Neither PJ Media nor this author condones violence for settling commercial disputes. That said, it’s hard not to sympathize with an Oklahoma guy who decided McDonald’s served him the wrong oder for the last time. FromThe Smoking Gun:
A female cashier told police that a vehicle came through the drive-thru late Tuesday night and the driver picked up an order. But after discovering that the McDonald’s bag was short an item, a male passenger became upset, according to police in Chickasha, a city 40 miles southwest of Oklahoma City.
At that point, the suspect, who was in the vehicle’s back seat, pointed a gun at the employee and warned, “Don’t make me use this” and “Don’t let it happen again.”
We may never know, but it’s fair to bet this wasn’t the first time this suspect received an errant order from the drive-thru. God knows the rest of us have. While pulling a gun certainly amounts to an overreaction, we can imagine the train of thought which led to it.
How hard is it get a food order right? It seems especially egregious nowadays with all the technology and redundancies — computerized registers with pictures on the buttons, monitors for customers to verify orders, printed receipts to reference as a final check. How do you get it wrong? How?!
Editor’s Note: This article was first published in January of 2013. It is being reprinted as part of a new weekend series at PJ Lifestyle collecting and organizing the top 50 best lists. Where will this great piece end up on the list? Reader feedback will be factored in when the PJ Lifestyle Top 50 List Collection is completed in a few months… Click here to see the top 25 so far and to advocate for your favorites in the comments.
Monty Python saved my life.
I was ten years old in 1974, when the Buffalo PBS station across the lake began airing the iconoclastic BBC comedy series every Friday night.
Being stuck in a cheap, dinky apartment that overlooked a burned-out church, with my bullying alcoholic stepfather and a meek, “see no evil” mother, surrounded at school by more extroverted, rough-and-tumble classmates — and very likely, without knowing it, clinically depressed — that half hour once a week sitting two feet from the TV was one of the only things I felt I had to look forward to.
Maybe ever, I thought at the time.
Ironically, my crappy stepfather was the one who turned me on to the show.
The first night, he “made” me watch it, the same way he was always trying to “make” me get a suntan or take up horseback riding or keep all the closet and cupboard doors in the house either open or closed depending on his inscrutable whim of the week.
My pouty resentment faded fast. For whatever reason — the cool accents, the breathless pace, the tame “naughtiness,” the “question authority” iconoclasm, the ineffable cuteness of Michael Palin — I got hooked on Monty Python’s Flying Circus.
In high school, I finally met a couple of girls who shared my passion, and we became those insufferable sorts who communicate almost entirely in Python (and SCTV) catchphrases.
According to NBC News, the Pentagon has spent $300,000 over the past 5 years to study the grooves of such creepy world leaders as Osama bin Laden and Vladimir Putin, believing that their body movements will aide in predicting their “future decisions and actions”.
The program called the “Body Leads Project” released a 2008 report entitled “Movement, The Brain and Decision-making, the President of Russia, Vladimir Putin.” Pentagon researchers again studied the Russian president in 2012, Defense Press Secretary Rear Adm. John Kirby said.
…While the results of the research is not classified, Kirby said Friday the Pentagon has no intention of publicly releasing the two previous reports on Putin to the media.
The body movement projects are conducted under the Pentagon’s Office of Net Assessment which provides updated thinking and insights regarding a wide range of military and foreign policy issues.
The news comes as U.S. lawmakers are asking the Obama Administration why the Russian leader’s military movements in the Crimea came as such a surprise to the White House.
“I guess we just don’t dance to the same music,” Obama responded. He then issued an executive order requiring all State Department officials to spend their weekend partying in Russian underground clubs throughout the D.C. area.
“It’s not like they aren’t doing it already. And who could blame them? Anna Chapman was hot,” Obama remarked on the order, referencing the Russian national who was deported in 2010 for spying on the U.S. government. When asked about the potential security breaches posed by such an executive order, President Obama was quick to add, “Hey, my pen and my phone are scanned every day for the latest in spy technology. The decision making of this administration goes through me, and I go through that phone and that pen. We’re air-tight.”
In an effort to boost knowledge of Putin’s moves, the Obama Administration has also sought out Russian singer Eduard Khil, a.k.a. Mr. Trololo. Khil became famous for improvising a musical performance on live television after Soviet censors banned 3 consecutive versions of the song’s lyrics for being too pro-American.
“We’ve elected to transform our free-form performance art, meditation, and yoga, eco-friendly breakroom space into a dance studio for intelligence purposes,” one State Department official detailed on condition of anonymity. “I mean, it’s not like we’re doing it at a corporate retreat, so we won’t get in trouble for blowing taxpayer money on it like the IRS did.”
Do you have the moves like Putin? The Obama Administration wants you. The big 3 television networks are already in talks with Valerie Jarrett to produce the first ever reality talent competition Intelligence Idol to recruit new intelligence agents. Contestants would submit personal dance videos via YouTube for consideration by a panel of judges rumored to include Jennifer Lopez, Joe Biden, and at least one Drag Queen Skyping in from Kadena Air Base.
One reporter did question the cost of the Pentagon research, stating, “If you really wanted to understand Putin, couldn’t you have bought enough copies of Disinformation for the entire staff with the money you threw away on that ridiculous study?”
“Two legs good, four legs better…to dance on you with,” was the official response.
Morning show anchors at local news affiliates have an unenviable job, especially when they have to interview oddball guests. One of those guests making the rounds after Thanksgiving was Chef Keith Guerke, plugging his cookbook Leftovers Right: Making A Winner Out Of Last Night’s Dinner.
The problem is, Keith Guerke isn’t a chef – or a real person, for that matter, and his book doesn’t exist either. The stunt sprung from the minds of comedians Nick Preuher and Joe Pickett and their troupe, the Found Footage Festival. Preuher appeared on local news shows in Illinois and Wisconsin, promoting disgusting recipes with bogus statistics and made up anecdotes. He bumbled through his presentations and even talked one anchor into beatboxing while he rapped.
The results are hilarious. Sit back and enjoy, as these poor hosts gamely go along with Chef Keith and his horrid recipes.
The scientific advancements we’ve seen the last few years stagger the imagination. Among these revolutions in the medical realm is the hair transplant. But, lest you think hair transplants are only for the guys you see on local television ads with a sad visage in a “before” image and a convertible and a hot babe in the “after” shot, one group of guys is taking advantage of hair transplant technology in a new way. The latest trend in the hipster world is the beard transplant:
Stubble-challenged guys are forking over up to $8,500 for the beard-boosting procedure, which has spiked in popularity in recent months, plastic surgeons told The Post.
“Brooklyn is probably the nucleus of the trend, it’s the hipster ‘look’ guys want. If you have a spotty beard, and you let it grow out, it looks sloppy, ” said Dr. Jeffrey Epstein, a Midtown-based plastic surgeon.
“[Clients] want full beards because it’s a masculine look. Beards are an important male identifier,” he added.
I guess these hipster guys need a “male identifier” to counter the decidedly non-masculine look of the deep v-neck t-shirts and skinny jeans rolled up too high. In a lovely bit of irony, some hipsters make use of the transplants to look older:
One happy patient is Danny, 27, whose beard used to be so patchy, he was forced to “fill it in” with an eyebrow pencil, he said.
Two years ago, he paid $8,500 for the surgery, which he considers a fashion statement.
“I have a baby face but now I’m able to look older. My fashion statement is a little edgy, and I do like the ‘rugged look,’” he said.
He added, “It’s one of the best investments I’ve ever made.”
While others go for the procedure to look younger:
A 39-year-old New Yorker, who works in catering industry, got a beard transplant to make him feel younger, DNAinfo.com reported.
“I had contemplated [getting a beard transplant] for approximately eight months,” he said, “Knowing the results, I wish I hadn’t wasted so much time deciding,” he said.
$8,500 for facial hair. Sometimes, the jokes just write themselves.
In an era where problems abound – issues like the threat of a nuclear Iran, runaway federal spending, and an overreaching executive branch – it’s important to focus on the most urgent crises facing this country: a potential nationwide clown shortage! Fortunately, the New York Daily News is on top of it for all of us in this exclusive report:
As the “Greatest Show on Earth” returns to Brooklyn Thursday, circus folk fear a national clown shortage is on the horizon.
Membership at the country’s largest trade organizations for the jokesters has plunged over the past decade as declining interest, old age and higher standards among employers align against Krusty, Bozo and their crimson-nosed colleagues.
“What’s happening is attrition,” said Clowns of America International President Glen Kohlberger, who added that membership at the Florida-based organization has plummeted since 2006. “The older clowns are passing away.”
Membership at the World Clown Association, the country’s largest trade group for clowns, has dropped from about 3,500 to 2,500 since 2004.
Of course the clowning industry (and I can’t believe I just used that phrase) knows the solution to their problem – getting more kids and teens to consider clowning as a career.
“The challenge is getting younger people involved in clowning,” said Association President Deanna (Dee Dee) Hartmier, who said most of her members are over 40.
Kohlberger said that it’s difficult getting younger people who develop an early interest in the many facets of clowning to stick with it on the professional level.
“What happens is they go on to high school and college and clowning isn’t cool anymore,” he said. “Clowning is then put on the back burner until their late 40s and early 50s.”
Cyrus Zavieh, the president of New York Clown Alley, a group that boasts 45 members across the New York area, said clowns can pull in up to $300 for a birthday party — but that’s hardly a financial incentive for many young people.
“American kids these days are thinking about different careers altogether,” said Zavieh, 44, who has worked under the moniker Cido for nearly two decades.
“They’re thinking about everything other than clowning.”
It’s up to this generation of parents to reverse this alarming trend. Instead of encouraging your sons and daughters to become doctors or lawyers or grooming them to carry on the family business, why not gently nudge them toward the noble art of clowning? We know from the clowning associations that it’s a challenging, multi-faceted, and rewarding career. Think about the joy you’d have as a parent watching your child entertaining thousands at The Greatest Show on Earth! Or imagine your pride as the clown you raised makes a little one scream and cower in fear.
None of us want to have to say one day in the future, “Remember clowns?” Don’t let these delightful entertainers become extinct. Don’t let clowning go the way of the Victrola or the black and white console television. Now is the time to ensure the future of clowning for future generations. For the children.
Unless clowns creep you or your kids out. In that case, never mind.
This dinner would last approximately 12 hours and would include multiple courses. It would need to take that long because its purpose would be to give Jefferson, Adams, Lincoln, and Reagan the opportunity to convert the current shadow president, Valerie Jarrett, to the ideology that unites the four of them — revolutionary classical liberalism. Afterwards, her brain finally dethawed from the socialist ice box, having realized the great evil she has perpetrated against the American people, she would resign from the Obama administration and provide Republicans with the evidence needed to impeach the president, in exchange for immunity from prosecution and for agreeing to assist the 2016 Republican nominee defeat Joe Biden (the only Democrat remaining who will be dumb enough, and untainted by whole-scale criminality, to try and run). With Jarrett having renounced her faith in Alinskyite stealth socialism, and converted to Christianity or Judaism (let’s pretend the latter — as that’s more amusing), Hillary will be horrified. She’ll know that at this point Jarrett has collected too much dirt on her to even survive a primary, and she’ll retreat to her back-up, Plan B identity of finally divorcing Bill and then reinventing herself as a New Age Oprah-style Baby Boomer goddess feel-good cultural figure.
That’s, of course, if we imagine that Hillary would avoid being swept up in the Obama administration prosecutions. Surely someone would roll over on her at that point, right? As the ship sinks, all the rats will flee. Or does Jarrett have the evidence on hand that she needs to make sure Hillary is no longer a threat to anyone?
Hey, if we’re dreaming of a fantasy dinner with presidents, might as well dream big, right?
The country that used to permit the performance of “Can’t Buy Me Love” on the grounds that it was a song critical of prostitution in the West has no problem pimping out its female athletes to soften its rather uptight image ahead of the Olympic Games. The salacious images portray female athletes in poses more typical of lingerie models, pole dancers, and strippers than skiers, curlers and hockey players.
Russian male athletes have yet to pony up to the cameras and bare near-all.
When asked how photos of nearly naked female athletes will quell the concerns surrounding the Sochi games, including “disputes about homophobia, world leaders refusing to attend, and mega-security at Sochi,” the response received was: “It is democratic to look at half naked women. Women are beautiful. Everyone likes a pretty girl. Which is why we send ugly ones to Siberia.”
…a study in the British Journal of Psychiatry has confirmed that comedians possess more psychotic characteristics compared to their non-comedian peers. The researchers asked 523 comedians from Australia, Britain, and the U.S. to complete an online questionnaire designed to measure levels of four psychotic traits — “unusual experiences,” “cognitive disorganization,” “introvertive anhedonia,” and “impulsive non-conformity.” Unsurprisingly, the comedians ranked high in their levels of all four psychotic behavior indicators.
“The creative elements needed to produce humor are strikingly similar to those characterizing the cognitive style of people with psychosis – both schizophrenia and bipolar disorder,” said Gordon Claridge of the University of Oxford’s department of experimental psychology, who led the study.
Although the traits in question are known as “psychotic”, Claridge said, they can also represent healthy equivalents of features such as moodiness, social introversion and the tendency to lateral thinking.
“Although schizophrenic psychosis itself can be detrimental to humor, in its lesser form it can increase people’s ability to associate odd or unusual things or to think ‘outside the box’,” he said.
“Equally, manic thinking – which is common in people with bipolar disorder – may help people combine ideas to form new, original and humorous connections.”
Wednesday, January 22nd, 2014 - by Susan L.M. Goldberg
Newest SNL actor Sasheer Zamata hosts a Girls walking tour of Brooklyn via Above Average. It’s a tight skit with a lot of great one liners like, ”Cafe Grumpy: It’s where Hannah works and they have a drink there called ‘The Hannah’ and…it’s an 8 dollar cup of coffee.” Funny enough, although the real humor in the sketch is that the black fan of a critically defined “all-white-girls” show is being portrayed by a talented black actress who was brought onto SNL to fulfill the critics’ affirmative action casting quota.
The sketch clashes with reality on another note: For many Brooklyn natives, the Girls have worn out their welcome. Citing an increase in obnoxious tourists seeking photographs of baristas at Cafe Grumpy, the New York Daily Newsreports:
“The booksellers at Spoonbill and Sugartown on Bedford Ave. are similarly perplexed by the influx of millennials who show up and recreate the show’s seminal kissing scene in the stacks.
…It gets worse. The show has even spawned its own guidebook — as if HBO’s “take hipsterism and add water” needed more explanation.
“The Unofficial Girls Guide to New York” invites struggling twentysomethings to “get to know New York the way the ‘Girls’ know it.”
But real New York “girls” aren’t buying it.
“I hate anything that puts a label on what we’re doing. I came here to live outside of the box, not in one,” says Johanna Hickey, 31, who works three jobs and lives in Greenpoint. ‘It pisses me off.’”
Probably because, as far as they’re concerned, he’s just stating received liberal wisdom.
Mocking Megyn Kelly’s statement that “just because it makes you feel uncomfortable, doesn’t mean it has to change,” Stewart smirked, “Actually, I think that’s the official slogan of oppression.”
Yeah, no. Legislating “change” because some people “feel uncomfortable” is a good working definition of true oppression. He could always read about it in my book — helpfully titled The Tyranny of Nice — which features real-life examples of individuals who’ve been persecuted and prosecuted by the State because they hurt someone’s feelings.
…there are consequences to forgetting truths. One consequence is that while we instinctively want to preserve the morals and manners of the Christian tradition, we cannot quite explain or defend them intellectually. So we find ourselves seeking more contemporary (i.e., in practice, secular) reasons for preserving them or, when they decay completely, inventing regulations to mimic them. When courtesy is abandoned, we invent speech codes, which are blunter in their impact and repress legitimate disagreement along with insults.
Stewart’s definition of “oppression” is just another way of saying, “Shut up, you right-wing peons.” It is, quite simply, a sentiment that’s toxic to the health of the body politic.
And, I imagine, college kids are printing it onto T-shirts as I type.
Sometimes, the only fact which gives me hope for America’s future is that, despite the hype, The Daily Show draws fewer viewers than its coarse, politically incorrect network rival, Tosh.0.
As distressing as they can be, it’s not the foul-mouthed tirades of Martin Bashir or Alec Baldwin that are fraying the fragile bonds of an already divided society.
It’s the counterproductive way we “handle” these “controversial” events today:
We demand (a usually insincere) apology, often on behalf of a supposedly aggrieved “community.”
These apologies reinforce truly toxic notions, such as the very existence of “group rights,” and that free born citizens should “watch what they say” lest they lose their livelihoods at the whim of stuck up, self-appointed word police.
From Canada’s Guy Earle to more familiar names like Gilbert Gottfried, stand-up comedians have been a favorite target of these “Big Sorry” bullies.
I realize that Melissa Harris-Perry’s little stunt on MSNBC, comparing the word “Obamacare” to the “N” word, was just that — a feeble attempt to get anyone with a pulse to watch her network and click on the website. After all, most of the network’s anchors have been banished to broadcast outer darkness for crimes against human decency and the channel’s longstanding tradition of desperation is quickly devolving into pathological, endless mortification.
But I wonder if there isn’t some merit to the point Harris-Perry was making before she launched into a prurient soliloquy on Obama Her Savior. After all, in any honest word-association test, most rational Americans would think first of words like debacle, disaster, and fraud when confronted with the realities of Obamacare. Aside from the failures of the website, it is an attack on 1/6 of the economy, the results of which we have not yet seen, and it is also in the process of destroying and dismantling the best, most innovative healthcare system the world has ever known. Not only that, it has eroded Americans’ faith in government and attacked the fundamental structures of our constitutional republic, destroying religious liberties in the process. Not to mention the coming Medicaid timebomb. As Harris-Perry said, “The Affordable Care Act will loom large in the president’s legacy as the singular accomplishment of his two terms,” adding that he is “playing to win.”
Harris-Perry said the term Obamacare was meant to “shame and divide and demean.” I say that Obamacare itself shames and divides and demeans. And so I call on the FCC to force all broadcasters to bleep the word Obam#!@$e from now on. No one should be permitted to speak this treasonous word on the airwaves from this day forward. The FCC bans “profane” language between the hours of 6 a.m. and 10 p.m., defining profanity as “including language so grossly offensive to members of the public who actually hear it as to amount to a nuisance.” I’d say that “Obamacare” undoubtedly fits within the boundaries of that definition. We should also vow to stop using Obam#!@$e in its original form in print and online media.
If Ohio Governor Kasich could issue a proclamation banning the letter “M” in the state due to the rivalry between the Ohio State University Buckeyes and the Michigan Wolverines — Kasich noted that U.S. Fish and Wildlife is considering adding wolverines to the threatened species list — the FCC ought to be able to ban the word that is threatening our health care and our very liberty, which amount to far more than a “grossly offensive nuisance.”
Some ideas trigger an intellectual gag reflex and leave your neurons gasping for reason. This image conveys one such idea.
Once you regain your composure, realize that this characterization says more about its leftist creator than it says about the Right. It’s because the cartoonist fixates upon the holdings of others that they project that fixation upon the Right.
Indeed, it’s the leftist who seeks to affect what everyone else owns, not the Right. It’s the leftist who presents a list of things others can’t have — large sodas, carbon-emitting vehicles, a healthcare plan they like, etc. It’s the Left that acts as Grinch, plundering in the guise of Santa.
Wednesday, December 4th, 2013 - by Susan L.M. Goldberg
The AP reports that Munich-based Constantin Film will be producing a movie based on German author Timur Vermes’s bestselling novel about the Nazi Dictator. In Er ist Wieder Da, Adolf Hitler “…awakens in modern-day Berlin and becomes the star of a TV comedy show.” No word on whether this “comedy show” will mirror the contemporary Asian game show trend of finding humor in putting fellow citizens in odd, even purportedly life-threatening situations. The film is set to be released in 2015.
Despite Hitler being a “touchy subject” for many Germans, the novel has sold over 1.3 million copies since its debut in 2012. English speakers, have no fear. A translation of the book, titled Look Who’s Back, will be released in April of next year.
In other Hitler satire news, Hitler Rants Parodies (featured above) recently celebrated five years on the web. BothVermes and Constantin Film have as much to do with the YouTube sensation as the psychotic mass murdering dictator has to do with having a laugh. One thing we can confirm: the authors of Er is Wieder Da and Hitler Rants Parodies both know how to humorously kill a conversation.
No word yet on when the satirical biopic about Soviet leader Josef Stalin (working title: Hitler Always Said I Should Laugh More) is set to hit the silver screen. According to several unconfirmed reports, the studio involved is having trouble obtaining a finished draft of the script that isn’t covered in trace amounts of polonium-210.
Monday, November 25th, 2013 - by Susan L.M. Goldberg
With all the ugly Christmas sweaters going around, we Jews need to catch up with the trend of bad-taste giving. Sure, you could go for a Menurkey in honor of Thanksgivukkah, or one of the other memorably odd menorah choices, but in the era of heightened European anti-Semitism, Putin’s Syrian intervention, and negotiations with Iran these simple, silly pleasures seem rather passe. Trendy tacky giving requires matching the spirit of the season as well as cultural vogue. With that in mind, I present to you the Top 5 most timely, tacky, and totally tasteless Hanukkah gifts for 2013.
Great for those American kids who still have the privilege of checking “Decline to Respond” next to questions about racial and ethnic identification, Papers Please is a video game that’s sure to please the tech geek on your list this holiday season. This cheap downloadable PC game’s pixelated animation will hark back to the days of Oregon Trail sans the Donner Party madness. In Papers Please the evil is clean-cut; no need to rape a street whore and throw her out of the car for extra points. As the bureaucrat you simply refuse entry to those in need.
Kindness is the killer in this game, a “dystopian document thriller” about the evils of government paperwork. The perfect training ground for a nation of future bureaucrats, Papers Please is a testimony to Stalin’s axiom, ”Bureaucracy is the price we pay for impartiality.” Perfect for the little Schindler in your life.
A Ukranian website whose servers are located in Berlin has cultivated a Twitter following among Russian-speakers who love playing Nationalist Simulator – Defend Ukraine. This is the perfect gift for that friend with Eastern European proclivities who just can’t stomach Russians, gays, Americans, and, of course, Jews.
“The objective of the game is to shoot the rainbow flags, Russian flags, American flags, red balls and Jews, who are represented by orange circles adorned with yarmulkes and sidelocks.” Perfect for the self-loathing among us, Russian-speaking Twitter user Denis Goldman (ethnic/religious persuasion unidentified) asked, “God, why had no one come up with this amazing game?”
Given the implied hatred of Russians, I’m guessing the picture of Putin riding a bear implodes if you can get past all those pesky Jews, gays, and Yankees.
Around this time back in 2011, I told PJ Media readers that stand up comic Nick DiPaolo and his longtime friend and colleague Artie Lange had signed a juicy three-year deal to host a sports talk show on satellite radio.