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Rutting Beasts and Horny College Kids

Sunday, March 4th, 2012 - by Brian James

“You and me baby we ain’t nothin’ but mammals so let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel. Do it again now! You and me baby we ain’t nothin’ but mammals, so let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.  Gettin’ horny now!”  ~The Bloodhound Gang~

YouTube Preview ImageWho would have ever thought that the theme for Obama re-election campaign would be the Bloodhound Gang song, “The Bad Touch”?  But here we are.  He can’t run on his record.  That would be like sprinting into the DNC headquarters wearing an explosive, terrorist suicide vest.  He won’t run on reducing gas prices (despite his 2008 promise), because he and his administration have said they favor the sort of pain at the pump that acts on the budgets of middle American families like a flesh eating virus.  He can’t run on Obamacare because even in polls that oversample Democrats, the government takeover of the healthcare system is still extremely unpopular.  So what is plan B?  They found a random college chick with enthusiastic sexual habits and pinned all their hopes on the unfertilized eggs in her basket.

For those who have not been introduced to Sandra Fluke yet, she is the victim dejour for the liberals who are trying to pretend that Republicans want to ban all contraception.  She is a Georgetown University student who testified about her sex life to the Democrat members of the House of Representatives.  According to Ms. Fluke, she runs through over $3000 worth of contraception a year while satisfying her sexual appetites.  Or were they run through her?  I guess that doesn’t matter.  The truth is that she attends college in Washington D.C and free condoms are available to her from a score of clinics.  So she really shouldn’t be whining about the cost of safe sex.  For her D.C. should be like trick or treating at Bob Guccione’s home.  Despite this she is insisting that insurance companies pay for her contraception.  So that is Sandra Fluke.  If you are a single guy who lives on the East Coast, you probably already know her.

Sandra is getting her turn on the American Idolesque stage of identity politics that defines how liberals run for office.  The formula is simple:  find someone you can pretend is a victim and try to blame their pain on anyone who doesn’t agree that Planned Parenthood is the moral equivalent of our founding fathers.  The difference with Ms. Fluke is that they are not fighting for the poor or the rights of minorities (in truth they never fought those battles either, but that is another issue), what they are going to battle for is her right to have somebody besides her foot the bill for her lifestyle of unlimited nookie.

Let’s start with the undeniable fact that there is no legislation that has been offered (or even hinted at) that says Ms. Fluke can’t have all the safe sex she wants.  Nobody is trying to deny her access to birth control.  She can use all the contraception she wants so long as it doesn’t violate any international treaties or the laws of time and space.  She just may have to pay for it herself.  If she attends or works for a religious institution whose beliefs prohibit providing her birth control, their verifiable first amendment rights trump her imaginary right to get her freak on.  Despite this, the left is trying to make the argument that the insurance companies (to whom the religious organizations pay their premiums) should be mandated to violate the first amendment and provide birth control to those covered under that religious institutions insurance policy.  The constitution is to be stepped on in favor of a phony woman’s health issue.

Only a person with the IQ of a fiddler crab would call insurance provided birth control a woman’s health issue.  Well that, or somebody who is so hopelessly to the left that they have given up on the constitution in favor of mob rule and free welfare cheese.  Insurance is there for life’s medical emergencies and things that are way out of our control.  If you hear the words “there is a shadow on your lung in the x-ray” insurance is meant to cover that.  If you trip over your wiener dog and break your arm,  Insurance is meant to cover that.  Even if you eat yourself into a rampaging case of diabetes, insurance covers that too.  To assume that insurance should cover Ms. Flukes’s birth control pre-supposes that she is a mindless rutting beast who is physically and intellectually incapable of saying “no” to sex.

Sandra Fluke complained that the price of her birth control was becoming burdensome.  The truth is that her sexual activity is purely recreational.  In other words, sex is her hobby.   Nobody should be mandated to pay for contraceptive devices  that she can easily provide for herself.  If insurance companies are mandated to start providing the accessories for our hobbies than shouldn’t they pay for my D&D supplies as part of a men’s health initiative?

In the end, there might be more going on here than just “health”.  By piling up more mandates, the government forces the insurer to pass the expense on to their customers.  If the premiums get so high that people can’t afford them, their business will evaporate and obviously an insurance company would go bankrupt.  If they try to keep up with every silly little mandate without raising prices, they will hemorrhage cash until they eventually close their doors.  Either way the outcome is the same.  Eventually the choices will become so few that most will wind up enrolled in Obamacare by default.  Who would have thought that the “death by a thousand cuts” approach to killing the healthcare industry would start with something wrapped in latex.

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Contraception: The Good, the Bad and the Flaccid

Thursday, February 16th, 2012 - by Brian James

For most people sex is a privilege, not a right.  There is an unfortunate minority for whom intercourse remains a distant hope, or worse, an impossible dream. Most of these people work in IT departments, and constitutionally probably only count as 3/5th of a person. So they can just toddle off and play with their Gameboys while the rest of us talk about contraception.

Don't Fence Me in

I started this column with the words that sex is a privilege, not a right. This is a true statement.  Unless you are a woman who calls O.J. Simpson or Ike Turner your significant other, chances are you are free to have a headache any time a random (or not so random) guy starts a conversation with a lascivious smile and the words “How you do’in?” Conversely, there are very few guys who are innocently walking down the street when a gang of horny women rip the clothing from their body and force him to give up his fluids at gunpoint. Whether we have sex or not is a conscious choice, not a random event. So why the hell should the federal government force insurance companies to provide birth control?

Let’s start with this fact: thanks to a media that is about as honest and genuine as a father’s day card from the Menendez brothers, a lot of people have forgotten exactly what “Health Insurance” is. For those whose minds have been twisted like salt water taffy over the issue, it’s time to go back to the bedrock of the situation. Health insurance was invented to help people defer the cost of medical care and was offered as perk from employers who had to fiercely compete for good employees in the boom following World War II. It was never intended to be a government mandate that financially covered the voluntary buffoonery that people willingly engage in.

At its base, health insurance is meant to be a financial cushion against the really bad things that can happen to us during the course of life. Cancer happens to people. Nobody can say “I’m just not in the mood tonight” and the cancer will go away. Cancer isn’t a choice. It is a life threatening random event that can wipe out a lifetime of savings while trying to fight it off.  I’m also sure nobody visits the Mustang Ranch and asks for the strep throat and salmonella package.  But federal government sure as hell wants those who pay insurance premiums to cover the birth control expenses for what does happen between a worker at the famous ranch and one of their patrons.

Let’s just drop the silliness that this is a woman’s health issue.  No woman ever uttered the words, “Gee, I better take my birth control pill before I get cancer.”  Conversely, no man has ever worn a condom like a compression sock in order to prevent varicose veins on his willy.  Sex is a voluntary activity, and contraception is the suggested safety equipment for those who want to play the recreational nookie game.  From an intellectually honest standpoint mandating that insurance cover birth control it is no different than demanding that the insurance companies to pay for a football players shoulder pads and helmet, or a leather jacket for those who recreationally ride motorcycles.

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Merry Christmas Madalyn Murray O’Hair (Wherever You Are)

Friday, December 16th, 2011 - by Brian James

Atheist icon Madalyn Murray O’Hair has, during this Christmas season, something very few of us get the benefit of. She has perspective. In 1995 she was kidnapped and killed by the office manager for “American Atheists”, David Roland Waters. Her body did not turn up until 2001. She had been cut up into a dozen pieces by her fellow Atheist and left in a shallow Texas grave as food for critters that sport an exoskeleton as well as apathy for the personal politics of the carcass that is providing them sustenance.

Only two people know what Madalyn’s last moments were like; Waters, and Murray O’Hair herself. Death was a certainty, and the best she could hope for (if her personal beliefs were correct) was a quick passage into non-existence, and the return or her earthly remains to the bottom of the food chain.


How depressing a thought is that? If you’re an atheist, your BEST case scenario after a short life is non-existence; and that is only IF you are right. No wonder atheists are so crabby. What is actually worse for these folks is that not all atheists are actually true atheists. Many, even possibly Madalyn Murray O’Hair, hold a very deep belief in God, but they hate him. Her actions, as well as the ones of those who followed her, are the acts of people who are trying to rage a war against their Creator.

 Regardless of our beliefs, we will all taste death.  What happens after that seems to be the bone of contention. In the atheist rhetoric, people get seventy or eighty short years, and then nothingness. If this was something they actually believed, most of them would not care if there is a cross at the Soledad National War Memorial, prayer in school, or an acknowledgement of God in the Pledge of Allegiance. Believers could pray to Jesus, Buddha, or Mr. Bubble; it would simply be irrelevant to the atheist. It is obvious, however, that care very deeply who you pray to.

Atheists seem very quiet when Federal, State, and City funds or facilities are used for religions that are not Christian. There is no outcry of “separation of church and state” when the Dali Lama speaks at a public college or university. Very little is also said by the atheists when New York public school students were taken to a Mosque as a field trip and they really didn’t seem to care about the “Muslim week” in the CA public schools.  The “no prayers in school” didn’t seem to apply when kids were forced to pray to Allah. They do have a fit if a high school student bows his or her head before lunch and gives thanks to God. They demand that kids who wear crosses or bring bibles to school either get rid of the offending object or be sent home (in some cases suspended). Atheists are now supporting the banning of private Bible studies in the dorm rooms of students who happen to attend public colleges. In short, atheists point their aggression towards the one religion they seem scared to death of, Christianity.

 Last time I checked, Christians were not performing “drive by” baptisms against atheists. There is no persecution of anyone who doesn’t wear a cross. Christianity should not pose any tangible threat to these people. Despite this, they seem determined to spend their very few years of existence bitterly fighting something which does not try to harm them.

Atheists in the Western World live in a civilization where they can fill their lives with every type of pleasure imaginable. In a short life that ultimately results in nothingness, a true atheist would live for their own transient happiness, because that is all they really have. If they were intellectually honest, they would use the energy they expend in a futile fight against Christianity in the west and direct it against the Muslim faith that is practiced in third world countries. This is a sect that would, if given the chance, deny them the sort of pleasure that we take granted, and seriously limit the quality of their short existence. They don’t believe in Allah, though. He is no more real to them than Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy. To them, fighting against Allah would be like shadow boxing, but because they believe in the Christian God, and don’t want any reminders of certain uncomfortable inevitable events, they must do their best to wipe society clean of all symbols of Christianity. Christmas, and all its religious imagery tops this list of things that must go.

 Christmas is hard on atheists. If they actually believed the “truth” that there is no God, and nothing beyond this life, they would simply shrug the whole thing off and take advantage of the holiday sales. Even though that mother they pass in the store, holding the hand of her four year old, and humming “Hark the Herald Angels Sing” obviously hasn’t bought into the atheist’s “truth” the thought of a Savior born in Bethlehem makes her happy. Her end will be the same bleak end as the atheists, so no harm, no foul, right? Once again, this only works if these folks really don’t believe in God.

 To the atheist, Christmas is the outward expression and amplification of all the fears and doubts they won’t publicly acknowledge. In those private moments, those solitary moments, those laying in bed and thinking at three in the morning moments, there is that tiny little voice that talks about death and it just won’t shut up. It is the feeling of hopeless doubt and fear that grips the mind and just won’t let go until you drown it out with the television, a stiff drink, or an entire bag of Oreos. Most Christians remember those moments. Christmas is the celebration of the silencing of this voice and the laying impotent this fear.

There is a joy to Christmas that atheists simply, voluntarily, opt out of. To them the holiday is just something from “Target” wrapped in pretty paper that is soon forgotten. To Christians it is the gift of a child that ensures our best case scenario is better than a shallow grave in Texas and nonexistence (not to mention the nullifying of a worst case scenario that is beyond imagination). Christians celebrate out of gratitude for what our creator has bestowed upon us, but Christmas is actually more for that atheist who is suing school children for bringing a bible to class, than it is for the Christian. Christians enjoy Christmas, atheists need Christmas. The child it celebrates acts as a constant lifeline that is available to them whether they want it or not. Oddly, though, that seems to be the part they resent the most.

We know why atheists try to ruin Christmas for everyone else. It is out of fear and sheer hate of a God they believe in. The last few years have not been kind to their efforts, and reversal of legal fortunes has ensured that the lifeline for the atheist is still visible, especially at this time of year.  Even Wal-Mart has bowed to public pressure and gone back to “Merry Christmas” instead of “Happy Holidays” or some drivel about a solstice.

We now live in an atmosphere where going out and caroling has become an act of defiance, many Christians are getting war-weary of fighting the annual holiday battle (as well as fighting the other shoppers, the logistics of family, the snow, frustrated hunters who will settle for shooting an arrow into your light-up deer when they have failed to kill a real one, etc), for them I leave these simple words as a reminder of what the whole thing is all about:

“Mild he lays his glory by; born that man no more may die; born to raise the sons of earth born to give them second birth”

Merry Christmas

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Dunder Mifflin: Ground Zero of the Zombie Apocalypse

Thursday, November 10th, 2011 - by Brian James

The lifeless body of Dwight Schrute returned to television this year to sell paper and feed off of the living…in tiny, 30 minute increments. Most of the rest of the cast came shuffling along with him along the undead trail of tears that is this season of the office.

Night of the Living Dwight

For all intents and purposes The Office died last year when Steve Carell left the show. He apparently took their collective brain with him when he walked away, leaving the rest of the show to exist using only the stem.

The problem with continuing The Office past last season is that as far as the death of a series goes, the season finale last summer was a beautiful one. In final scene of the Steve Carell’s last episode we watched as Michael Scott removed his microphone and walked away from the film crew to board the plane that would permanently take him away from Scranton Pennsylvania and off to a new life. Pam, the only member of the office that he had not had a chance to say goodbye too, rushed into the shot, carrying her shoes (she had presumably bought a ticket and had to get through the airport security screening in order to catch up with Michael before he got on his flight). They hug, and the audience watches as the shows two principal characters share an emotional farewell. Because Michael has removed his microphone the viewers can see them speaking to one another, but are not privy to the words that pass between them.

There were no more lines spoken in this episode to spoil that scene. That moment was allowed to stand on its own. As a series finale they couldn’t have done better. It wrapped things up with emotion and grace. The Office peacefully and beautifully died right there.

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