters of a fundamental right.  But what these defenders do not recognize — or, if they do recognize, have not often stated outright — is that the assault on the Second Amendment is couched in precisely the same terms of “need” that Obama has applied to income.  ”No-one needs ten bullets to kill a deer,” Governor Andrew Cuomo shrieked as he hastily rammed through his ill-considered gun law.  Various anti-gun commentators have asked why anyone needs a scary-looking “assault weapon” or high-capacity magazine.

The right to own something, merely because one wants to own it, is being reduced and re-defined by the gun-control advocates as something which must be justified on the basis of “need”; the entire purpose of the gun-control agitation is to further reduce the concept of personal sovereignty, defining down the right to own a weapon, just as the right to make (and keep) as much money as possible has already been effectively defined down as something to be measured and determined and ruled on by the government and not by the individual.

In King Lear, Lear relinquishes his crown and his sovereignty to the daughters who falsely profess their devotion to him and falsely swear to care for his well-being.  He soon finds that he who was used to command is utterly dependent and at the mercy of those who falsely promised to ensure his welfare. When he tries to get his man Kent released from the stocks in which one of his daughters has confined him, he is unable to do so:

Goneril:
Hear me, my lord;
What need you five and twenty, ten, or five,
To follow in a house where twice so many
Have a command to tend you?

Regan:
What need one?

King Lear:
O, reason not the need: our basest beggars
Are in the poorest thing superfluous:
Allow not nature more than nature needs,
Man’s life’s as cheap as beast’s:

—Shakespeare, King Lear, Act II, Scene IV

Like Regan and Goneril, the Democrats and the Left have professed their undying devotion to the welfare and well-being of Americans, so that Americans, like Lear, will relinquish their sovereignty on the promise that their needs will be looked after.  Many Americans have already fallen for this needs-based blandishment where income is concerned, on the theory that the money will come to them, and from somebody else.  They are now being asked to circumscribe a fundamental right on the basis that they should “reason the need” — but if they do so, they will find, like Lear found to his cost, that the circumscription will progressively diminish until it is revealed as loss, and that with this loss any pretense of their needs being attended to will also vanish.

Read bullet |

Buzz Ballad: Weapon Owners

Friday, January 18th, 2013 - by Buzzsawmonkey

A preview of Beyoncé’s performance at the inauguration:

Weapon Owners
—apologies to Beyoncé, and “Single Ladies”

Legal weapon owners, legal weapon owners
Legal weapon owners, legal weapon owners
Legal weapon owners, legal weapon owners
Legal weapon owners
Now give your guns up

Kids shot in school, breaking the rule that declared it a gun-free zone
No-one could fight back ‘gainst the crazy attack
Because they weren’t allowed to carry

But don’t protect, instead reject
A tried and tested solution
Just shed some tears, then play on fears
To make people less free

So if you like Second Amendment, just get over it
If you like Second Amendment, just get over it
Tearin’ the Constitution all to bits
So if you like Second Amendment, just get over it
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

If you like Second Amendment, just get over it
If you like Second Amendment, just get over it
Tearin’ the Constitution all to bits
If you like Second Amendment, just get over it

Goin’ after the clips, and the pistol grips
And the high-capacity magazines
Panic mode, gun rights erode
Don’t give people time to think

Nothing that’s proposed will act to dispose
Of any illegal weaponry
Nor will it prevent any new incident
Or avoid a future tragedy

But if you like Second Amendment, just get over it
If you like Second Amendment, just get over it
Tearin’ the Constitution all to bits
Yeah, if you like Second Amendment, just get over it
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

If you like Second Amendment, just get over it
If you like Second Amendment, just get over it
Tearin’ the Constitution all to bits
If you like Second Amendment, just get over it
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Don’t say we can act responsibly
And do what we think best
The government should tell us how we can serve

All of these restrictions, just fictions
That old men wrote in the Constitution, but that was very long ago
We know much better now, so let’s just disregard
And all these silly personal liberties willl be gone

Legal weapon owners, legal weapon owners
Legal weapon owners, legal weapon owners
Legal weapon owners, legal weapon owners
Legal weapon owners

Now give your guns up
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

‘Cause if you like Second Amendment, just get over it
If you like Second Amendment, just get over it
Tearin’ the Constitution all to bits
Yeah, if you like Second Amendment, just get over it
Oh, oh, oh

If you like Second Amendment, just get over it
If you like Second Amendment, just get over it
Tearin’ the Constitution all to bits
Yeah, if you like Second Amendment, just get over it

Oh, oh, oh

Read bullet |

Buzz Ballad: The Newest, Predicted, Federal, Needless Gun-Grab—Like New York

Wednesday, January 16th, 2013 - by Buzzsawmonkey

The Newest, Predicted, Federal, Needless Gun-Grab—Like New York
—apologies to Frank Loesser and “The Oldest Established Permanent Floating Crap Game in New York” 

Obama: Let’s let no crisis go to waste;
I want this so bad I can taste—

Jarrett: We could try to put over the ruse
Guns should only be for hunting use…

Carney: I like working by executive fiat,
But we still have to disguise our intent,
We can’t just declare out flat

Jarrett: We’ll nullify the Second Amendment!

All: So let’s ram some legislation through
And some executive orders, too…

Carney & Jarrett: Let’s get good old reliable Biden!
Yes, Joe Biden, Vice-President!
When the President needs words, and he cannot wait
Rather than write things himself, he’ll just delegate
Hand off to old reliable Biden
Who will give him points he can talk
For the newest, predicted, federal, needless
Gun-grab—like New York!

All: There are legal gun owners everywhere, everywhere
There are legal gun owners everywhere.
And we cannot impede ‘em
Unless we stampede the voters who are unaware

Obama: If I only could get myself a free hand
All the gun-racks would be bare!

All: We’ll use good old reliable Biden!
Yes, Joe Biden, Vice-President!
It’s not that Obama wants gun rights to end
He’s just following what Biden recommends
Yes, with cover provided by Biden
It’s less likely Congress will balk
At the newest, predicted, federal, needless
Gun-grab—like New York!
How’ll we restrict all the guns?

Obama: Gotta get the guns
Off of everyone…

All: It’s the newest, predicted, federal, needless
Gun-grab—like New York!

Read bullet |

Buzz Ballad: Carry Guns

Tuesday, January 15th, 2013 - by Buzzsawmonkey

Carry Guns
—apologies to George M. Cohan and “Harrigan”

On what can you depend, when life you must defend?
Carry guns—stay free!
What spells a tyrant’s end when laws he seeks to bend?
Carry guns—stay free!
Citizens, beware! Keep your liberty—
Fight to retain the right to own weaponry
What keeps thugs at bay when police are on the way?
Carry guns—stay free!

C, A, double-R, Y, G, U, N spells “carry gun” (Carry gun!)
Written into the Second Amendment
Power-grabbers always seek its endment
C, A, double-R, Y, G, U, N, you see
Is the right that brings might to secure all our civil rights
Carry guns—stay free!

How best to equalize ‘gainst someone twice your size?
Carry guns—stay free!
How can you stand tall against lawless exercise?
Carry guns—stay free!
The rapists and muggers, home invasions
Don’t like it when you change the equation
What is the tool that best prevents oppressive rule?
Carry guns—stay free!

C, A, double-R, Y, G, U, N spells “carry gun” (Carry gun!)
Written into the Second Amendment
Power-grabbers always seek its endment
C, A, double-R, Y, G, U, N, you see
Is the right that brings might to secure all our civil rights
Carry guns—stay free!

Read bullet |

Buzz Ballad: The New Dictatorship

Wednesday, January 9th, 2013 - by Buzzsawmonkey

The New Dictatorship
—apologies to R. Whiting and S. Clare, and “The Good Ship Lollipop”

In the new dictatorship,
Can’t tell a magazine from a clip
But that’s OK
‘Cause we’re going to take them all away

Assault weapons aren’t nice
Shouldn’t buy them at any price
Just melt them down
Protecting all the kiddies in the town

We’re restricting guns, yes, everyone’s
For the Second Amendment’s sake
You will be surprised ooh ooh
Just how much liberty we’ll take

In the new dictatorship
Don’t dream of giving us any lip
Just do what we say
In the new dictatorship

Read bullet |

Buzz Ballad: Brennan Loves the Moors

Tuesday, January 8th, 2013 - by Buzzsawmonkey

Brennan Loves the Moors
—apologies to the Clancy Brothers Tommy Makem and “Brennan on the Moor”

It’s of an Obama nominee this story we will tell
He’s the clueless John Brennan, and in Washington he dwells
He likes to say “Inshallah,” and he talks about “al-Quds”
As Director of the CIA he’d be a major dud

Because Brennan loves the Moors
Brennan loves the Moors
How on earth can he defend us, when Brennan loves the Moors? 

When working at the CIA (Clinton was Prez back then)
Brennan helped nix the Agency’s plans to kill bin Laden
So he helped bring 9/11 and helped the Twin Towers fall
While his boss Obama now spikes the bin Laden football

Because Brennan loves the Moors
Brennan loves the Moors
How on earth can he defend us, when Brennan loves the Moors? 

When told of the twenty percent recidivism rate
Of released Gitmo detainees, he said, “We’re doing great!
Fifty percent is common for civilian criminals
So turning jihadis loose is an OK judgment call.”

Because Brennan loves the Moors
Brennan loves the Moors
How on earth can he defend us, when Brennan loves the Moors? 

He was a driving force behind—or so it has been said—
The push to try in civil court Khalid Sheikh Mohammed;
The self-confessed murderer was a prisoner of war
But Brennan urged his status be summarily ignored

Because Brennan loves the Moors
Brennan loves the Moors
How on earth can he defend us, when Brennan loves the Moors? 

Intelligence gath’ring John Brennan has contrived to thwart;
Though wanting to try Khalid Mohammed in civilian court,
He has urged that jihadis be killed rather than captured
So interrogators are unable to take down their words

Because Brennan loves the Moors
Brennan loves the Moors
How on earth can he defend us, when Brennan loves the Moors? 

Now Brennan’s nominated to direct the CIA
If it should happen he’s confirmed, then he can give full play
To the policies that he’s endorsed time and then time again
To favor terrorists over guarding Americans

Because Brennan loves the Moors
Brennan loves the Moors
How on earth can he defend us, when Brennan loves the Moors? 

Read bullet |

Buzz Ballad: Jolly Old Ron Karenga (a Kwanzaa Carol)

Thursday, December 27th, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

Jolly Old Ron Karenga
—A Kwanzaa Carol, to the tune of “Jolly Old St. Nicholas”

Jolly old Ron Karenga,
Marxist to the core,
Torturer and murderer,
Academic whore,
Hit upon a plan to make
His ideas hold sway;
And invented the brand new
Kwanzaa holiday

Every night a candle’s lit,
And in Swahili
Those observing celebrate
Marxist hegemony,
To isolate their hearts from
The land where they live
To dwell on past grievances
And to not forgive.

One can only hope blacks are
Mostly too abashed
To heed Ron Karenga and
His concocted trash—
And rather than follow him
Into endless night,
They’ll reject Ron Karenga
And his Kwanzaa rites

Read bullet |

Buzz Ballad: My Favorite Things

Wednesday, December 19th, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

My Favorite Things
—apologies to Rodgers & Hammerstein, and “My Favorite Things”

Mossbergs and Rugers, AK-47s
Colt automatics from 1911
Triggers adjusted for easy firing
These are a few of my favorite things

Walnut grips finely cross-hatched for good traction
Vintage carbines with an easy bolt action
Revolvers with nickel plate or with bluing
These are a few of my favorite things

Clips upon which traces of gun grease linger
Hunting mittens with separate trigger fingers
Bayonet clips and thick webbing for slings
These are a few of my favorite things

When the politicians pander
And cry “Guns must go!”
I quickly drive down to the nearest Wal-Mart
And stock up on more ammo!

Read bullet |

Buzz Ballad, redux: One Month

Thursday, December 6th, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

This originally appeared in the Tatler in July of 2011, during the debt ceiling negotiations.  Sadly, it remains timely.

One Month
—by the Barenaked Powergrab, with apologies to the Barenaked Ladies and “One Week

It’s been one month since I said that we
Faced a deadline to raise the debt ceiling
Five days since we started to negotiate
Your proposals were unappealing
Three days since I left the room
I didn’t like having to answer your questions
Yesterday said I’d talk to you
There’s a couple of trillion I’d like to borrow

Come on now and hear the warning
You know global warming
Mandates that we convert to green jobs
Though high-speed rail cannot fail, all alone it’s of no avail
We have to pay bad mortgages to buy votes from the mob
Competing interests I play off
I give them all payoffs
I’m about conciliation

Media has my left flank
There’s many to thank, they all help me get out my message
They’re all so willing to be shilling
As I stop domestic drilling
I like unions, that’s why I shower them with favors
They all supported Obamacare
Even as they were well aware
With their contributions they all would get a waiver

Everything I do is rushed on a short deadline
It has always worked out for me just fine
I’m the kind of guy who sloughs off all his workload
Can’t understand what I mean?
Well, you soon will
I have a tendency to go out to the golf course
I have a history of taking vacations

It’s been three years since I was sworn in
As President I have never signed a budget
Past a year since car companies
Got bailed out by ignoring bankruptcy
More than three months since I decided
To go into Libya without getting a go-ahead
Yesterday I said that I’d talk
But you’d better be willing to give me a trillion

Come on and give in ’cause Cloward Piven
Is gonna change the way that you’ve been livin’
Government whirlin’ like a dervish
Agency service
Expands so much it makes you nervous
Like FDR I’ve got some real big plans
Like Shaft I’m the man
Like Lenin, saying what is to be done

Like small businesses I make jobs
Okay, I don’t make jobs
But if I did they’d have a living wage
This time jobs will be shovel-ready
People will all be working steady
If you just cave and give in to me on every new thing
Gotta trust in me, recovery
Is soon to be, it isn’t me if the promises
That I’m making have a false ring

Everything I do is rushed on a short deadline
It has always worked out for me just fine
I’m the kind of guy who sloughs off all his workload
Can’t understand what I mean?
Well, you soon will
I have a tendency to go out to the golf course
I have a plan that will make you lose your shirt

It’s been one month you’ve tried to buck me
With spending cuts instead of raising taxes
Five days since I sneered at you and said
“You are the ones who put us in this deep doo-doo”
Three days since the last go-round
If I keep saying you’re at fault, then what can you do?
Yesterday said I’d talk to you
There’s a couple of trillion I’d like to borrow

There’s a couple of trillion I’d like to borrow
There’s a couple of trillion I’d like to borrow
Obama plan, hocking tomorrow

 

Read bullet |

Buzz Ballad: Let it Burn!

Monday, December 3rd, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

Seeing as how it’s the holiday season:

Let it Burn! Let it Burn! Let it Burn!
—apologies to Sammy Cahn, Jule Styne, and “Let it Snow!”

Oh, the fiscal precipice is looming
A crisis the President’s been grooming
And since there’s nowhere to turn,
Let it burn! Let it burn! Let it burn!

No, Obama is not intending
To rein in his runaway spending
He just wants to punish those who earn;
Let it burn! Let it burn! Let it burn!

Yes, we’re facing fiscal collapse
The predictions will be fulfilled
But if we get over with it, perhaps
The sooner we can start to rebuild

Since the executive of the nation
Won’t engage in negotiation
His proposals then must be spurned
Let it burn! Let it burn! Let it burn!

Read bullet |

Buzz Ballad: Old White Men

Wednesday, November 28th, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

Old White Men
—apologies to Stephen Foster and “Old Black Joe” 

Gone are the days when America was strong
Gone the days when public schools taught right from wrong
Gone the days of freedom that we enjoyed then
I hear “progressive” voices sneering, “Old White Men”

They’re coming, they’re coming, to stripmine cash again
To fund programs with what they take from “Old White Men”

Why do they seek to take what I’ve worked to own?
Why do they seek to reap where they have not sown?
Preferring to upon government depend
And sneering at maxims of thrift from “Old White Men.”

They’re coming, they’re coming, to stripmine cash again
To fund programs with what they take from “Old White Men”

Will they e’er learn that “free stuff” isn’t free?
That the price paid for “free stuff” is your liberty?
Or will they just demand more handouts again,
Be supported forevermore by “Old White Men?

They’re coming, they’re coming, to stripmine cash again
To fund programs with what they take from “Old White Men”

Read bullet |

Buzz Ballad: While John Boehner Gently Weeps

Tuesday, November 27th, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

While John Boehner Gently Weeps
—apologies to the Beatles, and “While My Guitar Gently Weeps”

I look at the fiscal cliff, see that it’s looming
While John Boehner gently weeps
I look at effective defense that it’s dooming
Still John Boehner gently weeps

I don’t know whatever possessed him
Little more than one year ago
To agree down the road to sequestering
Everyone told him so

All vestige of financial sanity’s ending
While John Boehner gently weeps
He’s done nothing to slow the government spending
So John Boehner gently weeps

No matter how he may maneuver
Now his back’s to the wall
With Obama, he’s a prime mover
Of our financial fall

I look at the fiscal cliff, see that it’s looming
While John Boehner gently weeps
Look at the cliff…
Still John Boehner gently weeps

Oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh, ooh

Read bullet |

Buzz Ballad: ‘Fess Up, Little Susie

Sunday, November 25th, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

‘Fess Up, Little Susie
—apologies to the Everly Brothers and “Wake Up, Little Susie”

‘Fess up, little Susie, ‘fess up
‘Fess up, little Susie, ‘fess up
They attacked us in Benghazi
Little Susie, you been lyin’ to me
The attack wasn’t due to a video
You’re tellin’ us a story

‘Fess up little Susie, ‘fess up little Susie
Well, what are you gonna tell the Senate?
What are you gonna tell the press?
What you gonna say in hearings
Gonna come clean about this mess?

‘Fess up little Susie, ‘fess up little Susie
Well, you said that al Qaeda was in defeat
But reality’s not ever quite so neat
‘Fess up little Susie, ‘fess up little Susie
You gotta come clean

‘Fess up, little Susie, ‘fess up
‘Fess up, little Susie, ‘fess up
People running all over the place
Claimin’ you’re being attacked for race
But the issue is competence
This coverup’s a disgrace

‘Fess up little Susie, ‘fess up little Susie
Well, what are you gonna tell the Senate?
What are you gonna tell the press?
What you gonna say in hearings
Gonna come clean about this mess?

‘Fess up, little Susie
‘Fess up, little Susie
‘Fess up, little Susie

Read bullet |

Buzz Ballad: Thanksgiving

Thursday, November 22nd, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

The autumn harvest festivals, alas, are obsolete—
For living in the city, we don’t grow the foods we eat;
No evidence of seasonal change is there to be found,
When supermarkets stock the same foods all the year around.
And little of the seasons’ passing show is evident
From leafless trees in iron grates embedded in cement.

But though the beat of life has changed, it cannot obviate
The need to mark time’s passage, or the urge to celebrate.
And if through stone and asphalt nature’s changes scarcely show
We’ll greet each one consistent with the urban life we know ,
And gorge ourselves on turkey, mashed potatoes, and ice cream,
To give thanks for that wondrous day the landlord sends up steam.

Read bullet |

Buzz Ballad: It’s Beginning to Look Like a Recession

Monday, November 19th, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

—apologies to Meredith Wilson and “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas”

It’s beginning to look like a recession
Everywhere you go
Take a good look at the home sales
Mortgage applicants fail
To qualify though interest rates are low
It’s beginning to look like a recession
High-priced energy
But the best indicator you’ll see
Is now living frugally
Off of your EBT

Your employer cut hours ’cause Obamacare lowers
And he’d rather pay the fine
You’ve cut luxuries like going to movies
Or taking the family to dine
And if you lose your job you can’t find another
Though it’s not for lack of tryin’

It’s beginning to look like a recession
The Dow’s begun to tank
But please spare me all your tears
If you voted for four more years
You’ve yourself to thank

Read bullet |

Buzz Ballad: The Charge of the Light Worker

Thursday, November 15th, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

The Charge of the Light Worker
—apologies to Alfred, Lord Tennyson, and “The Charge of the Light Brigade”

Half a bill, half a bill,
Hundreds of billions,
To the fiscal cliff of Debt—
Now sixteen trillion.
“Forward!” Light Worker said,
“Charge what we want!” he said
On the fiscal cliff of Debt,
Now sixteen trillion.

“Forward!” Light Worker said
“Though we’re deeply in the red,
I’m doing what I said
When I thrilled millions:
The Treasury my “stash,”
Green energy plans rash,
Billions in crony cash,
Off the fiscal cliff of Debt,
Now sixteen trillion.”

“Regulate industry,
Depress the economy,
Create false scarcity,
Cut back oil drilling.
Let entitlements swell;
Make our defense a shell;
Into the jaws of Debt—
How great? no one can tell—
Now sixteen trillion.”

Flush’d down fed’ral programs,
Flush’d down his healthcare scam,
Threat’ning with the taxman
Any who would protest
His road to ruin.
Heedless and unafraid,
The press acting to aid
Dissimulation
His plans had long been laid
The land to do in;
The bill came back much more
Than sixteen trillion.

“Regulate industry,
Depress the economy,
Create false scarcity,
Cut back oil drilling.
Let entitlements swell—”
That’s how a nation fell,
Freedoms tossed down a well,
Into a maw of Debt
How great, no one can tell
All we know is that it’s
Now sixteen trillion.

Would we were as we were
Ere half the land preferred
Public trough swilling.
What a profound error
To let the Light Worker
Squander our trillions!

Read bullet |

Buzz Ballad: Hamas Song

Wednesday, November 14th, 2012 - by Buzzsawmonkey

—apologies to Peter, Paul and Mary and “Wedding Song”

We have now unleashed a vengeance through our control of the skies
You must comprehend, when you attack, a Hamas leader dies
The wreckage of your auto burns with your mortal remains
We’ve asked you to stop shooting rockets, but you don’t refrain
You’re blown up…You’re blown up…

We evacuated Gaza in a gesture of good will
But the terrorists who rule you continue to fight us still
You won’t learn from experience so we must teach you again
All that this course of action brings you is a fiery end
You’re blown up…You’re blown up…

Well, so what really is the reason for this long unending strife?
Do all of you really love dying more than you love life?
We’d offer to live in peace with you, as we’ve done before
But every such overture your leaders just ignore
And you’re blown up…you’re blown up

Yes, the wreckage of your auto burns with your mortal remains
We asked you to stop shooting rockets, but you won’t refrain
And you’re blown up…You’re blown up…

Read bullet |