The Guardian cites a study which argues that unless humanity repents and fixes Global Warming, advanced space aliens will invade the earth in order to end the Tea Party threat to the galaxy. “‘Green’ aliens might object to the environmental damage humans have caused on Earth and wipe us out to save the planet.”
It may not rank as the most compelling reason to curb greenhouse gases, but reducing our emissions might just save humanity from a pre-emptive alien attack, scientists claim.
Watching from afar, extraterrestrial beings might view changes in Earth’s atmosphere as symptomatic of a civilisation growing out of control – and take drastic action to keep us from becoming a more serious threat, the researchers explain.
This highly speculative scenario is one of several described by scientists at Nasa and Pennsylvania State University that, while considered unlikely, they say could play out were humans and alien life to make contact at some point in the future.
With characteristic foresight the UN has already got the possibility covered. The International organization has appointed “Dr. Mazlan Othman, a Malaysian-born astrophysicist … the Head of the Office for Outer Space Affairs, an official ambassador to extraterrestrials”. With this official greeter on hand to explain the transgressions of terrestrial conservatives it is possible that the death rays from outer space can be directed away from every innocent person and focused exclusively on the climate deniers in Texas.
However, the looming alien threat may have a silver lining. As the brilliant Paul Krugman explained to Fareed Zakaria, who asked him about a possible economic slowdown on his show, an alien invasion might actually be good for the economy. It would force Paul Ryan to withdraw any objections to a debt cap and open the door unlimited spending, thereby the ending the recession. Here is how he put it:
PAUL KRUGMAN, NEW YORK TIMES: Think about World War II, right? That was actually negative social product spending, and yet it brought us out.
I mean, probably because you want to put these things together, if we say, “Look, we could use some inflation.” Ken and I are both saying that, which is, of course, anathema to a lot of people in Washington but is, in fact, what fhe basic logic says.
It’s very hard to get inflation in a depressed economy. But if you had a program of government spending plus an expansionary policy by the Fed, you could get that. So, if you think about using all of these things together, you could accomplish, you know, a great deal.
If we discovered that, you know, space aliens were planning to attack and we needed a massive buildup to counter the space alien threat and really inflation and budget deficits took secondary place to that, this slump would be over in 18 months. And then if we discovered, oops, we made a mistake, there aren’t any aliens, we’d be better –
ROGOFF: And we need Orson Welles, is what you’re saying.
KRUGMAN: No, there was a “Twilight Zone” episode like this in which scientists fake an alien threat in order to achieve world peace. Well, this time, we don’t need it, we need it in order to get some fiscal stimulus.
Just think. If World War 2 could be so good for the economy, just imagine how beneficial an intergalactic one would be?
Are you following all this immensely sophisticated logic? None of it, I assure you has been invented for the purpose or culled from the Onion. It is all on the record. Just click on the links. Because now you will be mentally ready — intellectually prepared — to seize the once in a lifetime opportunity that presents itself to save the economy and future politics in a feasible and ethical way.
- Elect either Rick Perry, Paul Ryan, Michelle Bachmann or Herman Cain.
- This will provoke an attack by space aliens which will force the Federal Government to spend trillion on exo-atmospheric weapons systems.
- Hillary Clinton will be acclaimed the next President and preside over an orgy of spending which will end the recession and ensure prosperity for time to come.
- Meanwhile, the UN Ambassador to extraterrestrials will explain that it is all the fault of Climate Deniers.
- Texas and Alaska will be turned into a large glass parking lot. But the rest of the earth will become a liberal wonderland and revert, like Detroit, into unspoiled wilderness, fitfully lit only by the flare of the recreational substance pipe and low-wattage bulbs driven by wind or muscle-power.
I know it sounds crazy but it’s got to work.
Together these actions will bring untold benefits to mankind and lasting power to the Democratic Party. You may ask: if it’s so obvious, why hasn’t the President already acted on this marvelous plan? He has. In fact, he has anticipated it and already precipitated the alien invasion. The San Jose Mercury News reports that “the government will stop deporting many students and other illegal immigrants who are not a public safety threat and permit them to work in the country legally, the Obama administration announced Thursday.” And you thought he missed his chance! More than 300,000 aliens are already landed and more are on the way.
Take that, Ryan.
To those who object that the preceding arguments did not refer to those kinds of aliens, the only answer is that President Obama, as ever, is ahead of the game. He knows what he’s doing. Just you wait and see.