Ah, bathing suit shopping season is here! I can hear the groans of moms all over America agonizing over dimply thighs, loose belly skin, and stretch marks. I hear it all the time from friends: “I could never wear a bikini,” or “No one needs to see that,” and it makes me sad. It’s true that our string bikini days may be behind us, but that doesn’t mean we who have borne future generations and wear the scars in so many ways must be relegated to the tankini “mom suit” section at Target. I happen to know that no matter what size mom you are, your body works hard for you every day and it certainly doesn’t deserve an ugly bathing suit for the few fleeting times you get to relax by a pool.
The bikini is a wonderful thing. It is a sun-celebrating piece of freedom that reminds us of the summers of childhood, when we didn’t worry about what other people might think as they drove by and saw us running topless through sprinklers with total joy. (Yes, the children did that in our neighborhood when we were too lazy to get suits on. Underwear seemed good enough.) Somewhere along the way, we became embarrassed of our bodies and it crippled our ability to find the simple joy in sun worshiping.
I know you. You stand in front of the mirror in your old lady suit and agonize over the cellulite and stretch marks. You hate the way it looks and you just know that everyone at the pool is going to judge you and laugh at you because you don’t look like a 20-year-old hard body. So you grab your cover up and avoid taking it off, even when you’re so hot you’re melting. You won’t even join your kids when they want you to play in the water with them. This has to stop. Here are the best reasons you should buy (and wear) a bikini this summer.
9. Fat looks better tan.
You heard me. You know it’s true. Wear your sunscreen, but get that belly out there. Whichever part of your body you hate the most, you will hate a little less when it’s brown. If you’re naturally brown you already have a leg up on all of us pigmentally challenged girls. Brown is better. (Please avoid cancer and orange spray tans.)
8. You are way smaller than you think you are.
I don’t care if you’re a size 22, you are smaller than you think you are. There was a TV show called “How to Look Good Naked,” where the host would take a woman and show her twelve or so women lined up from smallest size to largest size in order. The host would ask the woman to place herself where she thought she belonged in the line. Without fail, every woman who appeared on that show put herself five to six sizes larger than she actually was. That’s a huge psychological discrepancy! Your biggest critic is you.
7. No one cares.
You think people at the beach or pool are all waiting for you to show up so they can critique your suit, your stretch marks, your belly fat, your arms, your knees and every other thing you hate about you. They’re not. They’re all worried that you are judging them for the same things. Absolutely no one is looking at you and thinking about you. Everyone is self-focused (unfortunately) and probably web surfing, so there’s really no reason to worry.
6. Today’s body looks better than tomorrow’s body.
Every day you are getting older. I learned this lesson the hard way. I spent the first half of my adult life in constant agony over my body and my imagined “fat.” After giving birth to my third baby and many pounds and sizes later, I looked back at my 20-year-old rockin’ bod and felt sick. I thought that was fat? I was clearly out of my mind. I was a size 6 soaking wet. Now I’m almost 40 and very aware that 20 years from now I will look back at photos from now and say, “I thought that was fat?” or “Look at how smooth my skin was.” So enjoy now. Because now won’t last forever and you look great right now.
5. Bathroom breaks.
Have you tried to go to the bathroom in a wet one piece? Impossible.
4. Tankinis are cold.
The tankini was a good idea and most moms I know love them. But I can’t get into it. Every one I try is too loose on top and slaps wet against my skin in a cold, uncomfortable way. When I’m playing in the sun I don’t want to be cold.
3. High-waisted bikinis are back.
The answer to the baby belly is finally here (again). The 1950′s high-waisted bikini bottoms are back and they are adorable. I wore mine to the pool the other day and a skinny teenager came over to ooh and ahh over my suit. That’s right. An 18-year-old with washboard abs had to know where I got it. I can’t say it didn’t make my day. Old Hollywood is back and that’s good news for those of us with mom curves. Go check out the bikinis at my favorite website SwimSuitsForAll.
2. It is what it is.
You are who you are. We’re all on a diet. We’re all trying to get more fit, exercise more, and lose weight. And that’s great. Good for us. But don’t live for tomorrow. Don’t deny yourself happiness today because you might be thinner later and then you can be happy. You’re a hard working mother and a role model for those kids. They’re watching you and they know if you are embarrassed of yourself or if you love you. They will emulate you. It is especially important for moms of girls to show them that different body shapes are worthy and okay because they are constantly bombarded by unrealistic images of airbrushed women. The crazed feminists and I agree on this one thing. Women have to stop shaming themselves and one another for not looking like chicks in magazines. It is so important to impart that being healthy does not mean a girl must be a size 4 and that girls of all sizes can exercise and eat well and wear attractive bathing suits! Teach them that! For moms of boys, it is also important to show them that all different kinds of women are attractive, not just the ones they see on TV. Most likely those boys are going to marry girls whose bodies will change after childbirth. Being surrounded by unafraid women of all sizes is good for boys.
We are leaving tomorrow at the crack of dawn for 7 days of wonderful, relaxing family fun on a river in Michigan somewhere. We are staying in a lovely log cabin and we are going to spend our days basking in the sun, catching fish, and listening to our children’s laughter as they hold hands and skip rocks. At night we will sit around a fire and make popcorn and sing camp songs and bond. No one will have an iPhone or a Kindle and our one week of the year we spend away together will make all the toil of the rest of the year a distant memory as we enjoy one another on the shores of a riverbank that dreams are made of.
Yeah, right. Here are 5 reasons that won’t be happening:
5. Packing is hard work.
It’s 11:45pm the night before the trip and Mr. Fox is stalking through the house and to the car, over and over again, with thunder in his eyes because we miscalculated the size of our minivan versus the size of two coolers, four suitcases, a badminton set (because who doesn’t need one of those when camping?) dual DVD players, fishing gear, baby seat, diaper bag, linens, towels, floaties, beach towels, tent, toy bags, and a week’s worth of groceries. We thought we were being super smart by doing our grocery shopping before we got to our destination, saving the extensive Walmart trip once we arrived, but we hadn’t considered there’s simply no room with all the other stuff. It’s still up in the air what’s getting left behind, but it better not be the tequila. And don’t forget all the unpacking! We have to set up the house when we get there and then pack it all up again to leave and unpack again when we get home. 50% of this trip is spent packing and unpacking! We’re only on the first leg of a 4-step packing process and I’m already exhausted.
4. Why must we be up with the rooster?
We leave at 7 a.m. Normally, this is the time of morning I studiously avoid, but we’re on vacation here. This is no time for sleeping. Oh no! We must be up and out the door with two half-asleep kids and a cranky baby with no breakfast at 7 a.m. — sharp. Thirty minutes into the trip someone is going to have to pee and I will spend 15 minutes trying to locate that child’s left shoe under the toy bags, 2 pillows, four blankets, and copious snacks. Exactly 30 minutes later the other child, who refused to pee at the last stop because she “didn’t have to go” will be begging to stop because she’s going to have an accident. I will again spend 15 minutes of that stop searching for a shoe. Once we are back on the road, the baby will wake up and begin to scream because we stopped too many times and he hates car seats. This scenario will repeat every hour for 8 hours. Let the fun commence!
3. Everyone will not get along.
Parents have high expectations for vacations because, let’s face it, vacations pre-children were pretty awesome. No matter where you went or what you did, there were long walks and beer at sunset, dancing or drinks on the beach, long uninterrupted nights of sleep, party boats and no one screaming at you because you didn’t listen to them tell you their side of the story for the third time, ten decibels louder. We carry these expectations into parenting and when we take our children on vacation we expect them to take a break from all their crap. They never do. This one found a purple rock and the other one didn’t and you will hear about it for the rest of your life. Kids simply don’t care that they’re ruining your vacation. They just do it. And yet, we keep taking them on vacation with us.
In “Why Atheists are a Myth,” Frank J. Fleming suggests that people are scared of atheists because they perceive them to have no moral code, thus making them capable of anything. Fleming refutes this perception by pointing out that most atheists borrow their morality from religion, even though they call it logic. This is an astute observation and one I would never argue with. However, while they may borrow their ideas of equality from religion, their moral code of justice — when their gods of science are challenged — comes straight from the pit of Hell.
If you want to know why people dislike atheists, it’s because they’re thoroughly dislikeable. And if you should find yourself on the wrong side of atheists, like I did by simply posting a video of myself walking through the Field Museum in Chicago asking questions about evolution — a topic many still view as controversial — be prepared to have to go to the police and file reports of harassment and cyberstalking. You are not allowed to question the gods of the atheists, namely Darwin and the scientists who bow at the altar of Darwin. If you do, you’ll face nothing but insults, harassment, death and rape threats, as I quickly found out after my video went viral. Atheists come off as people who want to force their beliefs down your throat. Anyone who objects is held up as the dumbest person on earth, worthy of public flogging and abuse.
Contrarily, when you disagree with people who believe God is the creator, like Steve Ham at the Creation Museum in Kentucky, they have nothing but love for you and words of encouragement. It makes you wonder about the emotional maturity of atheists when the best they can do is hurl threats and vulgarities at people who dare to question their sacred cows. Steve and Ken Ham, CEO of the Creation Museum, are on the receiving end of vomitous atheist bile on a daily basis and their only response is, “Please come and talk with us. We want you to be saved. We love you.”
When you boil it all down to the basics of the argument over the origins of man, it really means nothing about anything today. Whether you believe the earth is 4 billion years old and all life came from one ancestor, or you believe that God did it in exactly 6 days 6000 years ago, or you think aliens did it — or even if you think that Atlas himself is holding the earth on his shoulders while standing on a giant turtle – life as you know it will go on.
Whatever your beliefs about human origins, you can become the greatest neurosurgeon on earth — because neuroscience doesn’t require belief in a specific version of the historical origins of life on earth. Or you can become the world’s greatest engineer, even if you believe that humans rode around on dinosaurs (because engineering doesn’t require intense belief in Charles freaking Darwin). It is in no way a predictor of how successful you can or will be in your chosen career field.
So why are there entire special interest groups set up to ensure that no American school child ever hears any other theory beside Darwin’s? Why are the atheists demanding my children be taken away from me for “child abuse” because I think Darwin’s evolutionary origins theory stinks? Why are they all screaming that my ideas are “dangerous” (yes, dangerous, they said). Dangerous to whom? Dangerous to what? None of that has been made clear, but what is exceedingly transparent is that the most vocal atheists are seriously angry individuals who cannot abide free thought. At heart they are tyrants desiring to rule us with iron fists.
I don’t claim to know how old the earth is or how life began (although I strongly suspect it was guided by intelligent design), but I’m very certain they don’t know either. Acknowledging that would serve them well.
On the next page are a few examples from my social media feeds to demonstrate why people dislike atheists. They illustrate common atheist debate tactics.
For the past year and a half I’ve been fighting the Orland Park Public Library, trying to get them to stop allowing men to access porn — and even child porn — on library computers (they even permit public masturbation!). To date, not one man has come forward at a board meeting or in the press to say, “I want porn in the library! Don’t take my favorite pastime from me!” The reason is clear. No one thinks it’s okay to watch porn in the library, including the guys who do it. Still, libraries across the country continue to allow it and men continue to watch porn at public libraries. Since I’ve never been afforded the opportunity to talk to one of these creeps, I thought maybe I could get some of them to respond to an open letter of sorts. Here are 7 questions I have for guys who watch porn at the library:
1. What do you think this is? An adult bookstore?
One of my all time favorite Cleveland reporters, Carl Monday, loves to sneak up on guys watching porn in the public library and shout at them, “Where do you think you are? An adult bookstore?” Honestly, the question needs to be asked. There are places designated for guys to go and watch porn — and even to masturbate. They’re called porn shops and adult theaters. (Actually, I think they arrest guys caught masturbating there…so what does it say when porn shops call the cops on fondlers but a library refuses to do so?) On what planet is it okay to watch X- rated material — out in the open — in a public area where children are present and then to take your penis out and play with it? Seriously, I ask you … WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? Have you no sense of shame?
2. Does your mother know you do this?
Everyone has a mother, even the library pervert. Does she know you do this? Better yet, what’s her name because I want to look her up and have a conversation with her about what you are doing. Do you know you are shaming your mother? Do you care?
Recently, a woman was kicked out of Planet Fitness for complaining about a “transwoman” in the locker room. For those still unaware of all the terms, transwoman is a man who feels like a woman today and so he gets all the perks of being a woman including the use of a ladies locker room and the right claim he has PMS. We are not talking about a transgendered person who went through surgery and had male parts removed but a man, born with male privilege and a penis in a dress wandering around in the room earmarked for people with vaginas. The woman who complained and tried to warn other women, who are historically at risk from men with penises, had her gym membership unceremoniously revoked. Her crime was her unreasonable assumption that the rights of women to feel safe are more important than a man’s right to feel pretty, or something.
This preferential treatment of bizarre men is happening in libraries too. At the Orland Park Public Library in Illinois, strange men who like to become sexually aroused in a building full of children are protected by female librarians and the big and powerful lobbying group, The American Library Association, under the guise of “intellectual freedom” as they masturbate in front of public computers while watching porn. Deviant men are given more rights in public libraries than women patrons and even the women working there. Two female employees complained to the female director about sexual harassment and were told they could leave if they would not look the other way.
There is a War on Women and it is coming from an unlikely source: Other women. For years the feminists have been hawking “sex positive” causes, which are generally horrific episodes of bad judgment dressed up like education. One involved a dildo on a reciprocating saw used on a woman (by a man) in front of a human sexuality class at Northwestern University. For real. Campuses nationwide are awash in “sex-positive” education, none of which appears to take the safety of women very seriously as they loudly proclaim anal sex is something all women should want to do like porn stars (while taught by actual porn stars… nevermind anal tearing and fissures folks. Don’t be such a prude!)
The unintended consequence of “educating” society that all forms of sexual expression should be celebrated and encouraged is finding out that women now have to endure the most bizarre sexual fetishes of men in the public library or gym locker room. Any complaints about safety will not be taken seriously. After all, you asked for it with your Slut Walks and Sex Weeks and Vagina Monologues. Nothing is off limits and now men are empowered to act out their basest desires in front of women, around women and in formerly safe spaces for women whether women like it or not (because you know you like it, you prude! Cosmo and Feministing says you do.)
So, dear Sister, don’t even think about whining when some potential rapist with a penis is staring you down as you exit the shower at the gym or some weirdo is accessing child porn in the library while you’re there with your kids. No one will care and no one will stop it. You’re on your own, baby. Because feminism.
Feminism has begun eating itself. Founded on the principle that women should have an equal voice in politics and in the workplace, it has degenerated to putting women right back where they started, under men for the pleasure of men. And these days, thanks to pro-porn feminism, the men are wielding sex toys hooked up to power tools. I can’t think of a stronger image of male dominance over women and, incredibly it was brought to us by “sex-positive feminists” who claim to want to destroy the patriarchy.
Sex-positive feminism brought us the acceptance and embracing of the “C” word so it’s not surprising that any woman on Twitter is called the “C” word in vile ways by young males for expressing her opinion on, well, anything including basketball. It’s hard to combat the charges of women being nothing but dirty whores when for the last decade or so the loudest feminists have been lauding whoring.
Going forward, a new wave of feminism is desperately needed. Where are the women who have noticed the “sex positive” crowd is bringing more devastation to the lives of women than help? (Feminist writer Jean Hatchet seems to be getting it penning, “Free the men. They are oppressed by bras.”) Human trafficking is at an all time high, men are accosting women in public places that should be safe for women, men are openly harassing women online and men are using extreme violence against women in porn. These are real and pressing issues. Ladies, it’s time to put down your vibrators and look around. You’re causing damage.
image illustration via shutterstock / Artem Furman
I’m not sure when it happened, but sometime between 1989 and 2015 “the village” lost its mind. It seems like every day there are reports of parents being arrested for simply letting their children play outside without hovering over them. The things parents are being arrested for are the exact same things that we were allowed to do when we were kids.
As a result, neighborhood streets are empty and parents are terrified to allow free, unsupervised play. These are not toddlers we are talking about but 8, 9, 10 and 11 year-olds who are being taught they have no right to play at the neighborhood parks without the ever watchful eyes of parents. Debra Harrell is one mother who bears the scars of the nanny state encroaching on her right to parent for allowing her 9 year old to play in the park instead of sit with her at work all day. Nicole Gainey is another mother who was arrested for letting her 7 year old go to the neighborhood park unsupervised. Tammy Cooper was arrested for letting her two children ride bikes outside of her home. She is suing and I hope she wins.
These are just a few of the ,any stories popping up all around the country as our culture nosedives into total acceptance of a surveillance state. Our children are suffering under unreasonable restrictions and we should be concerned about their ability to function independently as adults. And maybe that’s the purpose — to retard the development of dependent children into independent adults so that children go seamlessly from dependence on parents to dependence on an all-powerful government. We should fight this in our own homes and seek to produce highly independent and therefore inherently American citizens.
Here are 10 ways to do that:
10. Play on “dangerous” playground equipment
Has your park taken down all teeter-totters? Are merry-go-rounds a thing of the past? Build some in your backyard. Monkey bars look too high? Let them swing on them anyway. We are simply too concerned with the safety of children around things that really are not that unsafe. If Little Jimmy gets a broken arm, he’ll also get a memory of an itchy cast and friends who signed it and learning how to do stuff with his other hand along with all that extra attention from Mom. It’s not the end of the world.
Editor’s Note: This article was first published as “Seven Last-Minute, Do-It-Yourself Gifts for Under $20” in 2011 and is now resurrected and republished as part of the Ghost-Lists of Christmas Past Series.
If the pepper-sprayed shoppers at Walmart on Black Friday are any indication, Americans are desperate for a good deal (and lacking in basic social skills). There are some good buys at the big box stores and I’m not against shopping at them, but this year even they are too pricey for our single-income household. Not only are times tough for my family, but for the country too. It is distressing to be unable to find items made here — or even Canada for that matter — or any other country that doesn’t hate us. Even toys that say “Made in America” turn out to be merely assembled here after the parts come from China. Retailers are catching onto the public disapproval and are changing the labels to use sneaky wording like “Made in PRC,” otherwise known as the People’s Republic of China, for the unsuspecting.
Inevitably, when you buy the plastic stuff made in “PRC” a few weeks later you’ll nearly disable your foot on a piece of it on the living room rug in the dead of night while trying to get to the bathroom. Or, even worse, that thing your precious cherub wanted so badly sits collecting dust and ends up in a give-a-way bag. Don’t pour money down the drain to China this year. Instead, support local businesses while working on your creative skills with these homemade gifts that your family will cherish. If you have any cooks in the family, this first gift is made just for them!
Editor’s Note: See some of Megan Fox’s previous posts about her activism to change the policies at the Orland Park Public Library. (Note here how her work even inspired a sympathetic joke on Saturday Night Live.) Today she now reports on the concrete effects of her activism and journalism as the library has changed policies and further corruption has been revealed through her Freedom of Information Act requests.
Porn, child porn, and public masturbation are big problems for public libraries nationwide. But parents who fight against these things often get discouraged and give up when met with the aggressive resistance on the part of the libraries who defend their no-rules attitude when it comes to the “rights” of sex offenders and perverts who like to view adult material around children. One year ago, it was discovered that child porn was accessed at the Orland Park Public Library in Illinois and staff covered it up for more than two years and never alerted the authorities. Several other incidents involving illegal sex acts in the library were found where police, again, were not notified. You can read about all that here. After a solid year of battle, several accomplishments were made despite an unwilling board that has dug in deeper than NORAD in their attempt to prove a point (that they are not wrong) and ingratiate themselves with the American Library Association (which is run by crazy people who think it’s okay for a six year old to have access to video games where raping and killing prostitutes and stealing cars is “winning”).
In just one year, positive changes at the Orland Park Public Library (OPPL) have been enormous. Be encouraged that you truly can bring change to your community with a little perseverance and optimism.
10. How hard it is to change a diaper on a tiny human
Newborns are tiny (at least mine are), and you forget how tiny until you try to change a diaper. There’s that umbilical cord to avoid which is awkward and nerve-wracking (even for an old pro like me). First, you have to take off the soiled diaper, then you have to pry those curled up legs away from the area to be cleaned (which is not easy… they are strong suckers!). Finally, you must attach the new diaper to this tiny, struggling being. This can take several tries.
During that time, you most assuredly will be peed on, causing you to have to reach for a new diaper. This scenario can repeat several times before you get it right. Also, newborns hate diaper changing. HATE. They scream the whole time. Dressing them is next to impossible, too. For some reason they anchor their little elbows to their sides like their life depends on NOT putting sleeves on. Sleeves are damned near impossible. When will someone invent an infant straitjacket-like garment where one can just put their arms inside their clothes?
OMG. Someone has.
As I sit here, 3 days shy of the due date of my third child, I have had time to reflect on all that really annoys me about this last stage of pregnancy. Chief among them is the stupid things people say. Yes, some of you people are people I love, but I’m allowed to be grouchy. Someone is literally sitting on my last nerve causing my right leg to be numb most of the time. There are lots of things you don’t say to pregnant women like “Hey, you’re not really eating for two!” or “You look tired,” but nothing rankles more than when in the last days of pregnancy people seem to lose their sensitivity controls. The following are things I’ve heard in the last week that make me want to high five someone… in the face.
7. “Enjoy this time. You’re going to miss it.”
I did enjoy this pregnancy and that ended about one month ago. The belly was fun, the cute maternity shirts were fun (back when they fit me). I enjoyed walking back then, I sort of remember what that was like to get out and stroll about without pain and constant fear of a jab to the cervix at an inopportune time that almost sends me to my knees weeping. But at about 8 months along all of that became a distant memory. There’s absolutely nothing I’m going to miss about being 40 weeks pregnant. Every fetal movement is painful and most of the time it’s excruciating; strangers look at me with their finger on the 911 button because I’ve just cried out in public and grabbed my extended belly and they think I’m in labor. Nope, not labor, just a future martial-arts expert kicking the crap out of my spleen.
But thanks for the concern.
I’m not going to miss having to pull myself into the car in three deliberate maneuvers trying not to aggravate the round ligament pain flare-ups. (If you don’t know what that is, just thank God and move on.) I will not miss the searing heartburn and acid reflux that no amount of antacid will quench and that wake me up literally gagging for air every hour every night. I will not miss the constant trips to the bathroom only to find out there’s nothing in my bladder, just someone on it. I will not miss dropping things I care about on the ground and leaving them there to avoid having to bend over to fetch them. Goodbye iPhone. That’s what insurance is for. I will not miss crying for no reason while chopping vegetables and having to explain to my children why Mommy is sobbing. “I DON’T KNOW, OK?? You people cry whenever you want, why can’t I?”
Please stop telling me I am going to miss this time. It makes me want to throw things at your head.
I knew this day would come. I’ve been wondering when I would feel compelled to write about the “other” Megan Fox who is a part of my daily life whether I want her to be or not. Grocery store checkout girls gasp and giggle at the sight of my credit card, AT&T phone operators in India ask trepidatiously if I’m really HER. Several times a day, I hear, “Megan Fox? Like the movie star!” Why yes. Yes I am. I’m becoming like that poor guy named Donald Trump who is not Donald Trump but gets reservations anywhere he wants while disappointing countless hostesses. It’s mostly tiresome but sometimes funny. Recently, Fox (the other one) made the news for speaking truthfully about the state of her heart when it comes to making movies when she has small children at home:
“I’ve never been an extraordinarily ambitious girl or career-oriented, but especially once I got pregnant with my first son and now [having] my second, it’s so hard to be a working mom especially when your heart is not in your work, when your heart is with your family.”
Megan Fox is experiencing what most mothers feel the moment they set eyes on their tiny new child. Suddenly, everything else becomes less important, even when you’re a big time movie star. Regardless of what faux feminists tell women that they can “have it all” or they should never give up the rat race and press ahead by hiring nannies and using daycare, Fox isn’t falling for it, and neither do most of us. This is not to say there aren’t countless women who have to work who would rather not. They are in the same category as Fox. Necessity demands they work but deep down, here are the reasons they’d prefer not to.
5. Your giggling baby.
You never know what’s going to set them off. You don’t want to miss it when it happens.
Walt Disney’s Frozen is a huge hit and is causing some serious angst among mothers (like me) who are frantically trying to find Elsa and Anna costumes for their little girls. Normally, The Disney Store would be stocked with dresses and merchandise in preparation for a new release. For some reason, the brains in marketing dropped the ball on Frozen and there are now empty shelves where merchandise should be.
The most coveted items are the costumes. Disney makes these for around $50 each. You’ve all seen them: shiny, itchy ball gowns for little girls to play pretend. At some point, Disney stopped making quality items and outsourced everything to China where everything is cheaply manufactured with hideous material that falls apart within a year of playing. Up until now, we’ve all just put up with it and accepted that we must buy these costumes so our daughters can have their fantasy play.
It is a lot of fun to watch them pretend in these get-ups, but I started to realize they are seriously not worth the money when my oldest daughter, Kit, was visiting Walt Disney World for the first time. She had just visited the Bibbity Boppity Boo Salon where they give the children a princess makeover and do their hair and nails and give them a princess costume and a photo shoot, for the bargain price of $200 per child. (I did NOT pay for this. My parents decided they had to have this for their grandchildren. For the record, I objected to this foolish expenditure but grandparents are entitled to do what they want.)
Kit was beyond thrilled. She chose a Jasmine costume for her makeover and she looked adorable with a pink hair piece and crazy nails. However, within 10 minutes of leaving the air conditioned salon she began to sweat profusely in the Florida sun. By the time we reached the Jungle Cruise in Adventureland she was ready for her cotton shorts and teeshirt back. Her fantasy of wandering the parks in her costume ended there. Whose bright idea was this to make these things out of non-breathable polyester and non-washable acrylic?
As she got older, she began to stop dressing up, claiming she itched too bad and the costumes were uncomfortable. Who could blame her? They feel like scouring pads. Her little sister, Kat, still loves to dress up and it is she that sent me on the hunt for the elusive Elsa costume.
What I found disturbed me.
Here they are selling Elsa costumes (the same cheap, Chinese manufactured garbage) that goes for $50 at the Disney Store for $225 by Amazon poachers. The comments are especially entertaining. This is because Disney didn’t have the foresight to have enough merchandise for the demand and now enterprising scalpers are pillaging the pockets of desperate parents. Since Kat’s birthday is in July, I want an Elsa costume to give her by then. Clearly, I am not going to find the Disney version in time. It occurred to me to search Etsy, a website where handcrafted items are sold, and what I found there has turned me off from cheap and itchy Disney costumes forever.
Here are the 10 best, most creative Frozen costumes on Etsy that you can buy right now with no waiting or supporting of stupid companies that don’t seem to care about customer service.
I just returned from a vacation to Walt Disney World with my family and I took plenty of video to highlight the new changes that are happening at the Orlando resorts that are billed as “the happiest place on Earth.” I doubt I’m the only one who thinks they have been happier in the past.
By way of introduction, we waited until we were 30 minutes outside of WDW (or “Disney” as most people I know call it) to tell our daughters (ages 8 and 4) where we were going. They were in the back of our van on a 20 hour trip without knowing where we were headed because we wanted to give them the magical experience of thinking they were headed to a dreary, dusty-sounding place called “Rattlesnake Ranch” and then be delighted to discover they were in that “happiest place on Earth” instead. That surprise was truly fun.
But imagine after finding out you’re headed to ”Disney” that the minute you get there you are turned away like the Griswold family at the fictional Wally World in the old National Lampoon’s Vacation movie with Chevy Chase and Beverly D’Angelo. Seriously. This began my first experience with the Not-So-MagicBands you may have heard about.
Is it the fluoride in the water? The GMOs? The petroleum-based dyes in all the food and body products? Is it the constant addiction to social media? What is it that we’re doing to ourselves that has zombified the world? Why are people so oblivious to things that would have made them jump for joy 40 years ago? What has happened to humanity that we can stand on a train platform and hear THIS… and ignore it?
Am now taking on a limited number of piano students. Direct message me for more info..
— Henri Herbert (@HenriHerbert) January 29, 2014
To Henri Herbert, I’d like to apologize for the majority of humanity surrounding you when you gave them this gift who never even noticed. And thanks for trying to bring joy and happiness into this dark, strange place where beautiful music doesn’t move people anymore. (Even the ones paying attention stood there listening as if it were a lecture on economics… zzzzzzzz.) I’m terribly sorry you are giving piano lessons for pay and Britney Spears is buying another mansion. I also would like to apologize that you must live in a world where Justin Bieber would have been mobbed and you sat there, playing your heart out while some guy next to you listened to his iTunes (probably Bieber). Good Lord, what is happening? If anyone needs reeducation camps, it’s these clueless people. WAKE UP to the beauty around you, folks. It’s everywhere (not just on your iGadget).
I first saw it at the Super Bowl performance when Beyonce gyrated and snarled at an adoring audience through a wall of fire. That performance went beyond symbolism and into revelation. It was the coming out of a very old and very powerful spirit revealing itself to the world, and I’m not the only one who noticed:
“We are very disappointed in the failure of the public to recognize the existence of a divine Deity walking among them,” the church’s founder Pauline John Andrews stated. “Deity’s often walk the Earth in their flesh form. Beyonce will transcend back to the spirit once her work here on Mother Earth has been completed.”
“As our congregation continues to swell, we ask that you consider what is more real; an invisible spirit on high, or a walking, talking, breathing Goddess who shows you her true form daily? Beyonce’s spirit is entrancing. We know that she was sent to this place to spread love, peace, and joy. While we do not believe Beyonce to be the Creator, we recognize that she still sits among the throne of Gods.
I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but they’re right (sort of). Beyonce is definitely not the Creator. But she is channeling the ancient spirit of a goddess everyone knows, although her powers are not “peace, love and joy” but sexuality, violence and death. She is Astarte, Asherat, Ishtar, or Aphrodite, whichever name you prefer, and the spirit that has come to rest in her is one that has been here for a very long time meting out all kinds of destruction on human kind. Sexual immorality, disease, death, murder, war — these are her calling cards. She also needs the adoration of the throngs. She craves it, and she gets it. That thing that sort of looked like Beyonce at the Super Bowl commanding people to reach out their hands so she could “feel their energy” was not Beyonce but an ancient goddess coming out in plain daylight. Whether you believe it literally or figuratively is of little importance. Idol worship is alive and well and today’s idols are no different than the ones made out of gold thousands of years ago.
Watch the video on the next page.
I was born on Tax Day, April 15, 1976. It was the bicentennial, the 200th anniversary of our country’s founding and all babies born that year had their photo taken in front of a flag. There’s even a Facebook page dedicated to those of us born in 1976 (granted, it only has about 26 likes so I guess no one really cares about the bicentennial anymore.) As a child, nothing out of the ordinary struck me about my birthday, aside from my dislike of the month of April in Illinois which is usually rainy and very cold (this year it’s actually snowing.) I do remember that my Dad never forgot my birthday and he seemed to find that funny. He used to laugh and call me “Daddy’s little tax deduction,” which, of course meant nothing to me as a care-free child. As I got older, that all changed and as I became politically aware (and very conservative) the irony of my birthday began to sink in.
My birthday took on a whole new significance on April 15, 2009 when I attended my first Tea Party in Chicago inspired by Rick Santelli’s epic rant on the trading floor of the Mercantile Exchange. It was bitterly cold (as usual during April in Chicago) but hundreds of people showed up and walked for hours protesting the unreasonable ever-growing federal power over our lives. At the time the bailouts of corporations and the corruption of Fannie and Freddie were hot topics. The middle class was suffering under huge tax burdens and the government was growing bigger every day. (Nothing has changed.) The Tea Party as it exists now did not exist that day. It was just the beginning.
I’ve always believed God has a sense of humor, and my birthday is proof. Every year I’m forced to snicker at the irony that I was born on what would become the symbol of all that’s wrong with America, and in the very year that celebrated our independence from tyranny. Prophetic? Most definitely, considering I would end up spending my adult life exposing government idiocy, tax waste and fraud and fighting against our ever-growing government.
While researching how public libraries became a popular spot for weirdos to go and watch porn (especially child porn) on free, untraceable WiFi, I discovered something truly hideous. There is an entire community out there who film themselves masturbating in libraries (usually while watching porn on publicly funded WiFi) and then upload these videos to porn sites. People are making porn in public libraries.
Don’t take my word for it; go to any porn site and type in “library” in the search function (preferably on your own WiFi at home where there are no children present). But I warn you, it’s gag-inducing. But even so, I do believe it’s important to know what’s potentially lurking at your public library.
The American Library Association is to blame for this. They have adopted such a radical position against censorship of any kind (unless it’s censorship of the Second Amendment) that they actively promote porn watching in public libraries that leads to the making of pornography on publicly funded WiFi. The ALA has been voted consistently on the list of the Dirty Dozen, twelve organizations that are the biggest purveyors of porn in America as compiled by PornHarms.com.
There are those of you out there who will say the ALA is not actively pushing porn and that it is a side effect of freedom. You’re wrong. Judith Krug, the person solely responsible for the ALA’s pro-porn position, didn’t even want to censor bestiality! (These are the same librarians who censor conservative books and websites like White Girl Bleed A Lot, btw.) Krug was not afraid to voice her thoughts on “censorship.”
Blocking material leads to censorship. That goes for pornography and bestiality, too. If you don’t like it, don’t look at it…. Every time I hear someone say, I want to protect the children, I want to pull my hair out.
Parents who would tell their children not to read Playboy don’t really care about their kids growing up and learning to think and explore. (9/18/95 Citizen, quoting Judith Krug)
Because protecting children is so 1950s. Grow up, kids! Seeing a little goat sex or a creep fondling himself while staring at you won’t hurt you. And if it does, it’s your parents’ problem, not publicly paid employees who are supposed to be seeing to the general welfare.
Sharyl Attkisson, who recently gave up her job at CBS citing censorship of her investigative reporting on the Obama administration has reported some interesting facts about journalism today in an interview with Chris Stigall. After spilling shocking details about the level of coordination between the press and the White House (including pre-arranged questions with the press secretary) she went on to dish about how investigative reporting is dying out.
She also said it is more and more difficult for investigative reporters to get their stories published or on the air because of the trouble it may cause.
“Nobody was interested in the stories. It didn’t seem to matter what the topic was.
I’ve experienced this on a local level first hand. When I uncovered sex crimes including public masturbation and even the viewing of child pornography at Orland Park Public Library, I was completely unable to get any news source to report my investigative findings. The story made all the papers, but only parts of it (and none of the salacious parts that would make people angry like the masturbation near children or the viewing of child porn.) Instead, “journalists” I dealt with avoided the juicy details all together in favor of a much more watered-down version of the truth. Instead of reporting the crimes that occurred in the Library and the Library’s neglect to involve authorities, they turned the story into “Mom Sees Boobs, Library Protects First Amendment”. This, of course is far from the truth.
I had an interesting conversation with Evelyn Holmes from ABC-TV Chicago when she came to interview me about the Library issue. I handed her the internal documents and police reports that showed the accounts of public masturbation and child porn and said, “No one will report these documents. Please be the first. This is the story. It’s not about me or what I saw. It’s about what I found after that during my investigation.” I will never forget that she looked right at me and said, “My job is to get your story and then get the Library’s story and report both. I don’t take sides. Our viewers decide on their own.” Seeking the truth is taking a side?
This shocked me. I thought news reporters wanted the truth! I thought that’s why they went to journalism school! Didn’t they all idolize Woodward and Bernstein, those intrepid reporters who took down a sitting president? Didn’t they all want to be the one to uncover the next big scandal and government corruption? Later that evening, Evelyn’s report ran on the nightly news with only a cursory mention of the reports I cited and then ABC allowed the Library’s spokesman, Bridget Bittman, to call me a liar, saying “There have not been sex crimes here at this library,” denying the very reports I gave to Holmes. No one at ABC bothered to investigate those reports further. (Last time I checked public masturbation is still a sex crime and it’s an actual assault if the person is looking at you while doing it, making you feel threatened.) A police report showed that one such sexual assault occurred there against a teenager while she was studying and a man was masturbating right in front of her while leering at her, prompting her to call the police (and snap a photo with her phone for evidence). That’s a sex crime. ABC wasn’t interested in that part of the story.
That would have been a great follow up to Bittman’s whopper (if any real journalists had shown up), “Actually, sex crimes were reported at this library including A, B and C.” Now that is investigative reporting. Whatever it was that Evelyn Holmes put together, (along with FOX, WGN, Telemundo, CBS and NBC) it wasn’t news.
This video is 15 minutes and once you start watching it you won’t be able to stop. Ran Gavrieli, researcher on gender at Tel Aviv University, has an uncanny way of pointing out the damaging effects of pornography on our minds and relationships. Porn equals the death of sex, not the truth of sex. It is only possible to be truly open to sex and the wonders of it when we delete porn from our minds.
My colleague Susan L.M. Goldberg wrote “Our Bodies, Our Only Sense of Self” about the effect of second wave feminism on women and girls that has reduced them to throbbing genitalia and bad choices. She’s absolutely right and her assessment of the way women now view themselves as nothing beyond vessels of self-gratification is sad but true. There was only one thing about the story of Belle Knox, college student turned porn star, that Goldberg overlooked:
“Women’s studies major. Good thing she’s in porn, considering her future career choices at this point don’t rise far above McDonald’s worker”
In a sane world, yes. However, one must consider the world in which we actually live. Knox is not stupid, despite her ridiculous choice in major and profession. She is angling to follow in the already well-worn paths set before her by other women’s studies majors who have made very lucrative careers on the university circuit
hawking teaching “sex positive” techniques and toys to college students (100% paid for by parents!) There is an entire industry out there of “sex positive sex workers” who are profiting from the idiocy of slut culture. Tristan Taormino is my favorite “sex educator” to mock who has made a killing on unsuspecting parents. Look at her advertisement for university speeches.
Tristan is available to give keynote addresses for events such as Sex Week, Women’s History Month, Take Back the Night, V-Day, National Coming Out Day, LGBT Pride Week, and others.
Is that all? Perhaps she could speak on Columbus Day too. All those men cooped up on ships for years at a time…
..She’ll cover a wide variety of topics, including sexual anatomy, masturbation, orgasms, improving your erotic communication skills, finding the elusive g-spot, myths and truths about female ejaculation, sex toy tips and techniques, and the wonders of anal sex.
This is exactly the kind of “smarmy, feel-good chatter” Camille Paglia railed against in her latest column about real sexual education. Taormino is an expert at anal sex. She loves it and she aims to make sure your college-aged daughter does too! She’s written at least two books devoted to the “mind blowing pleasure” of rectal spelunking. She is also, of course, a pornographer.
Hear about her first foray into porn on and off camera and what led her to form her own company, Smart Ass Productions.
Camille Paglia is my hero. Strange, I know. What does a homeschooling, conservative, Christian mom have in common with a lesbian who is also a feminist and an atheist? The answer is common sense and courage. And she’s showing us how it’s done once again.
I have long been highly critical of what passes for sex education today from the stupidity of putting condoms on bananas to pretending that there is no such thing as a biological clock for women. Paglia has written a common-sense guide for sex educators that we should take very seriously.
First, anatomy and reproductive biology belong in general biology courses taught in middle school by qualified science teachers. Every aspect of physiology, from puberty to menopause, should be covered. Students deserve a cool, clear, objective voice about the body, rather than the smarmy, feel-good chatter that now infests sex-ed workbooks.
Second, certified health educators, who advise children about washing their hands to avoid colds, should discuss sexually transmitted diseases at the middle-school or early-high-school level. But while information about condoms must be provided, it is not the place of public schools to distribute condoms, as is currently done in the Boston, New York and Los Angeles school districts. Condom distribution should be left to hospitals, clinics and social-service agencies.
Sing it, sister! Show those photos of weeping sores. Teenagers need to see the burning, bleeding, puss-filled infections up close.
Similarly, public schools have no business listing the varieties of sexual gratification, from masturbation to oral and anal sex, although health educators should nonjudgmentally answer student questions about the health implications of such practices. The issue of homosexuality is a charged one. In my view, antibullying campaigns, however laudable, should not stray into political endorsement of homosexuality or gay rights causes. While students must be free to create gay-identified groups, the schools themselves should remain neutral and allow society to evolve on its own.
Someone give Camille Paglia Arne Duncan’s job right now! I would like to add that those teachers answering questions about anal sex should also objectively provide the information that this practice can make you very ill and even kill you. How many of those super cool, anything-goes sex educators ever discuss bowel perforation and anal fissures? This is a highly important part of sex education considering there is a push by media like the Huffington Post to convince heterosexual college kids that anal sex is the best thing since the iPhone 5.
The genders should be separated for sex counseling. It is absurd to avoid the harsh reality that boys have less to lose from casual serial sex than do girls, who risk pregnancy and whose future fertility can be compromised by disease. Boys need lessons in basic ethics and moral reasoning about sex (for example, not taking advantage of intoxicated dates), while girls must learn to distinguish sexual compliance from popularity.
Contrary to the claims that conservatives do not want kids educated about sex, we actually want them better educated about it. We want them to learn about all the risks just like Paglia describes, while leaving the political ideology to the families and individuals to decide for themselves.
I’ll remember it forever as the day masculinity died, like the day the music died in a plane crash or the day Happy Days died when the Fonz jumped a shark on skis. On March 9, 2014, a man, Lee Palmer, a member of the human race known for taming tigers, building skyscrapers, leaping off tall things, and creating something out of nothing, called 911 because his house cat had trapped him and his family in a bedroom. He called police to rescue him and his family from this dire situation (a 22 lb. cat with an attitude problem). This cat had attacked his 7-month-old child and this man’s response was to run with the child and his wife into a room and lock the door (with the dog).
There is now every reason to believe that humanity is on a downward spiral. That a grown man feels it’s the right decision to call the police on his pet instead of taking a few scratches for the family and protecting his brood by himself proves we’re all too reliant on government. It is so bad that if the government were to suffer some sort of fatal malfunction and cease to exist tomorrow, most of us would die. Cat Boy would be first. Perhaps it’s the War on Men Camille Paglia has written about or perhaps testosterone is being sucked out of human males by the excess fluoride in the water. Whatever it is, it’s disturbing!
This is one of those times you hope people who have passed on have no knowledge of what is happening on earth. Imagine the disgust and embarrassment of our ancestors who once battled mastodons (and ate them). Palmer wouldn’t survive glamping. My suggestion is for a new reality show where we put Cat Boy and Pajama Boy and any other incapable millennial male (sorry, but it’s mostly your generation who can’t take care of yourselves or anyone else) and put them on a Survivor-type reality show but actually let them starve to death or be eaten by animals (or angry cats) if they aren’t smart enough to live.
It’s times like these I’m grateful for the real men still left. They may be a dying breed, but I’m grateful nonetheless. Here’s to you hunters, fishers, fixers, and wrestlers. Women may complain about your uncouth behavior or excess body hair, but it’s infinitely preferable to being stuck in a room with a “guy” who can’t fight off a cat.
Editor’s Note: This article was first published in August of 2013 as “9 Politically Incorrect Secrets to Keep Your Daughter from Twerking.” It is being reprinted as part of a new weekend series at PJ Lifestyle collecting and organizing the top 50 best lists. Where will this great piece end up on the list? Reader feedback will be factored in when the PJ Lifestyle Top 50 List Collection is completed in a few months…
If you don’t know what twerking is yet, I’ll explain it one more time. To “twerk,” as the kids say, is not your average Jennifer Gray/Patrick Swayze dirty dancing. In fact, it makes their bump and grind look like the foxtrot. I was in Oklahoma last year hanging out with my cousins at a rodeo bar (yeah, I know it’s cliché but when in OK City, it’s A-Ok to go full-on cowgirl). I was beyond perplexed when I realized I brought my red leather cowboy boots down hard on some poor girl’s fingers on the dance floor. What were her fingers doing on said dance floor, you might ask? She was twerking. Imagine, if you can, what kind of position a girl must be in to have her hands on the floor and ass in the air, while gyrating around like an acrobat on LSD. It’s not pretty. In fact, it’s pretty ugly. I can tell you that I and the five other people I was with had a great time discussing and laughing (as was the guy she was twerking on, btw). No one thinks this is sexy. It’s a big joke. It’s as if the guys in the room (not men) are all waiting to see who they can fool into trying this “move,” which is nothing more than a scene from a XXX movie.
This video pretty much sums up how ridiculous and stupid people look while twerking.
So, what can you do about it, you who have daughters and a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach that they too might slide down the way of tongue-out twerking?