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Which President Would Win A Fight to the Death?

Knife fight! Andrew Jackson vs. Thomas Jefferson vs. Richard Nixon vs. ...?

by
Leslie Loftis

Bio

February 18, 2013 - 10:00 am
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The tidbits about Teddy Roosevelt are educational gold:

If you had an hour in the Bronx Zoo with a Gatling gun you wouldn’t be able match the stuffed head collection in his house. Fiercely determined, he transformed from sickly youth into a brick outhouse, a man who boxed in the White House, ran up every staircase and hit friends with sticks for fun (singlesticks!). He picked fights with bigger opponents, in both politics and Dakota Territory bars, and he avenged defeats. Such was his jones for shooting Spaniards, he quit a government job to do it. The roughest men in a very rough era were proud to call him colonel. And if you need some X factors, he’s young, and he spent his adult life trying to impress his dead dad. That’s Disney-level motivation.

My 8th grade history teacher would have done this lesson back in the day. He wasn’t a stranger to fun and memorable lessons. He once entered our classroom the day after a substitute had taught and chewed us out over a fictional bad report. Then, he told us to teach ourselves the day’s lesson and left the room in convincing disgust. It was all to test us, to see who would lead, follow, and coast. I wonder how long the PC guardians let him use that lesson plan?

For the record, in the presidential thunderdome, I’d bet Jackson enters and leaves and that the “holy trinity” of Teddy, Jackson, and Lincoln is wrong. Lincoln won’t make it that far. Washington, a Green Beret type of his day, trumps Teddy Roosevelt, or leads Tyler to do it. Cool Cal of “let 9 of 10 problems solve themselves before they get to you,” stays until at least the top 5 by pulling a Katniss. Contrary to almost everyone else, I think Obama might stay to the end as well. In speeches he twisted the Chicago way to a gentler “Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight,” but the actual instruction was to bring a gun to a knife fight.


Obama would bring a gun to a knife fight. Whether he’d use it, or use it skillfully, is another matter. TR finished a speech after being shot and Jackson used his walking stick to beat a man for attempting to shoot him. A gun isn’t much help in this fight unless you know how to use it.

Related: There is a Broadway musical about Jackson, Bloody, Bloody Andrew Jackson. Apparently, it is a rock musical about the founding of the Democratic Party. How did I miss this?

***

Related at PJ Lifestyle:

David Forsmark: The 7 Most Badass Founding Fathers

Bryan Preston: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter Elected President of the Summer Movie Blockbuster

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Leslie Loftis is a recovering lawyer, a housewife, and a mother of 4. She is also a serial Texpatriate, most recently returned from London, England.
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In 1806, in a duel over an insult offered to his wife by a man named Dickinson, Andy Jackson took a bullet in the chest and still killed his man.

Perhaps another president, including Washington, GHW Bush, Teddy, Truman or any of the 19th century presidents that saw combat against Indians, Mexicans or in the Civil War may have killed men, but not in a situation where they knew that their man died, as in Jackson's case.

Grover Cleveland, while sherriff of Buffalo, NY, personally killed at least two convicted murderers, by hanging. Of course the men he executed were trussed up like turkeys and didn't have much fight in them, but it was a job he would not ask one of his subordinates to perform in his stead. Still, that is no recommendation for Grover should be go to close quarter battle with Old Hickory.

In short, while the personal valor of many of the presidents has been demonstrated to be a matter of earned pride, the only real killer in the bunch was Andrew Jackson, and I would bet on Andy for the win, with saber, pistol or knife.

1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
Obama is the only one of them who would bring a knife to a gunfight.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
I'm pretty sure Obama would send a surrogate to this little soiree'. So would Bill Clinton. Much too smart to expose themselves to that kind of plebian danger.

Watch Obama for the drone strike, though.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
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