For the past year and a half I’ve been fighting the Orland Park Public Library, trying to get them to stop allowing men to access porn — and even child porn — on library computers (they even permit public masturbation!). To date, not one man has come forward at a board meeting or in the press to say, “I want porn in the library! Don’t take my favorite pastime from me!” The reason is clear. No one thinks it’s okay to watch porn in the library, including the guys who do it. Still, libraries across the country continue to allow it and men continue to do watch porn at public libraries. Since I’ve never been afforded the opportunity to talk to one of these creeps, I thought maybe I could get some of them to respond to an open letter of sorts. Here are 7 questions I have for guys who watch porn at the library:
1. What do you think this is? An adult bookstore?
One of my all time favorite Cleveland reporters, Carl Monday, loves to sneak up on guys watching porn in the public library and shout at them, “Where do you think you are? An adult bookstore?” Honestly, the question needs to be asked. There are places designated for guys to go and watch porn — and even to masturbate. They’re called porn shops and adult theaters. (Actually, I think they arrest guys caught masturbating there…so what does it say when porn shops call the cops on fondlers but a library refuses to do so?) On what planet is it okay to watch X- rated material — out in the open — in a public area where children are present and then to take your penis out and play with it? Seriously, I ask you … WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? Have you no sense of shame?
2. Does your mother know you do this?
Everyone has a mother, even the library pervert. Does she know you do this? Better yet, what’s her name because I want to look her up and have a conversation with her about what you are doing. Do you know you are shaming your mother? Do you care?
3. Do you enjoy supporting child pornographers and sex traffickers?
Porn is a freedom … blah blah blah. Do you know that there’s absolutely no way for you to know if you are watching illegal porn perpetrated on victims by sex traffickers and child pornographers? Did you see that girl’s driver’s license? Do you know how old she is? Or how she got there or why she is performing in a porn video? You don’t know and you don’t care. Sex traffickers are making a fortune on girls in captivity. They make money by selling them to johns for sex, and then they videotape it and make money off of those who watch it online. You have no way of knowing if the women you are watching have consented or if they are there under duress. Do you care that you are supporting child sex traffickers? These men steal children from their families and rape them for years and sell them into this business. Those twenty-year-old women you watch were probably sold into porn as minors. Do you have a mother? A daughter? A sister? God forbid it ever happen to one of them. You should get on your knees and beg their forgiveness for contributing to the enslavement of other women around the world. You are a trafficker. Congratulations.
4. Do you realize you’re giving yourself erectile dysfunction?
Not that I care about your sex life, but if you want to have one someday you will stop using internet porn immediately. Studies show that men with internet porn addictions lose the ability to function sexually with real, live human beings. That’s right. ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION. Just what every guy who loves porn wants for Christmas, right? I have a friend who went to an all male Catholic school years ago and the gym instructor told them one day, “Don’t be one of these guys who sits around masturbating all day. You’ll never amount to anything. It will drain you of your drive and motivation and you’ll be a loser. Only losers do that.” And now, it turns out that the gym teacher was right. Science proves it. Internet porn creates men who can’t get it up. I don’t know what you would call that, but I think we can safely say it’s not “winning at life.”
5. Don’t you ever want to have sex with an actual woman?
I don’t know any women who would actually have sex with a guy who watches porn at a public library. There are some women who are okay with porn at home, once in a while, but if they ever find out you watched porn in a library, on a bus, in a McDonald’s or other public place, they will not have sex with you. Ever. Here’s what you need to do to turn women on: get a job, get a life, get a hobby (that’s not in your pants), do something cool, excel at something and succeed at life. That doesn’t mean get rich. It means live a worthy life. It means get out of your mother’s basement, get off the video games and porn and go make something worthwhile out of yourself. A guy who can do that will get plenty of girls. But waste your life away in front of a screen on virtual girls and no real woman will ever touch you down there.
6. Is your wife and/or parole officer aware you do this?
I know some of you are married and you watch porn at the library because you are hiding it from your wife. Shame. On. You. If you wanted to ogle other women who are not your wife you should not have married her. My advice is to go see the priest or pastor who married you, confess what you have done, and find out how to repair your marriage. Stop cheating on her at the public library, where children might be doing their homework. Your marriage is broken. Go fix it or get a divorce, but stop hiding in the library like a sleazy coward. Others of you are on parole and are court ordered not to be online because you are sex offenders. In those cases, is it worth it to you to go back to jail simply to get your fix? You realize you’re in a building near children, right? You are violating your parole. Stop it.
7. And you can’t do this at home because….?
And finally, if you must watch porn, is there any reason you don’t do it at home like a normal person? Clearly, there are only two reasons to watch porn in a library:
A. So the wife won’t find out;
B. Because you enjoy the thrill of behaving badly in public and being seen watching porn by women and children.
If you fall into the B category, you are a sicko. Your fetishes do not belong in a place where my children go to hear story time. Whatever psychological damage you have that you are working through belongs somewhere else. I hope that one day while you are doing what you are doing (and no librarian is stopping you or calling the police like she should be obligated to do), someone’s father comes along and shows you the consequences of your actions — the way someone would have done 50 years ago, when men weren’t afraid to be men. What you need is a trip to the woodshed and a meeting with a large stick … to the face … or something.
If you’re the local library pervert, I’d love to hear your answers to my questions in the comments section below. Please, enlighten me.