“What do women want?”
“The same things men do. Only in prettier colors.”
(oldie but goodie from “Northern Exposure”)
“And the problem was?” I asked, waiting for the punchline. “And problem she said was that it was like being married to a corpse and she was leaving me.”
Well, if I were to go all rational on this, I’d say that you can’t really tell what happened to that marriage, insofar as you’re getting only one person’s side of it after the fact. And that’s far to little data to try to come to any conclusion or even half-conclusion.
But what I will say is this:
1. There are truly guys who “just don’t get it.” They can’t pick up on the profound and intense unhappiness of the wife, until the cabinets start getting slammed and the sex gets withdrawn. But by then things are pretty far gone.
2. Even in marriages not characterized by in extremis acting out such as #1, let’s just say a “go along, get along” marriage, the husband and wife often give very different ratings to the marriage. The pattern is, husbands tend to give the marriage a much higher rating than the wife (he rates it an 8, she rates it a 2).
3. Generally speaking, women’s need for emotional, relational intimacy is much higher than men’s. This is just the way it is. Saying “I do” means you find ways to build bridges across that gap.
4. All that said … it also appears that too many women expect too much from marriage these days. Not consciously, but subconsciously, which can be the most damaging type of expectation, since a person doesn’t even consciously know *why* they are dissatisfied, only that they are. Exhibits of stoopid and grandiose female expectations: (A) “When I’m married, I’ll be completely fulfilled and happy.” (B) “It’s my husban’s job to make me happy. If I’m not, it’s his fault.” (C) “Women are naturals at relationships, while men are not good at it. Therefore, if there’s a problem between us, it’s because he’s the one who ‘just doesn’t get it.’” (D) “If I’m unhappy, I shouldn’t have to *tell* him. If he loves me, he should just *know* that sort of thing.”
Dr. Laura does a pretty good job hammering women on #4. Marriage is not an entitlement to fulfillment for women, but some do indeed treat it that way, and what’s more is that the culture by and large encourages this. Men, like America, are always to be blamed first.
Why *would* a guy get married when them’s the rules? When the rules can be changed, retroactively, unilaterally, without notice, and always to his detriment (emotional, financial, and many other ways)?
When I show romantic comedies in my film class, comparing classic-era ones with modern-era ones, and we get to talking about relationships “then” versus “now,” the #1 complaint voiced by both guys and girls seems to be the almost complete lack of rules. It’s chaos out there, people are getting hurt, these young people don’t know what is expected of them, and yet they can’t NOT venture into the arena of broken hearts. Pretty sad.
