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I Am Become Death, The Destroyer of Spam

The Spam War is over and I have emerged victorious.

by
Rick Moran

Bio

April 15, 2014 - 3:57 pm
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I have thrown down my enemy and smote his ruin upon the mountainside.

They have seen my strength for themselves, have watched me rise from the darkness of war, dripping with my enemies’blood.

I swam in the blackness of night, hunting monsters, out of the ocean, and killing them one by one; death was my errand and the fate they had earned.

The Spam War is over and I have emerged victorious.

I have slain the “aunt who earned $6571 a month from her home using only her computer.” I have vanquished “Earn up to $100/day. And whats awesome is Im working from home so I get more time with my family.”

These spam are no more! They have ceased to be! They’ve expired and gone to meet their maker! They’re stiff! Bereft of life, they’re resting in peace! Their metabolic processes are now history! They’re off the twig! They’ve kicked the bucket, shuffled off their mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleeding choir invisible! THESE ARE EX-SPAM!

About 7 years — or perhaps it was months — ago, Prince Aaron of Hanscom charged me with the sacred duty of seeking out and destroying the insidious invaders of our fair website who were bedeviling residents and visitors alike. As I rode off to combat this menace, the look on the faces of the court told me they did not expect me to triumph. There were whispers of the near invincibility of my foe — their resilience, their skill in battle, and most of all, their relentless constitution — a mindless, Zombie-like instinct to survive. To fight, to lose, to come back and fight again…and again — this is what I faced.

At first, I felt nearly helpless. The daily deluge was overwhelming. I would smite 100 only to have 200 take their place. The enemy was laughing at me, toying with me. After laboring all day, finally winning the battle, I would fall exhausted into a fitful sleep — only to awake early the next morning to discover that these apparitions from hell didn’t need sleep, didn’t need rest (or they were based somewhere in Europe or Asia). Peppering the many sites of PJM were 80-100 more of these demons, and the early morning combat — on an empty stomach, mind you — drained my strength, and sapped my will.

Eventually, it dawned on me that I, too, must develop a war strategy. I must maximize my strengths and limit my weaknesses. Only then could I meet the enemy on equal ground. Only then would the tide turn in my favor and I become master of the Spam universe.

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Top Rated Comments   
Last month my cousin's aunt's Shetland pony earned eleventy kabillion dollars staring at the sun. On weekends my stomach is used as a bass drum for a local rock and roll band and for part time work I slam window sills on my head.
32 weeks ago
32 weeks ago Link To Comment
Congratulations on you victory.

Now that the enemy is defeated, can we get somebody to move the "Report Abuse" link to where people won't accidentally fatfinger it several times a day when they meant to click "Like"?
32 weeks ago
32 weeks ago Link To Comment
I couldn't believe it when my father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate told me he could make $8,675,309 a month working from home.
32 weeks ago
32 weeks ago Link To Comment
All Comments   (38)
All Comments   (38)
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" I hate when a guy brags... or he sweats."

Paris Hilton

Looks like Moran's done both, now.
31 weeks ago
31 weeks ago Link To Comment
i think that your victory lap was premature.
31 weeks ago
31 weeks ago Link To Comment
Well, Mr. Moran, this is one of those life lessons that come up now and then. Based on what I've seen today, the spam is back, full force.

The lesson? A little advice given by one king to another, a few thousand years ago:

So the king of Israel answered and said, “Tell him, ‘Let not the one who puts on his armor boast like the one who takes it off.’”

31 weeks ago
31 weeks ago Link To Comment
In the event you haven't noticed -- they're baaaccckkk....ugh...
31 weeks ago
31 weeks ago Link To Comment
Bad news- the spam is back- seemingly as bad as ever.
31 weeks ago
31 weeks ago Link To Comment
Seriously - for those of you who use an e-mail client like Thunderbird, you can download (for free) POPFile which uses a Bayesian filtering algorithm to learn what is and what is not spam, and can have messages and senders magnetized to minimize errors. Mine's been running for years and is over 99.5% accurate. I almost never see spam any more.

Orion
31 weeks ago
31 weeks ago Link To Comment
Bah, these other folks don't know the half of it! My CONGRESSMAN makes hundreds of thousands of dollars every month, doing nothing but drinking free whiskey and trading influence! You too can get on this gravy train by joining the Democrat party and running for office! Follow in the footsteps of rich-folk like Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Barak Obama, and more!

Working's for the marks!

Orion
31 weeks ago
31 weeks ago Link To Comment
They're baaaaack!


What we need to do is to convince the Dems that these spammers are actually Republican fundraisers, and that they are being very effective. Then Soros will start paying people to spread Trojans to launch DDOS attacks against the spammers.

This ties up their resources and gets rid of a lot of the spam at the same time!

Win!
31 weeks ago
31 weeks ago Link To Comment
Congrats on your victory ..don't let happen again...
31 weeks ago
31 weeks ago Link To Comment
Niiiice.

And I thought it was me clicking that Report Abuse link ten times a day.
31 weeks ago
31 weeks ago Link To Comment
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